Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
May I ?
I've literally cried from some of your stories, over the last few weeks. I've felt powerless to help, but really wished I could.
This liver thing that hit me on Christmas Day, and which they're calling a Drug-Induced Liver Injury ... has left me flat-out.
Debilitated. Bedridden. Probably 23hrs/day. I've taken a couple of very short walks in the last week. Each time, I've been roundly spanked.
Not only have my chemically burned eyes simply screamed from being outside ... I've also simply collapsed on the bed, and gone into a coma, after each outing.
They call that "exercise intolerance." This may have triggered some CFS/ME thing, or some virus, or some autoimmune thing. From the research I COULD do, it's a distinct possibility.
At the end of the month, I'm flying to Minnesota, to be seen by the Mayo Clinic.
Gotta' try something.
After that, I'm scheduled to fly back to the Rockies, see some family, my wife, my dog, and ... had planned to retrieve my car from my brother and sister-in-law's house.
May NOT be able to do that. May not be able to drive -- not half-way across the country, and not once I get back to Mom's house.
Have had to let them know that -- may have to leave the car with you ... s'more.
Also alerted my wife ... who still lives in the town Of Which I May Not Speak, and where I picked up MY C-PTSD ... and asked her if I could stay with her for a few weeks, if I can't get out of town.
And it all ties back to my Complex Trauma.
It's because of what they did to me that I developed insomnia, kept passing out while wearing my bionic lenses (that you CANNOT sleep in), and -- eventually -- developed complications that now prevent me from wearing those lenses.
It's a great metaphor for our PTSD, isn't it: our defenses are broken, and we are HIGHLY vulnerable to pain from external events.
My lenses were my eyes' defenses -- filled with preservative free saline solution, and STUCK (using plungers) into my eyes, every day.
They were my armor. They were my wheelchair.
And they're gone, and I probably cannot get them back.
Which is why the eye pain came back with a vengeance.
Which is why I fled the country and tried life in the tropics.
Which is why I got back on five different meds -- to try to manage the pain.
Which -- apparently -- is why my body broke ... yet again.
Like many of you, I rarely use the word "hate."
But I hate these people -- these savage, heartless, soulless sadists who took everything from me because they "didn't believe there was anything medically wrong with me."
Some of my docs are theorizing that I may now have something called Mitochondrial Dysfunction. You don't want that. It's bad. But it can be caused by drug injuries.
[TRIGGER WARNING]
And ... for several months ... I have been evaluating options for "not doing this anymore."
There are places in this world, where -- if you have an "unendurable disability" or "intractable pain" (I can't take meds, anymore ?) -- they will provide you with a little cocktail that will allow you to pass quietly into the next life.
I have 'signed up' with such a place. They stand ready.
I have compiled all the med records that they would need to understand that -- even without the C-PTSD -- I am well and truly screwed.
I will go to the Mayo Clinic, though it will draw significantly from the scant savings that I have, and that were designed to help me move somewhere, and start anew, AND ... to take ONE more very long shot at getting my bionic lenses back.
Somewhere. Somehow.
And I WILL keep breathing ... one day at a time ... one hour at a time ... one minute at a time.
But I've finally decided what I've long considered: not forever.
I'm going to turn 50 ... while I'm at the Mayo Clinic. I've been battling against this very frail body of mine for my entire life. Like many of you, the PTSD was just the icing on the cake.
And ... as we all know ... the PTSD brings MORE physical illness, makes existing physical problems worse, AND draws down our capacity to endure, to fight, to persevere ... in a profound way.
I can't do this forever.
Or ... I won't, anyway.
MojoPaw made me tear up when he described all of you ... all of us: people with HUGE hearts and unlimited goodness, kicked around like a playground ball by some unimaginably broken people.
I also want to take this opportunity -- because I should -- to say that I love you all :-)
I've literally cried from some of your stories, over the last few weeks. I've felt powerless to help, but really wished I could.
This liver thing that hit me on Christmas Day, and which they're calling a Drug-Induced Liver Injury ... has left me flat-out.
Debilitated. Bedridden. Probably 23hrs/day. I've taken a couple of very short walks in the last week. Each time, I've been roundly spanked.
Not only have my chemically burned eyes simply screamed from being outside ... I've also simply collapsed on the bed, and gone into a coma, after each outing.
They call that "exercise intolerance." This may have triggered some CFS/ME thing, or some virus, or some autoimmune thing. From the research I COULD do, it's a distinct possibility.
