Hello Pavlik. Welcome to the forum. May joining here be a solid step toward your recovery. The confusion of it all is easier to sort with a little emotional support.

What have you done so far toward your recovery? No, calling the crimes people isn't recovery unless they refer you to a crime victims network. Cops, lawyers, etc., make lousy therapists. In my personal herstory, reliving the events under court pressures only gave me another level of trauma to sort through. It was horrible.

So sorry for your trauma, Pavlik. Hope healing happens here.

Welcome aboard.

Welcome pavlik, I am so sorry that you have had such a traumatic experience. Joining the support group is a big step, good self care.

I do know, from my own personal experiences, that sometimes therapy and medication are good self care too.

I understand the unfairness and feeling of injustice. It's good that you can express those feelings. Keep talking about your feelings and work through them helps me, I hope it will help you also.

triple hugs

Thanks so much for your reply and sorry for your experience through court etc. I’m not sure how I’ll make it through that but I know it’s the right thing to do because I don’t want him thinking he can do that again. I have seen multiple doctors, tried anti depressants and sleeping tablets which made things worse. I’m seeing a psychologist and counseling. Everyone is telling me I’m doing well and better Than I think but i don’t feel well at all. I feel so sad and like my life is over. I just want to be the same again and sad that the old me is gone now and I have to accept this new me which I hate

Thank you also Nancy. I can’t help talking about it all the time it’s like I’m obsessed but I either need to talk about it or feel suicidal

talking about it , if it is helping you cope , is a great thing. and here is definitely a safe place to do it. so many compassionate and supportive people here.

You are not alone and we are here with you.

Hi Pavli,
your not alone, people who care are here. Many of us have gone through the same things as you. I agree the criminal system sucks, my ex boyfriend and I say that lightly because I only dated him six months, and he was a Police officer, kidnapped me and beat me for three months. got away with a lap on the wrist and I had my life ruined. it took me 20 years to get over what happened to me. But I am strong and no longer a victim I am a survivor , and you are too. your a strong person , you need to find the right people to help you deal with this. But know we are all here to lean on and give support. I will listen day or night. Gentle hugs Casey

Welcome Pavli! Here is the best place to talk since so many understand what you're going through. I hear the same thing, I'm doing so well and I'm so strong when all I feel is broken apart. It's hard to see what other people see sometimes but try to keep doing what you're doing. You're making steps and that's what counts. I'm sorry the old you is gone, it's tragic to be left with a new you that is unfamiliar and nothing like who you were. Give yourself time to mourn your old self. It sounds funny but it's necessary. Hope being here helps and heals. -hugs-

Yes lovely don't dismay!!!

It's called rape culture and the world is covered in a thick blanket of the hellish darkness along with a big dose of victim blaming

This is why #me too is such a great thing, you did the right thing speaking out, however in the context of this world probably not the wisest

I spoke out about my attack too, and exactly the same happened to me too. This was a secondary trauma for me, because Then people had revealed how awful they are.

Even my NHS therapist didn't believe or support me!!! She wrote on my notes I falsely accused a man!!! And I was seeing her for ptsd over the fcking trauma

No... Everyone can fuck right off, I am totally disgusted that I had to recover within such a he'll hole, but totally furious to realise that loads of people are going through this every year

My deepest sympathies are with you, get yourself some new support, disconnected from this man, don't expect anyone else to want to listen, after all they've all been through it too or worse! I advise selecting the people you tell to try and heal this with a lot of caution, hopefully there is a therapist On your side out there

Welcome pavlik.....

I am so sorry for what has brought you here but I'm glad that you're here.... This is a wonderfully supportive board with some great folks

Gentle hug and a blessing.....xo

Welcome Pavlik, I’m sorry that you are going through so much. That’s an awful lot of things a person needs to endure. It takes a lot of courage to come forward to share your story and I thank you for your strength. I admire your strength and courage to actively seek help after the trauma. Press on with the therapy session and meds. It will help you eventually. Sometimes it does take a while for combination to take effect but don’t lose hope ok?? I’m keeping you in my prayer. Take care and God bless!

