I am new here. Haven't dealt with symptoms for 13 yrs. But now as I am having different procedures done on my lower back, I am experiencing symptoms again. My Mom died suddenly of complications from back surgery when I was 16 yrs old. The rest of my family was of no real help, or they verbally abused me and blamed me for her death and struggles. My father was no help and then after funeral the family abandoned my brother 5 yrs younger than I and myself completely. I had some symptoms as I grew into my 20's but I self medicated them. When I got clean & sober in 1990 at the age of 30 I began to have symptoms here and there with certain environmental and relationship triggers. I was diagnosed with P.T.S.D. 2 yrs before getting sober but only help was a little bit of group therapy. Then in 1997 I did a straight up dissociation thing and began to use alcohol (controling it well for 3 months) but I took on old personality and trashed my life and moved back to my past. I lasted 3 months before I woke up in another state and wondered how the hell I got there. Came home, got sober again and picked up where I had left off . I had a good therapist but insurance did not cover much. he did some hypnotherapy with me (only 3 visits) and I have managed it up until these last couple of years it has been slowly returning with me having to have serious help with my own bad back and my relationship falling apart because the guy I've been with can't handle my chronic pain and the issues which arise because of it. I am leaving him now, but not before the damage of him abandoning me every way except physical. Now that is happening too but it is mutual.

I experienced a complete blackout as a result of wanting to push the issues and emotions on the back burner for the last procedure on my lower back. Between the small amount of sedation and me wanting it to go away I blacked out/ dissociated completely for almost 24 hours.

Every time I have to lay on the table for another procedure I experience symptoms more or less severe. The nite before the procedures I get full of anxiety and can't sleep and then on the drive to the clinic I begin to feel emotions bubbling up and then when I lay on the table I cannot control the tears and it's hard to explain the table part.
That's a quick overview.
I am tired now.............just looking for advice, tools to use to calm myself etc. Must lay on table tomorrow at noon-thirty.
Thanks in advance for any help.
Stubborn TerrieAnn