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Not dealing well with Bio dads death

AngelaJo
AngelaJo

I found out two weeks ago today he died. He died March 14th, my brother and i were not put in the obituary. They said they waited to find us (they knew were my mom lives) before having the funeral but then had the funeral without telling us. I am so freaking angry and hurt and still in shock it doesnt feel real he died and i needed the funeral (he was creamated) to make it real and have some closure. I forgave him months ago and stalled on telling him now i can never tell him and he died thinking i hated him. He was dead 3 days before they found him. They think it was a massive heart attack. They said he basically stood up and died. He died alone thinking his only daughter hated him........... And they said i can go thru his posessions AFTER his brother, sister, my brother and his nieces and nephews do. I am his daughter!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not dealing well AT ALL ! Been close to cutting which i havnet done in 2 1/2 years so im at my mom and dad (step/adopted dad) house for a few days till i am doing ok. Whats ok though? what does it feel like? Depression is back :(Can i scream and yell and throw or punch things? I can not deal!!!!!!!!!!!

EvergreenDreamer
EvergreenDreamer
Yes, you can scream and yell, throw things. Whatever you need to let off some steam. Im very sorry about what happened with the circumstances of your dad’s passing and how family has been treating you.
I do believe that all the baggage we carry around with us here on earth is left here on earth when our soul passes. I believe your father’s soul knows you forgave him and didn't hate him.
I know what it means to not get the closure you need. My father, who abused me, and I never spoken again when he left the state, i didnt know he died, or that he was buried right here in my state until i stumbled across the information. No one told me. I too had things unexpressed. I do know the anger and the guilt that went with my learning what happened and what i had no control over.
I gave myself permission to let it go. I hope you can give yourself that permission also.
Our fathers have passed and they have let go of their baggage.
Surely, it is okay to let our baggage regarding them be let go, or buried with them.
Triplehugs
lilmissy7
lilmissy7
I’m so sorry about everything Angela,
Evergreen wrote it better than I could probably ^

I’m glad that you’re at your Mom & stepdads house staying with people that love you
Sending you support & gentlest of hugs <3
patti22
patti22
Grief doesn't always make sense...it just is what it is.

From the other side, sometimes I wish that I had told my mother just how much I sometimes did hate her. (My whole life I was the good girl that loved her, protected her, etc, etc, etc.) I never expressed my rage...and yeah, hate.

Just with my own mother, I (think) that I understand pretty well why and what she did...but still...MY SIDE...never got heard. And well...no chance now.

Maybe for the best. I know that she loved me the best that she could.

Sigh.

It just is what it is.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
I'm glad, too, AngelaJo, that you're with some people right now who care for you, because it sounds like you're having to cope with some more general family issues on top of the grief of your loss itself. That makes it doubly hard when you didn't get closure. Be really gentle with yourself. Sending you support and kindness today.
AngelaJo
AngelaJo
Thanks everyone, it means so much that you guys take the time to respond to my posts! Its so hard that it doesnt seem real hes dead yet. Its hard to get thru each day. I am needing 10 plus hours sleep at nigh when my norm is 6 to 7 and a lot of days i need a nap as well. I was stable from Feburary until i found out he died 2 weeks ago. Now my depression is creaping back up again and im needing klonopin again or i shake. At least now i can take a lot lower dose than what i had been on for years. Today i have the Graduate DBT group and meet with the peer support leader and tomorrow i have AA (very supportive group) my thearpist and my shrink i need it all!
Aspieconfusion
Aspieconfusion
Im sorry angela. Could you throw ur own mini funeral at his grave side and say your goodbyes? Hugs.
eli_mom
eli_mom
Hello AngelaJo,
I’m very sorry to hear about your Dad.
May God’s comfort and peace be upon your family.

I’m glad you will be seeing your therapists and support group. I pray things will go well with you. Please keep us posted. Take care.
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK
AngelaJo, it is unfortunate how the family has/is treating you the way they are. Their view may be that you took yourself out of the family, while they were there for him. Of course what they are doing is unfair and punishing. Not telling you is beyond cruel. Legally, the children have rights when there is no will. Not sure you want to take that path as much has already been removed. Yes, there are times to return to medication. This is one of them. Glad you are getting support on various fronts. We are here for you as you deal with all this. Calming and comforting hugs.
activebrain
activebrain
Hang in there. I'm so sorry for your struggles. Doesn't seem fair I know. Try to take care of yourself and yes yell screen vent and whatever you need to do but do your best not to self harm. Sending many many many hugs your way
activebrain
activebrain
Hang in there. I'm so sorry for your struggles. Doesn't seem fair I know. Try to take care of yourself and yes yell scream vent and whatever you need to do but do your best not to self harm. Sending many many many hugs your way
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you AngelaJo…… Grief can be so hard and painful....

I think though that you can still tell him how you're feeling

You can write him a letter and read it to him now and you can punch a pillow as hard as you can

it sux that the family cut you out like that..... Another hug and a blessing.....xo
jljlost
jljlost
I know how it feels to be left out of an obituary. I was a daughter all my life to an abusive mom. She died. Not seeing my name, but seeing my 2 brother's names made me feel like I didn't exist. As if I was not part of the family. But WE BOTH EXIST! Leaving our names out does not change the fact you (and I) were still his daughter. We were part of the family and no one can change that fact. Not seeing my name listed as her daughter hurt something awful. Like I didn't count, didn't exist, but just because our names were not listed, does not change the fact that we are both daughters and we always will be. People who read the obit know the truth. Leaving out our name was petty and wrong and show what low morals and values the family have. I am so sorry. We both exist, we are both daughters, we are important and they cannot delete our lives.
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