At the end of the month, I'm flying to Minnesota, to be seen by the Mayo Clinic.
Gotta' try something.
After that, I'm scheduled to fly back to the Rockies, see some family, my wife, my dog, and ... had planned to retrieve my car from my brother and sister-in-law's house.
May NOT be able to do that. May not be able to drive -- not half-way across the country, and not once I get back to Mom's house.
Have had to let them know that -- may have to leave the car with you ... s'more.
Also alerted my wife ... who still lives in the town Of Which I May Not Speak, and where I picked up MY C-PTSD ... and asked her if I could stay with her for a few weeks, if I can't get out of town.
And it all ties back to my Complex Trauma.
It's because of what they did to me that I developed insomnia, kept passing out while wearing my bionic lenses (that you CANNOT sleep in), and -- eventually -- developed complications that now prevent me from wearing those lenses.
It's a great metaphor for our PTSD, isn't it: our defenses are broken, and we are HIGHLY vulnerable to pain from external events.
My lenses were my eyes' defenses -- filled with preservative free saline solution, and STUCK (using plungers) into my eyes, every day.
They were my armor. They were my wheelchair.
And they're gone, and I probably cannot get them back.
Which is why the eye pain came back with a vengeance.
Which is why I fled the country and tried life in the tropics.
Which is why I got back on five different meds -- to try to manage the pain.
Which -- apparently -- is why my body broke ... yet again.
Like many of you, I rarely use the word "hate."
But I hate these people -- these savage, heartless, soulless sadists who took everything from me because they "didn't believe there was anything medically wrong with me."
Some of my docs are theorizing that I may now have something called Mitochondrial Dysfunction. You don't want that. It's bad. But it can be caused by drug injuries.
[TRIGGER WARNING]
And ... for several months ... I have been evaluating options for "not doing this anymore."
There are places in this world, where -- if you have an "unendurable disability" or "intractable pain" (I can't take meds, anymore ?) -- they will provide you with a little cocktail that will allow you to pass quietly into the next life.
I have 'signed up' with such a place. They stand ready.
I have compiled all the med records that they would need to understand that -- even without the C-PTSD -- I am well and truly screwed.
I will go to the Mayo Clinic, though it will draw significantly from the scant savings that I have, and that were designed to help me move somewhere, and start anew, AND ... to take ONE more very long shot at getting my bionic lenses back.
Somewhere. Somehow.
And I WILL keep breathing ... one day at a time ... one hour at a time ... one minute at a time.
But I've finally decided what I've long considered: not forever.
I'm going to turn 50 ... while I'm at the Mayo Clinic. I've been battling against this very frail body of mine for my entire life. Like many of you, the PTSD was just the icing on the cake.
And ... as we all know ... the PTSD brings MORE physical illness, makes existing physical problems worse, AND draws down our capacity to endure, to fight, to persevere ... in a profound way.
I can't do this forever.
Or ... I won't, anyway.
MojoPaw made me tear up when he described all of you ... all of us: people with HUGE hearts and unlimited goodness, kicked around like a playground ball by some unimaginably broken people.
I also want to take this opportunity -- because I should -- to say that I love you all :-)
-
I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
-
Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Ive never seen you but you are loved.
YOu are a wonderful soul.
But I understand that your decision comes from a long contemplation.
I will hope, pray you find the help you need.
You're very loved, and valued. And from the Appalachians, I send you a breath of spring mountain air, to fill your lungs and clear your soul.
Gentlest hugs and purrs,
Leo
I know about being bed ridden . Unexplained debilitating pains in the body.
Doctors not knowing what the heck there doing ! yes thank you almost half a million dollars of doctor bills.
Im having a crappy day today. But If there a way I can help let me know.
And you do help.
More than you'll ever know.
You all "getting it" means the world to me.
Yeah. The medical bills. Who needed to buy groceries, or pay the light bill, anyway ??
So many hugs.
So much gratitude :-)
Jus tknow we get it, we're here, and if we can help, we will.
Warm hugs being overnighted your way!
Please try it. It couldn't hurt.
Donnawanda: no scorn from me. Promise ! I'll play it at bedtime, tonight. Many thanks :-)
I am so sorry for how you're suffering. As my condition deteriorates over time, I'll be where you are if I'm lucky and a bus doesn't hit me first. I want to be there for you now as I hope someone on this site with be there for me years from now. Let me know anything I can do to let you know you're not alone, David.