First, I wish none of this had happened to you. You don’t deserve this hand. Second, it’s ok to be afraid and nervous and worried. It’s what you do with those concerns that matter. There are so many things you can’t cobttol. Focus on the things you can control. What does self care look like to you?

I'm sat here sobbing as I read your story. I feel such an affinity with you Pavlik. I too was violently raped last March following a drunken night out. I lost friends and have isolated myself since. I feel suicidal often. My first tests came back clear but I still had a feeling of being unclean and itching constantly. In August I noticed what I thought was a skin tag on my perinium. I ignored it. Come September I had clusters of the little beasts both inside my vagina and on my anus. Nothing I've done (freezing, aldara, warticon, cider vinegar, garlic, hydrogen peroxide) has removed them. I dread going to the clinic because everytime i seem to have to relive my explanation to the nurses. Some days it feels like my life is over, that I'm dirty and diseased and that I'll never meet a man I can trust again..who would want me now anyway? Other days I'm just so angry that this happened to me! Or that we love in a world where this happens all the friggin time and the victims are left to deal with such life altering consequences without consistent support. I just want this to stop now. I'm mentally,physically and spiritually scarred and I wish HPV was treated more seriously as an std.. The psychological impact that the rape has had is never-ending as everytime I inspect my vagina his disgusting mark is there in the form of these friggin warts. I really hope that you do not have this affliction from the bastard who forced himself on you! It's horrible enough without but seriously, in case you do, start taking high dose vitamin c, vitamin b complex, loads of garlic, and a good womens multivitamin. Although my warts haven't gone yet I notice they aren't as angry/ large when I look after myself and stop allowing my anxiety to win. It's so hard right now but I do know (from this page and earthclinic) that there's hope eventually. I'm back at the clinic today and I'm asking to be referred for surgery as I think this has gone on long enough now. If you need someone to talk to Pavlik please tap into this forum and the wealth of experiences people have to share. I intend to from now on! Only when we're sharing the pain can the burden be lifted. Love and peace sister xxx

My family turned on me when I went to them for support after being molested, blaming me for it, and turned on me again on the issue of abortion. There was no fairness. Then the pedophile that molested me got caught, tried, convicted, and murdered by a fellow prison inmate, and it seemed the universe gave me a little justice.

It didn't change the opinions of any of the family who didn't support me, but it gave me and the pedophile's victims some validation. We came out of the closet and spoke to each other as adult survivors, finally. That meant a lot.

The perpetrator's death in prison didn't heal the scars, though. Unfortunately, for us that work was separate and is ongoing, probably forever. To do that we need each other, and the support of others here who know what it's all like for themselves. So glad you came here, it's a healing place.

Hi Pavli, all I can say is that I have definitely struggled to see the progress I have made in therapy while I battle my past. It is always worse when the flashbacks and nightmares are cycling thru. Focusing on the small victories had helped me take hold of the progress and seems to help me see more of them more often. Example, I learned to celebrate buying groceries on my own in the beginning. Folding laundry in the basement without dissociating. Decision making and dissociation will always be challenge for me, but these small steps are a sign of progress in living with them rather than being held prisoner by them. Gentle hugs as you continue to heal.

Thnakyou so much for all the comments, I’m really battling through right now, currently can’t sleep and just want that feeling to go away! The physical response, unless it is warts coming, which I think is more likely! Unless have others had a physical response so bad it causes itching? I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or actually hpv. I can’t sleep, I feel like I’m going insane. I keep remembering what happened to me, how I’ve been treated by family since and I’m angry ! I feel soo angry and hurt, betrayed, violated, dehumanised. I don’t know how to feel normal again ;( I want my life back .this feels like a never ending battle that I’m losing at. I keep having thoughts of wanting to harm myself :( and like I am nothing. If I had have been smarter I could have never had that person over, I wish I told him to leave, or I’d call the police, I wish I was strong enough to stand up to him at the time, to attack him, anything. Instead I felt trapped like I had to be in a relationship with him which only caused so much distress and pain and confusion ;(