Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
My oldest, who remembers the abuse his half brother did to him, has started piecing things together and asked if it happened to his brother too. I couldn't lie to him, as much as I want to protect him, and confirmed it as well as others. I was hoping he would feel less targeted by learning that but bless his heart he hurt for them too. He started crying at school and they asked me to come pick him up. I took him to a quiet street and parked so we could talk. There's no handbook for these things and I did most the talking. I'm so fucking mad I don't know what to say to make my son feel better, I want to take his pain away and fix things so badly and it's devastating to me that I can't. It finally dawned on me after trying to say all the right things that I just need to accept he's having a bad day and let him know he is allowed. I told him he did the right thing to ask to come home because he is a kid and it's hard for even adults to process this stuff sometimes. He agreed to start counselling again, I want him to feel comfortable having a counsellor just in case he wants or needs one as a grown man. I also want him to see a counsellor because I feel so incapable as a mother when it comes to this. My insecurities are most likely wrong because he bounced back pretty good after our talk but I just want the best for him and need to make sure he's getting the best advice.
He told me he missed his grandma, my mom who I walked Away from, so I texted her asking if she'd be willing to spend some time with them. I personally can't stand her and believe she's bpd. But I've seen her behave with the boys for short periods so felt comfortable with asking her of that. She didn't respond so there's another heart break for my son. I let him know what happened and that he did nothing wrong for her to behave that way and just said her anger towards me is clouding her better judgement. I could tell he was shocked and a light bulb went off in him and he said I guess I just don't really care. Hugged him and he said love you mom and went back to playing Xbox and laughing with his friends.
I'm happy for his response and understand he still will have to process it and just hope he comes and asks me instead of letting it bottle up. I'll let his counsellor know about this too.
Has any other parents dealt with their children being sexually abused and did it make you feel like everything you knew about being a parent was turned upside down? Did it make you question every judgement call you had to make for your kids? I just don't want to fuck them up even more than that monster did to them or like what my mother did to me. Any advice on how I could of handled things differently?
-
I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
-
First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
I can't remember how old he is.
About the only thing I might do differently is to let him talk to his grandmother directly...but that's very age and developmentally dependent (what's the right age for one kid, isn't the right age for another).
Mine is a very different story, but the story still affected my children mightily. It continues to affect them now that they are middle aged. I saved my children the sexual abuse, etc which permeates my family tree, but. . . They felt the fractures of the family tree I used to protect them. The cycle of dysfunction still leaked through those fractures of the family tree. Living with a PTSD sufferer is a challenge, in itself, even when the sufferer is not called, "Mom."
As I continue to pray and work for healing of the family dysfunction, I try not to get too lost in the shoulda, coulda and woulda scenarios. Done is done. We can only move on from here.
Back to your story, I find myself wanting to simply celebrate the fact that you and your son shared about it and the sharing ended in a hug. Sounds like a good, solid step to this Toxic Mom. Healing is a long journey of many small steps.
Continued support while you work your way through, Jenn.
Me feeding my sons breakfast and lunch everyday means I did more than my mother with sometimes supper here and there, so I did do better than what I had, for my sons. It doesn't mean they won't grow up resenting me for lack of snacks in between. Lol just an example. We all have pasts we're trying to overcome and honestly feel or felt like we were doing our best at the time. Growth created new insight into what we are capable of now and you're right we can't go back but we can reflect. So I hope you forgive yourself completely for your shortcomings as I do forgive my mom for when I was a child. The point is to stop the patterns and just plain give a damn, which I can tell you do so I'm proud of you.
Simpson thank you for reflecting what my insecurities were back to me in a positive, uplifting light. You're right, if there's communication then that's a great sign. I'll see what his counsellor suggests with the grandma thing, she's my counsellor too as well as she met my mom and saw first hand what we are dealing with. So I know she wouldn't be giving a biased opinion based on opinion alone. As much as I want to keep my sons away from her and I'm struggling to respect that they have to come to that conclusion on their own, I'm going to keep an open mind, for their sake.
you cared to come - huge. you gave your son a safe place and validation right away. you came for him when he needed you, you got him from school and gave him privacy - special time alone with you to safely talk - or not talk - just be safe.
that is so what he needed right then and you gave him that. remember how - we wouldn't have been able to put it into words - but we needed that from someone, especially from our mothers and they so were not there for us - you were just THERE for your son in the biggest way - and you did it so very well.
you gave him space to cry, you gave him space to talk and to ask questions - and when he did? you answered him with difficult truth - but truth.
you have waited, carefully waited for him to be ready for it. it became time and you gave him truth in the most safe environment, with the most caring of people - his loving gentle mother - you, with lots of time, in case he needed more. and it helped him. it was the most helpful and healing help it could possibly have been.
now (((((hugs)))) you, this amazing mother, are going to carefully follow up with a tried and true counselor for him. check you out, Mom. just check you out <333