I should add...getting more little bits of memory about dad renting me out isn't helping. Comments were made about THAT being all I was good for, about how stupid I was.

Since you mention the memory fragments, I would suggest that you have a dialogue with yourself about it. This enables the grownup part of you to address and comfort the littler parts, the parts that believe they are worthless and deserve to die.

I am doing this sometimes and am surprised by how much it helps. I have a teeny tiny notebook that I write in with a very fine point pen, and I have a dialogue with me. It helps me take care of me. Because nobody else did or would.

I know the no job thing. I was taking hand outs while i waited for disability. It is not a great feeling, but you are a good person and no burden. I think you are capable and not a waste of time.

I have not done parts work yet and I think DW and Lil have good things to say about how it works :)

Keep writing, getting it out.

Just sending you a hug, Blue.

You're one of the good ones. I hope things get better for you.

When people like you talk of checking out ... I begin to believe that evil has the upper hand.

Stay.

Stay, and see how it all turns out, huh ??

You are not a burden. People don't have to physically see you to benefit from your presence. If you start feeling like you are burdening the people you know, just remember there are people leaning on you here who wouldn't be the same without you.

Wishing you peace as you navigate these murky waters.

Big hugs Blue! Your are a worth while person and you are human. We all fall and we all need help from time to time. It is ok to accept help from others. You are not use to anyone helping you and it must feel so strange to that inner child. I think you are worth while. I think you deserve help to get through this. I do not feel you need to kill yourself.
You are in a really rough spot right now so be gentle and take care of you.

Fingers crossed you are able to see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel

I'm so glad we don't all have a hard time at the same time or we wouldn't be able to help each other. Blue you have helped so many of us over time that now everyone is reaching out to you. Remember there is enough love to go around and you can get through this with a little help from your friends as you can see from all of us who are posting here today. Hugs my friend.

Oh Blue, You're not a burden, I look forward to hearing from you. You bring such a light with you. Please stay

donna surprised me with her answer because it spoke for me when my health crashed, my fiancee broke up with me and sold our home out from under me, and budget cuts laid me off losing me my job.

'I have a dialogue with me. It helps me take care of me. Because nobody else did or would.'

That last part donna wrote was what I realized. I decided not to care what my fiancee, family, or bosses thought. It wasn't my time to go yet and I would take care of me since nobody else would. Hope you decide the same. You're good people and we need you.

Sorry to hear of your pain and sense of being a burden. I'm sure it's all about the horror you are remembering in bits.
I used to feel like a burden too. When I was 27 and in detox for the first time, that's what I blurted out as the nurse escorted me back to bed.
After more trauma, I ended up being in psych hospital 50 times over a ten year period. (in the 90's) I thought it would never end, and I really thought I was not worth the help. It was hard to be there, but I was just so desperate to live despite my suicidal mind.
I did get better, slowly. I stopped feeling like a burden, and I stopped feeling worthless.
These days I have a great life, I have good friends, people i support such as at work - I'm a mental health peer support worker.
I have peace of mind too.
I'm just saying, you never know what the future holds. I'm sure your mum would be devastated to lose you, as would many others.
Hang in there, I'm sorry the hospital didn't help.

Those echoes attacking my worth as a human being and raining down prophesies of doom sure do get loud when the bad things in life happen to me. Sometimes it helps me to remember that is the PTSD talking. At best, it ain't nothin' easy to endure.

Gentle support and many reminders of your strengths and the many lives you touch, blue. Healing hopes.