Up until recently I had never really considerred myself to has PTSD, then I read an article that made me reflect and here I am. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD, i have with depression and anxiety. From what I've read, i think i may have it, but i don't have many flashbacks which is what i associate with PTSD. 

So just a little background, I was physically and mental abused by my mother for most of my life, then i was sexually abuse by the guy she was having an affair with. For this 'trauma', i never really considered it having affected me that much, but in hindsight, i may have been wrong. There has been a few times, while i was being intimate, i get the sensation like i was a child again, and i've had panic attacks because of it. 

But what really lead me to here was a series of incidents involving my roommates boyfriend. I never felt like a victim, I still don't know where i stand in all of this. But basically, my roommates boyfriend would get drunk or high and start to get aggitated. To be fair, this was his constant state. My roommate would start to drink as well, and bicker with him. This was their usual. But there was 5 times when i lived with her, that it moved past that. He would start smashing plates or bottles of alcohol. At this point, I would ask him to leave. And he usually wouldn't. My roommate at this point would just freeze, which i get is a natural parasympathetic system reaction. And this entire time, he would yell about how he is going to kill us and name call. So i would call the cops. Then he would leave. I would give my statement to the police and my roommates by this point, would have dranken herself to the point where there is no use asking her what happened. So they would always say, if she wants to press charges, to call them in the morning and she never pressed charges. I couldn't move out due to lack or financial resources. There was one time, where this all happened, he left. So the cops said to call them if he returns. A few hours later, he was at our door and banging, so i told him he couldn't come in, so he kicked down our door. and he was yelling and breaking stuff and he grabbed a knife. He asked me where my roommate was (i had put her to bed because she was very intoxicated), so i told him he needed to leave, so he started yelling about how he is going to kill me then go find her and kill her. So i went to call the cops but he got upset and lunged at me with the knife, him being very drunk, i easily moved out of the way. So i called the cops. He then starting talking about how i was harrassing him, by asking him to leave, so he grab the knife blade and squeezed it tight in his hand until he bled, he said now the cops will think i tried to kill him. So he put down the knife and i grabbed him and pushed him down the stairs and out of the door and stood against the door so he couldnt come in. Then he stopped trying and i heard glass break in the lower level of our townhouse and he had broken the window to my roommates room, who was still asleep for all of this. He left, the cops cames, gave their speach and left, he came back two times that night, i had barricaded the door so he couldn't come in. Every time i called the police and they said there was nothing they could do because he was always gone when they arrived. The next morning, after cleaning up my, once again, destroyed house i went to the police station to press charges but since i wasn't the girlfriend, it wasn't domestic violence and there was nothing they could do they said. I eventually did move out and i'm not in contact wit either one. I know it makes me sound like a terrible person, but they both started using meth, and stealing from me so i cut them out of my life. 

When i finally got my own appartment, for the first month, i was terrified. I would get up multiple times a night to make sure my door was locked. I eventually got used to being alone, but i still to this day will get up in the night to check that the doors are locked. i am very easily startled, being around any conflict makes me very uneasy. I've struggled a lot with maintaining any romantic relationship,  when we hit a rough patch, i break up with them. I refused to go to areas that are known for crime, even if its day time. I still often think about these incidents. But like the cops said, i wasn't the girlfriend so it's not domestic violence, even though she usually was too intoxicated to know what was going on, and i always had to be the one to deal with it. I'm not sure where to turn to, i don't know if this is even the right support group. I've often felt that it's not 'my crime' so i shouldn't feel the way i do. I do see a mental health worker, but i've been seeing him for a while now, and it's quite clear he is trying to close my case. I will tell him how overwhelmed i am, or how my depression is getting worst. He will give me a few tips, then say "well since we aren't doing any heavy work anymore, maybe it's time we closed your case". He mentions this every session, and i get it. It's free so i'm using up resources, i just don't know where to turn to and if what i'm feeling is even justified.