Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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MariposaAzul 06/01/2018

I apologize, but there may be triggers to anyone suffering from sexual trauma. I apologize if I am not allowed to post this, but I really could use the advice of others who have gone through this as well.

OK, here I go.

I will be married to my husband 25 years this coming September. It has not been easy, but I settled into a world of oblivion, which was easier than facing issues head-on, with a man who refused to believe anything was wrong; or if there was anything wrong, I was to blame for it. Then, 4 years ago, as a result from a Ancestry DNA test, I learned that my Dad was not my biological father, and that I am actually the result of a one-night stand. Oh, and I am mixed race, something that ended up ending friendships, and something that ultimately resulted in getting me disowned by my mother and her family when I refused to keep it secret, and instead demanded answers.

I did find my paternal family and started building relationships and discovering my culture (Afro-Caribbean). I visted Costa Rica and finally met my father and extended family. I was feeling hope and happiness for the first time in my life.

I thought that my husband was aboard this journey with me. While he's always been a Narcissist, I thought my life was heading in a positive direction. I was so very wrong. My husband is (and always has been) subtly verbally and emotionally abusive. He is also addicted to porn. The more confident I became, the worse the abuse started to get. Then, my husband's sexual addiction turned a huge corner. Without getting too graphic, let's just say he demanded to 'act out' what he was viewing...and this was progressively demeaning, degrading and more violent.

I am now under treatment for Acute Stress Disorder, PTSD and sexual abuse by spouse. The last time I went to my therapist, my husband accompanied me. I went into shock when she notified him that one of his activities put me at serious risk of being injured or killed. Then one of my best friends (an abuse survivor) gently let me know that this activity was RAPE. The shock of everything hit me unexpectedly and hard. I was taken to the ER when I started experiencing signs of severe emotional trauma. One of the symptoms was severe shaking.

The shaking got progressively worse. Now, one week later, I feel like I swallowed a jackhammer! It reminds me of Restless Legs Syndrome. I can control most of it if I focus and work to control my muscles, but this is exhausting. It can be one hand, 2 legs or my entire body. I have noticed that it gets much worse about the time that my husband gets home from work, or if he is in the room with me. It's been one whole week of shaking, rocking and tapping that I just can't stop.

What is happening to me?!? Why is my body doing this?

(BTW: while I know that some people might not agree, my husband and I are both in therapy and trying to work this out. I do not have the means to support myself at this time. I do have boundaries in place and he is respecting them)

Mariposa2213 06/02/2018

I am not a psychologist but I’ve been in enough therapy to know he triggers you, for obvious reasons, and your emotional stress is coming through and manifesting itself in a physiological response. Your body is trying to activate the right or flight response. Hopefully you do what’s best for you. Therapy helps.

EverlastingPhoenix 06/02/2018

I'm all for you going to counseling and working on saving your marriage.. But You need to get some EMDR therapy for your own self if you wanna heal from this. That fear and anxiety will be there the rest of your life if you don't get the right help ❤

SimpsonsOK 06/02/2018

Unfortunately, sex addicts progress in their addiction just as other addicts do. Glad you have a therapist who gets what has happened. I have Essential Tremor, which shows up under stress, whether physical or emotional. Something you might want to get ruled out. There are many forms of therapy that can help you. You will hear of them in various replies. Of course, when you stopped being under his thumb, he was not going to be a happy camper. Hoping you both can get healthy together. Healing hugs.

mujicaptsd 06/02/2018

I'm what they call a Third Culture Kid, I was raised in a cultures overseas in Latin America that are different from my passport culture. I love those Latin American cultures, which is why I got a doctorate in Spanish and have taught Spanish language and culture for decades. However, I got PTSD in wars going on in those countries back then because combat went on in the barrio where I lived there for 6 years.

I was relieved to come live in the USA, my passport country, for the expert therapists' help for PTSD here. However, I never made the transition to adapting to life in my passport country here in the USA, and it led directly to divorce for me. I took my spouse back to where I grew up in Latin America and it led to my spouse's rejection of my homeland because my connection to it, my spouse said, "made me too foreign."

After my divorce I went on Seroquel for nightmares, but it contributed to permanent kidney damage that is now an added struggle to PTSD for me. On the bright side, in two years I'm moving back to Latin America now that there's peace where I grew up there and I've got good therapy support and the right meds and my kidney disease is stable.

Cultural stuff does matter, and I appreciate your bringing it up.

PTSD leads to physiological issues, yes, and not just from meds like Seroquel as happened to me. So it's a good idea for you to get EMDR for that. I'm glad you have therapy to save your marriage and good boundaries in it. Much support to you with that.

soulsearcher83 06/03/2018

I honestly think you would be better off living in your car than staying put. I don't see a way to ever forgive someone of rape. You are having a fight or flight response to your husband's presence. He is your direct trigger. IDK if you have young kids but you might want to consider talking about finding a roommate rather than stay. If you can even get a pt job you would be better off bc you would be more financially independent but it would open up your options. You're also reacting this way because you feel trapped. Talk to your therapist about your options for women's shelters (who also often take children if you have them) working and getting out.

MariposaAzul 06/04/2018

I want to thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. I'm deeply grateful.

I am now aware of just how bad the shaking can get when I am triggered. Even trivial things that would have hardly caused me to look up from my coffee are now causing an intense 'fight-or-flight' reaction. Hopefully, as my therapy progresses, this will reduce to a managable level.

Culture can, and does, matter. Before my world fell apart, I kept hearing about the amazing love of Latino families. This was far beyond the emotional abuse of a mother who raised an unwanted child, and her family that looked upon my dark skin, brown eyes and curly hair with suspicion. I am deeply grateful they are out of my life now! In comparison, my Tico family 'circled the wagons' and enveloped me in love and security immediately upon my reveal. It didn't matter that they had only had me in their lives for 2 years. We are one blood.

I knew there would be some questioning as to why I am staying with my husband. Believe me... I understand. A couple of years ago, I would have been at the front of the pack, yelling for a woman to LEAVE and never look back or think twice. Now, I have to humbly admit that life isn't always so simple. Truthfully, leaving him is the last resort. At my age, I do not have a good career or skills set to survive in a major city. I have health issues that demand insurance. I have no one to stay with (beyond a few nights) and I am not ready to move to Costa Rica. My husband is working intensely in 12 step programs and just got a sponsor. He also took me with him to his therapist where I gave my opinion of his worst issues. My husband is aware that it is my choice if we have a marriage or simply 'co-exist'. It's not an ideal situation, but I need to consider all issues here.

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