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In writing in my Bad News thread, people were so generous to offer support. I talked there about processing this bad news I just got about my kidney disease. I realized how it is that I have built this anti-suicide plan in my PTSD recovery life, and how this news threatens that plan.
Hm. Learn something knew about yourself every day. I decided to ask a question in a new thread.
Anybody else have their life centered around such an anti-suicide plan? Here's mine.
"So it's hard to accept that the kidney disease has advanced now, against all efforts physical, mental, and spiritual to hold it back. I really don't want to slide into stage 4 because several dialysis appointments a week will take away my ability to travel very easily. I literally live for my trips back home every summer to my beloved little Uruguay. I want to hang in there with my PTSD and not self destruct so I can retire there in 10 years.
I have this plan to die there where my PTSD began in the Uruguayan war of the 1960s when I was young. I've lived with that war in me every day all these years since, so my plan to rest in peace there would bring this PTSD combat thing full circle to rest. It means a lot to my PTSD daily recovery now to have that future plan in place against any suicide plans I'm tempted to make along the way. So this bad news bringing dialysis closer threatens my good master plan."
That's what's at stake for me anyway, in this bad news. Anybody else got something like that?
Hm. Learn something knew about yourself every day. I decided to ask a question in a new thread.
Anybody else have their life centered around such an anti-suicide plan? Here's mine.
"So it's hard to accept that the kidney disease has advanced now, against all efforts physical, mental, and spiritual to hold it back. I really don't want to slide into stage 4 because several dialysis appointments a week will take away my ability to travel very easily. I literally live for my trips back home every summer to my beloved little Uruguay. I want to hang in there with my PTSD and not self destruct so I can retire there in 10 years.
I have this plan to die there where my PTSD began in the Uruguayan war of the 1960s when I was young. I've lived with that war in me every day all these years since, so my plan to rest in peace there would bring this PTSD combat thing full circle to rest. It means a lot to my PTSD daily recovery now to have that future plan in place against any suicide plans I'm tempted to make along the way. So this bad news bringing dialysis closer threatens my good master plan."
That's what's at stake for me anyway, in this bad news. Anybody else got something like that?
Don't know if that would make a difference or not?
More details about it...it looks like you only have to go in to the dialysis clinic monthly with this and are less tied down. The big drawback is a big potential for peritonitis.
What I learned (in my brief >50 yrs) in these last couple years when only downhill was the direction, that grieving was good, anger at my body, acceptable, denial--ultimately a losing proposition; but hope was what kept me alive. I bought these plaques that said, "Hope" "Live...for today" and the like...like xa1 said.
For the first year, I would grumble and scoff at them. But then my assistant placed them ever so slyly in every room. I now laugh when I walk by them because I know what she was trying to say was, "Don't give up, you are loved and cherished and .....hope can bring miracles."