I don't believe in God or whatever but something happened that saved me. Two days in a row my mom was mad at me and blaming me. It all started because I didn't wait for her to find me after my chorus concert like I normally do. In my mind I was thinking 'phone, mom, friends, bag' but I missed the first two and instead found friends first. Took me 15 minutes to find her car because she was giving me useless directions. So she's yelling at me and my mental state is breaking as she continues to yell. But I'm forcing myself not to cry because I don't want her getting more mad at me. We reach home and she goes to bed angry. Slames the door and leaving me emotionally broken and wanting to die. I'm already depressed about my grandpa passing away. I went to the bathroom and stood there, staring at my body. Myself. I tortured myself. Forced myself to see everything I hated about myself. Forced myself to see me as a female because I didn't fucking deserve to see the male I feel I am. Forced myself to relive my rapes and abuse because I fucking desevded what happened to me. In that moment I deserved to feel like dying. I deserved to feel unhappy. And I don't even remember when, but at some point I grabbed a knife and pointed it at myself. Just as I was about to stab myself, I saw my old girlfriend. The girlfriend in which was going to stab herself if I didn't put myself at risk. I saw her face in my face and I just dropped the knife. And as I dropped the knife my old dance teacher called me asking me about my concert. And he heard my heart shattering or something because he asked what happened and I just spilled every thing to him. From my rape when I was a child. To when I was forced to give head to my ex. To the concert. To my grandpa passing away to my mom getting mad at me. And he stayed on the phone with me for 3 hours waiting for me to be okay. Eventually I was fine and went to bed. Woke up 6am to my mom apologizing for her attitude the night before. She told me to text her because of the hurricane but I forgot. I was distracted with senior meeting. Got a ride home with a friend because she didn't want me walking in possible rain. Working on homework when mom comes into the living room pissed off at me. My phone's in my room charging. She apparently called me 11 times to see where I was. Problem, my phone was in my room, charging, no vibration or call sound and my door was shut. I explained that to her and she got mad at me again. She went to bed after that and I was alone again. Again, ready to die. And my best friend called me. He told me he felt me being emotionally distressed and knew he should call. He and his boyfriend stayed on the phone with me until I was practically falling asleep at 4am. Went to school and just cried to my friend. She told me she wants me to see the psychiatrist at our school because she's worried about me. So I'm going there tomorrow. It's been rough