I’m more than not okay. I haven’t been on here since my last post before mother’s day. It looks like you guys sent me such nice messages but I keep seeing blurry a little trying to read them my eyes are swollen from crying so much
this has been the first day that I haven’t been paralyzed by EVERYTHING that I was even able to log on
I’m in a really really bad place, I been thinking about suicide
im 36 & & last official suicide attempt was at 14 yrs old & I was put in a really bad impatient in the inner city where I was sexually abused & I was easy pray cause they could see how fd up any adults in my life, such an easy target.
& when I got out of there my life got progressively FD up so bad.
I want to write more more but I can barely see & im just using my one hand that isn’t as bad but it still hurts
some of you guys know some of my story the little bits I’ve tried to get out on here, but I’m not good at telling everything or close to everything- I dissociate A Lot
ive survived so much that it’s crazy & don’t thunk it’s faire to have to go through that much insanity
ive been abused & beaten SO badly, shot at ect... that I flinch at everything & when I finally escaped from my abusive boyfriend when he tried to murder me & almost succeeded & stalked me when I was hiding in cheap hotels & barely able to walk from being beaten so badly (even the white parts of my eyes where neon red from being punched & choked so hard & I’ll spare the details but really horrifying shit that the night I finally escaped I went running & running block after block completely naked & bloody (it was the only split second that I just barely got away ... so running naked & beaten like that I’ll never forget until I could run to maybe a house for help at three in the morning & boom just like that I see myself shutting down & cant rite anymore
i ‘live’ if you can call it that with multiple permanent injuries in Consatnt pain with a jaw that pops in & out & locks up
I’m in hell, I wish I could write & explain more
but wondering if the alternative to suicide is to live in this hell
I always wonder if I’m just so way to broken to go on & will never understand this hell
Im sorry to anyone that had to read that
i just dont don’t know what to do, I’m just sooooo beyond fd up
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