Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
It is going to get worse of not seeing me around before it gets better.
There are a few reasons - and none of them are you guys! But I wanted to let my friends know why you are seeing so much less of me lately, and why that tend is going to continue.
The first is that I spend time on two boards here, PTSD and chronic pain. Oddly enough, the original reason I came to DS is when I had cancer and that board kept me sane enough to get through it, but gets maybe one post a month now. That was two years ago.
Then this year, when I had to face that I am not going to be getting better, that my chronic pain is only going to get worse until the day I die, that was a hard pill to swallow. but you guys and the guys at the CP board worked me through most of the emotional pain that brought. I still shed a tear or two when I think that I will be in a wheel chair within the decade, but I no longer shut down and scream hysterically. And that is HUGE.
Eventually I will get to why I am not here as much... honest!!
There was a seemingly innocent on the other board where someone laid into me for riding my horses - that her doctor had required her to stop riding or not get treated and that I must be hiding my activities in order to be getting treatment....
And here goes my tendency to forgive all... because I feel for her having to give up riding - I would rather die. When I get to the point that I am in a wheelchair, I will have a ramp built to get on my horse. When that is no longer feasible, he is trained to pull a cart. I am sorry for her, but I will not give up my horse. Even my Psych doctor tells me that my horse is what gets me through the bad times. OK, he went so far as to suggest my next Service Dog should be a mini horse, but I think that is going just a bit too far.
But forgiveness does not mean I feel safe there any more. So I have just been posting here.
Two other things are getting in the way of that. First and most of it, are my new pain killers. The pain killers are a trade off, physical pain for mental acuity. I am told that as my system gets used to the new meds, I am still working on getting to a therapeutic dose, that I will be able to think again. It might be as long as six to eight months (I doubled it as my system is just weird about meds) before my system can think through these meds... lol and maybe even stay awake!!
If I take a full dose, and today was another dose increase, I have about an hour then it is nap time. If I am in enough pain, I won't sleep physically, but mentally I am mush for at least a couple hours.
So is the pain relief worth not being able to think straight? YES. I was down to being able to only be up and moving for less than an hour a day, now I can get hours of stuff done in between my naps.
And there is the issue, when I have enough pain control and enough mind to do anything, I get stuff done. When I have to stop and take my pain meds, I don't have enough thought processes to join in conversations.
Lastly, enough things have gone wrong in the last few weeks that as my psych doc says, the barn doors are closed. I am not accepting anymore input, good or bad. I just can't emotionally take any more just right now... which leaves me numb.
Between being mentally foggy, fearful of posting on the other board, and being emotionally numb, there is just nothing left to join in conversations right now.
Know that I love you all for all the help! I am still here, just mostly lurking. I will chime in here and there, but not as much right now.
my favorite song...
Get Through This
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4aaxJCqumQ
hugs
yadlim
There are a few reasons - and none of them are you guys! But I wanted to let my friends know why you are seeing so much less of me lately, and why that tend is going to continue.
The first is that I spend time on two boards here, PTSD and chronic pain. Oddly enough, the original reason I came to DS is when I had cancer and that board kept me sane enough to get through it, but gets maybe one post a month now. That was two years ago.
Then this year, when I had to face that I am not going to be getting better, that my chronic pain is only going to get worse until the day I die, that was a hard pill to swallow. but you guys and the guys at the CP board worked me through most of the emotional pain that brought. I still shed a tear or two when I think that I will be in a wheel chair within the decade, but I no longer shut down and scream hysterically. And that is HUGE.
Eventually I will get to why I am not here as much... honest!!
There was a seemingly innocent on the other board where someone laid into me for riding my horses - that her doctor had required her to stop riding or not get treated and that I must be hiding my activities in order to be getting treatment....
And here goes my tendency to forgive all... because I feel for her having to give up riding - I would rather die. When I get to the point that I am in a wheelchair, I will have a ramp built to get on my horse. When that is no longer feasible, he is trained to pull a cart. I am sorry for her, but I will not give up my horse. Even my Psych doctor tells me that my horse is what gets me through the bad times. OK, he went so far as to suggest my next Service Dog should be a mini horse, but I think that is going just a bit too far.
But forgiveness does not mean I feel safe there any more. So I have just been posting here.
Two other things are getting in the way of that. First and most of it, are my new pain killers. The pain killers are a trade off, physical pain for mental acuity. I am told that as my system gets used to the new meds, I am still working on getting to a therapeutic dose, that I will be able to think again. It might be as long as six to eight months (I doubled it as my system is just weird about meds) before my system can think through these meds... lol and maybe even stay awake!!
If I take a full dose, and today was another dose increase, I have about an hour then it is nap time. If I am in enough pain, I won't sleep physically, but mentally I am mush for at least a couple hours.
So is the pain relief worth not being able to think straight? YES. I was down to being able to only be up and moving for less than an hour a day, now I can get hours of stuff done in between my naps.
And there is the issue, when I have enough pain control and enough mind to do anything, I get stuff done. When I have to stop and take my pain meds, I don't have enough thought processes to join in conversations.
Lastly, enough things have gone wrong in the last few weeks that as my psych doc says, the barn doors are closed. I am not accepting anymore input, good or bad. I just can't emotionally take any more just right now... which leaves me numb.
Between being mentally foggy, fearful of posting on the other board, and being emotionally numb, there is just nothing left to join in conversations right now.
Know that I love you all for all the help! I am still here, just mostly lurking. I will chime in here and there, but not as much right now.
my favorite song...
Get Through This
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4aaxJCqumQ
hugs
yadlim
I spend most of my mental energies just dealing with the classes I take. I have pain for many reasons, so the little time my brain functions at a normal rate...I am stuck in book, rereading things until they stick.
It's been a short two weeks without any classes, but Thursday they start again. One class was cancelled, so I had to find replacement credit hours to fill out the hole in my schedule.
Not easy at this late date. Cut off is tomorrow, but I did it.
I know many here that put up well with my absences and my lousy typing ( no excuse there, I type lousy). But when I have time I am here, even if it is only to touch base, read and comment when I can.
Calypso is my home on this page. Then there are a couple that I talk directly to on the phone, that took some barrier jumping. But I am so glad I let them in.
I know I look great mobility wise too,but only 2 hours a day. The rest is done with cane or wall to catch myself on.
Best wishes that these meds level out. Don't worry we will understand...just send us a " bool!" when you can.
(Lilly :) )
Hugs.
Jewell
Jewels you have my deepest understanding about classes!!! It took me five years to complete a Bachelor's Degree that arrived in the mail just a few weeks ago! This whole last school year I was taking 18 units of nothing but science courses - all of which required not only thought but field trips to distant places in the state to do in the field tests. I got through it with my walker as my current Service Dog was not old enough to help me balance! The year before I can't tell you how many hours I spent doped up on morphine, in chest waders, thigh deep in a creek, in the rain, with my Great Dane Service Dog holding me up right as she was chest deep in the water.
My psych doctor kept telling me to just get one small check mark at a time... I finished THIS paper or THIS test etc. It got me through - though now I am so broken from pushing myself too hard to use my degree... sigh
hugs and love all!!! I am lurking and will jump in with a comment or two and the occasional hug!!
yadlim the tired
May that be a long time from now. In the meantime, I'm working hard on my bucket list. I took care of one of my bucket list items last Saturday night by going to a Flaming Lips concert and hearing them sing my favorite song live. It was awesome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZO6MuAThyko
On Monday I go back home to Uruguay with my old college roommate to show him where I want my ashes scattered when I die, another bucket list item. I'm wasting no time.
Good to hear from you. Keep us as updated as you can, and love to your horses.