Welcome to the board nothing..... I'm sorry that you're suffering and feel so angry

Anger is a secondary emotion .. So something has caused it... pain, fear or frustration.... Working with a professional to get to the root of it and working on ways to work through it can change your life

I'm sorry for what's brought you here but I'm glad that you found us... Big hug of comfort and peace... xo

Hey, nothing, I can relate as to how trauma was so familiar to you, yet there's another part of you that yearns for a life without trauma I grew up in a home in which 2 mentally ill people got married, stayed untreated, and played out their mental illness until finally arrested. The husband was an untreated manicdepressive (bipolar disorder) who beat the wife once a week. The wife had borderline personality disorder from having been abused as a girl by her pastor father. The husband she married was a pastor, too, and together they tried the geographical cure and became missionaries, of all things.




The country they went to was in the midst of a civil war, though. When the weekly domestic violence got to be too bad and I escaped the house as a kid to try to find peace and safety, I found none. I walked into a bombing at age 9. I got caught in a gunfight in which a guy died next to me at age 11. Then at age 15 I was mistaken and captured by a military patrol who took me for a civil war rebel, tortured me, then tried to execute me with a pistol to my head that, thank goodness, jammed twice. The office owning the pistol and pulling the trigger was too much of a macho man to ask for help from one of his soldiers and the loan of one of their rifles. Instead he mocked me because I had wet my pants in fear in the ordeal and sent me packing, thank goodness again.




Back in my house, as I became a teenager I got included in the weekly domestic violence beatings. My mother began to beat me after my father beat her. Seeing that, my father then decided to skip the pecking order and beat me, too. Usually it was every Thursday, when as pastor my father was working on his sermon for Sunday and so he took out his public speaking anxiety on me as part of his creative writing process.




Having come close to being shot at age 15 by an officer on the street, I became concerned when my father’s domestic violence toward me escalated to involving a double barrel shotgun. I was an excellent high school student. A US Christian college president came to visit us missionaries. Meeting him I got early college admission from him and went on to college in the USA four months before actually finishing my high school senior year.




My parents stayed behind as missionaries, stayed mentally ill, and were eventually arrested for laundering cocaine money through their church. That, by the way, was mostly my mother’s doing.




I went on to get married twice and I’m proud to say that since I went into therapy for the PTSD I got in my family of origin, I never, ever committed any act of abuse, physical or verbal, to either of my wives. This even though both marriages ended in divorce because although I avoided following that saying that “hurt people hurt people” and I didn’t, I did marry 2 women with borderline personality disorder like my mom had. That’s where I related from my own history as to what you said here about how trauma was familiar to you. I picked familiar people, unfortunately, the kind that would hurt me, and they did.




People with BPD are very manipulative and both of the women I chose to marry were very much so, and I was a victim of their years of adultery. The second committed adultery in a way to sabotage my weekly support group membership, because she had regular adultery every week at the time I went to my weekly face to face support group meeting. It was canceled one week due to unforeseen circumstances and I came home and caught her and her adulterous partner red handed in my home.




I’ve been single ever since, and managed to get through all of the PTSD combined that surviving all of that entailed. Support here really helps Sending you my support for your daily strength today. Sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us. Welcome.

I have several symptoms of BPD and even though I try to not be manipulative, I think I still am. I also have some symptoms of sociopathy but I don’t think I have it fully, BPD I’m not so sure about. I haven’t been though that extreme but based on what I have been through, I think part of me would like it (the war part not the abuse part). There’s a saying that psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made, idk how close I am to being made. One thing I love is the sight of blood. I can’t stand videos of people dying, it makes me sick, but real life for some reason is different, I’ve watched my own blood poor out of me and I’ve loved the sight of it, so much blood I was slipping on it and it was fun to me. That there should make me and anyone else sick but it doesn’t, I like being in danger. I like when my survival instinct kicks in and it’s only me and death fighting to come out on top. Idk what any of this has to do with anything but. I just want help I guess. I either want help or hell, and idk how to get either.

Welcome. It's hard to know how to handle the emotions, which is why we're here. Let it out.

As for the adrenaline junkie thing? Not uncommon in people who either had really dull or reallllllly stressful childhoods/early adulthoods. We're used to living at a high level of adrenaline from hypervigilance, as a rule.

As for sociopathy? That's something for the professionals. It's worth it to get a clinical diagnosis from at least 3 psychiatrists/psychologists who aren't in the same practice. It's easier to get a solid diagnosis that way, in my experience.

I don’t think I have sociopathy, but there are some symptoms. I haven’t had a dull life, really the polar opposite, I want more excitement and danger in my life, it’s fun to me idk why. But I feel like there is a limit and when I hit that limit I’ll finally be happy. I just dont know what it’ll take.

I can't say I enjoyed it, but seeing blood doesn't scare me because I saw plenty of blood growing up as a missionary kid in a war zone overseas, nothing. It certainly wasn't boring. At age 11 in a riot a mounted policeman shot down at me but I stumbled backwards and the bullet caught the guy next to me right in the groin. In movies you see folks get shot everywhere but the groin, but in real life it happens, and since the groin is loaded with blood vessels like the neck is, he died quickly.

I guess seeing that as a boy prepared me for being the ER staffer my doctors and nurses assigned to being the first one to open the ambulance door when a patient was brought to us. I didn't have the usual reaction, they said, and it seemed to be comforting keep patients from going into shock. I found then that PTSD brings us plenty of suffering to be sure, but it also can leave us some coping skills that can be helpful to others.