Arfie- did you ever think about going on strike on these people? I mean do absolutely nothing for them. If they ask you to hand them something, just ignore them. It is a bit drastic but they might start listening once your behavior starts affecting them like their behavior is affecting you. I think the son might be the most susceptible since he doesn't want to grow up. After a few weeks of no clean laundry, cooked meals, etc. him and hubby should start to take notice. As far as FIL, he may be a tougher cookie to crack. But good luck.

I can't imagine the situation since I've never been in similar---no kids for one---but with all apologies, maybe it's time to simply... well, it sounds nuts, but maybe just simply walk into a room where all three males are present and say, "FIL, you're right, not our business," and tell son, "You're right, I say effed-up things," and tell hubby, "There, that's what they want. Crazy, ain't it?" and retreat to your den.

I swear that's the only thing that ever shut up the insanity in my in-laws---they get stuck in this bulldog stubborn mode wher ethey will *not* break away or step away or whatever is needed to just stop the pattern. (They have obstinacy issues.)

So a therapist long ago when hubby and I were in therapy after a separation, the therapist said, "When he says X, agree. In half an hour he will realize how wrong that is."

Worked on hubby, works on my bro-in-law, my niece, etc.----Agree with everyone's words no matter how untrue or absurd or illogical or so on... It stops the conflict for a while, and sometimes even my incredibly ditzoid Sis-in-Law will realize she was maknig no sense whatsoever.

I dunno. I wish I had real advice and could give some spit and growl to break it up for your peace of mind, but... I dunno....I don't live in your fur or your home.

Just giving you big wishes for peace

I am currently sleeping in my studio. Haven't spoken an effing word in the homestead for months now. I haven't responded to eff-bombed text tirades for even longer. When I do respond to civilly phrased questions, I keep it as near to "Yes" and "No" as possible.

I visit the in-laws to provide moral support for my husband. I studiously mind my own business when I am there and keep my focus on easing my husband's pain whenever I can. Hubs is not perfect, but he remains the love of my life. Why do fools fall in love? Well... Whatever his co-dependency issues, he remains a gifted poet and super-generous soul... Not perfect, but perfect for me.

Dumping the chump (divorce) is the only step left in the "going on strike" sequence. Might go to the Amazon Basin, instead. Been looking for the Serenity Prayer in Portuguese.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Agh......so sorry you are struggling with this. I don't have the in laws nor the husband but I have the kid. She is not close to middle aged yet but I can recognize the language. It sounds like to stay for the love of your life and that is a good enough reason. The kid on the other hand....anyway for him to lose your number so you don't have to read his crap?

Arfie, I have put up with a lot for the sake of staying wtiht eh love of my life (hubby) and I can sympathize with that.

Wish we could magically whisk it all away.

Ah, for want of the magic Just Wand.

Methinks venting is as close as we get. It helps. I at least feel less toxic now.

Hubs and I had a great lunch today. We might be in danger of building an honest unity in the squeeze of all this. Maybe. Dare I hope?

Well, if my hubby and I can survive his fam, my am, my issues, his issues, and so on? Then anything is possible, and all hope can be fulfilled!

It is not about being perfect. It is about working it out, warts and all.