Let her know it's her night off, not to report to work tomorrow, there will be no paycheck.

I am sorry she is being a pest to you tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeMFqkcPYcg

Sounds like what is called an introject. You say " She is like my abuser". Sometimes we internalize things from our abusers, and sometimes we compartmentalize them into a kind of alter. Most feelings, desires, attitudes that we have come from inside us, but introjects come from outside us. It is treatable, and you don't have to let this introject hurt anybody. you do have to control it. An ironic thing is that even an introject gets dealt with in ways that are not fighting evil with evil, but constructively, and they can also be banished if need be.

Teach her soutache.

She'll be so dissociated from the world around her she'll completely forget about making your life a misery. And you will be entertained, and calm.

Jewells- that was a surprise. I thought I'd be getting a psych video! : D

I know what you mean, Cecil.

It's, the little girl that was squashed as I was a child rotted inside of me and she comes out sometimes... and she's an evil b!tch.

I'd try to see what's going on in your life that causes her to come out. Usually for me, I'm stressed about something, and it's my f or f mode gone wrong.

Take care.

A lot of people never come to realize what you're saying about yourself, Cecil. They live in denial and just obey their internal punisher and get more and more self righteous about it.

What you've done by writing about it here is half the battle. And you know what the next step is, too: not turning it on yourself.

Anyone who's been abused faces the temptation to be like their own abuser, who set the example not to follow.I know, I've been there, too. I applaud you Cecil. You're gonna make it.

Deli you mean it's not? Actually it was my "anger song" I used to listen to is to accept the bad. Then finding "better" was any other direction away from it. Of course traveling the world and the seven seas was usually done in books or imagination...the sweet dreams, that kept me going.

Cecil its really brave of you to write about it, I think anyway.

I have a similar side, I think, that I try to hide deep away in a cage, because it scares me. Ive thought about situations where worste case scenerio I would rather lash it out on myself than hurt others.

I think about it more when I watch tv shows showing angry violent people. Especially if they do things that strike a cord with me and make me mad.

It has to come from the abuse. It just has to. I wish I knew what to do with it, so I could tell you. But talking about it is a big step, at least.

The Beast in Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmrqXWSMTiw

It would be nice if we could blame it all on someone else, but the truth is that each and every one of us has the capacity to do evil.

Thank you all for the support and accepting, if not understanding my rants.

Jeeze some days are bad. Some days I must have the will of a momma tiger not to let the bad in me hurt someone else.

A few years ago I came so close to letting the bitch loose it scared me.

It is horrifying to have no doubt of the damage that I could inflict if I take one step over that line. Turning it inward isn't ideal but right now it is better than the alternative.

"Anyone who's been abused faces the temptation to be like their own abuser, who set the example not to follow" wrote Multi.

I thought it was just me, lol. So this is common?

Even then, I sort of... grew out of it. over time. I'm not the same person anymore (like my mother was). How odd, so other people go through this too...

Thanks for posting, Cecil. It brought it to my attention.

At first I didn't understand what you meant by "punisher". Perhaps avenger?

I refer to her as "Punisher because she ends up punishing me for being a useless, fat , ugly piece of crap but she starts out wanting to punish others that I perceive to be hurting me in some way or just annoying me. It doesn't have to be directed towards someone who actually "deserves" it. Some person accidently cuts me off in traffic...I hunt them down...follow them ...all the time thinking about how I will run them over when they get out of their car to confront me. I do manage to stop myself but it's exhausting and scary.

I just did it like my mother: passive-aggressively.
Ever so slowly, I began to notice... OMG... I am turning INTO my mother! YIKES!! NOOOOOO! This must stop!

I think that once I read about cutting up animals in your original post I had forgotten/was unable to comprehend what you had written prior to that. That freaked me right out.

My abuser did bad things to animals. My animals get snuggled. If I am really annoyed by my cat Zoey I kiss her on the head effectively giving her human cooties. She hates human cooties.

I think I could more easily hurt a human than I could an animal.