Awwww Muji it's not your fault your marriage went tits up mate, that's on your wife's shoulders, not yours. Don't feel bad about it. Go ahead and perform the marriage ceremony with a clear conscience my friend. best and (((hugs))) love Manda xx

Secret? I cannot imagine you withholding that information from them. Did you?

Sure hope you can forgive yourself for the less than perfect truth, muji. We certainly have. I suspect the couple you are serving can, too. May your blessing help them overcome their shared obstacles.

P.S. The minister who performed my wedding served the Titty Bar scene. What was that Jesus told the Pharisees about serving where the need is greatest?

We can only be the best *we* can be in a relationship, and that's how I'm trying to learn to define success in a PTSD-defined world.... So as you join that couple, remember that the person joining them has entered into that same state with a clear heart and conscience, and there's no shame attached on how the marriage ended, only to your ex's behavior. OK?
Purrs of puma support!

Marriage takes 2.
I wanted to fix my marriage. My ex SAID she did, but she was actually not putting actions behind her words.
...She had really just wanted to extend things out for a free place to live. Funny, because I let her stay here until she got her crap together after the divorce.
... ex was asexual, more or less, and still does not admit that to herself, I don't think.

You wanted a great marriage and you were willing to work on getting that. Your ex was not on board.

People project their own problems onto others, then blame those others. Easier than owning their problems? But SO much less empowering.

It was your wife's dirty secret, not yours.

It seems to me like you harbor guilt for doing what you think may be some type of hypocritical deed by perpetuating some type of sham because your wife crapped all over a holy institution.

I think you are doing a beautiful thing- giving two people the opportunity to live a life with blessings and meaning. But they have the free will to F it up. That's on them. Not you! : )

Hugs.

I could not imagine what you were about to share before I read your post. I like so many here do not believe it was your secret and I'm also sure you shared that with them.
You will be okay and you will be blessing their marriage not what each of them does in their marriage. Only they are responsible for that.
Bless away my friend.

Big hug for you muji.... Feeling joy and wanting to help this couple join in Holy Matrimony is in no way a failure because you wife made a choice to cheat on you my friend.. Nor is the demise of your marriage any of their business... It's just not!!

I'm sorry that this has brought up painful memories for you... I'm also from a broken marriage and it is what it is...I'm at peace now

I don't think the joy and pleasure of bringing others together before God should make you ill at ease... I hope that this feeling will soon pass....xo

Thank you for giving me a safe space here where I could speak my feelings of shame for failing in the marriage department. Yeah, it wasn't my dirty secret, you're right, as I was the faithful partner in the marriage. There's something about some of us who grew up in abuse, though, that feels shame for things we didn't do. Even shame for things done to us as innocents.

It's like the saying about "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." For me it was "better to have trusted and been betrayed than never to have trusted at all." Because the way I was raised I trusted nothing and no one until then, like some others of us here.

Yeah, I told the couple whose wedding I officiated tonight about my own story when they came to me to do their wedding. Heck, I referred them to another minister I know. But they wanted me. Tonight's ceremony turned out beautifully and showed they knew me better than I knew myself when it came to weddings. Rather than feel ashamed, I had a ball. The best part was the point in the ceremony when I got to bless them. I loved putting my hand over each of their heads and pronouncing my blessing upon them. I just love blessing stuff, what can I say? It's fun.

It was a fun reception, too. Thanks for making that possible by letting me vent my doubts about myself here. I was then able to trust to leave them here and go act with more confidence in the world. Over and over that's how DS PTSD support from here helps me trust that I can be a better Muji out there.

We had a wonderful 9 years of marriage. And out f the blue, it was as if I was afflicted with the plague. She could not make eye contact with me. She would come home with her coat on and her purse on her arm reaching for the coffee pot to make coffee for the next day and go straight to bed. She went to work one hour earlier and got home one hour later. She was like a skeleton walking in the door. Prior to these things, I was madly in love. After these things, it was over. I have far too much respect for myself to allow someone to treat me like this. We still talk or text one another once a week. No hard feelings, I forgive her. Up until as little as 2 weeks ago, I considered the two of us friends. We are not friends, we are friendly and cordial to one-another. My threshold for a friend is pretty high. I hope the ceremony went well for both yourself and the couple my friend.

Hello friends, I am new to this group and recently discovered I've been suffering C-PTSD flashbacks my entire adult life.

Now that I've introduced myself, I'd like to respond to Muji's post.

Muji's, I can relate -- I had what I thought was a happy marriage for 11 years when I discovered that my ex-husband had been stealing from me our entire marriage. There were other things, too, but the various betrayals were the worst things to grapple with.

So how does this happen? I've learned that when we've had a painful childhood, we're prone to repetition compulsion, meaning we repeat the same dysfunctional dynamic from our childhood in our adult relationships. The other thing that can happen is that we're so hungry for genuine love and support, we are often unable to see when we're getting involved with someone who isn't genuinely loving.

It sounds like that may have happened with your ex. And when she was discovered, it sounds like she flew into a rage and continued abusive practices, so it's entirely possible that she is a narcissist. I mention this because once I learned about NPD, I was able to stop the cycle of repetition compulsion with narcissistic partners. They can be very charming, especially at the beginning, so once we discover their true natures, it can be shocking.

The other thing I'll add is that I have a special place in my heart for ministers and those in spirituality- and health-related professions who are not afraid to show their own vulnerability. The reverend at my church sometimes cries when he's moved by the choir's performance or even during his own sermons, and I love him for this because he is so genuine.

You may feel pressured to appear is if you are the proverbial pillar of strength, but when you show vulnerability, you allow other people to get in touch with that part of themselves, and it is a tremendous gift. The fact that you had a marriage that did not work out does not mean you have a dirty secret - it means that you are human, and it is perfectly okay to show this side of yourself. For those who have a gentle heart, it is ultimately their imperfections that make them lovable, though it takes time to become comfortable with this idea, especially if we were discouraged from showing our true feelings during childhood.

Best wishes to you, Muji, and to the happy couple as they begin their life together.

Wow, Aurora, thanks for taking the time to post as you did. What you said was so helpful to me that I cut and pasted your post into my own personal offline diary.

First off, you summarized very succinctly what it took years for me to process in my therapist's office as to how my marriage ended that way. We came to the conclusion you mentioned: it was a mix of one part repetition compulsion and one part just being so hungry for love and support as to overlook important signs of trouble in a relationship. When it boiled down to those 2 factors in talking to my therapist, I was embarrassed. I'd like to be more sophisticated, complex, and unique, but that does sum it up. Pure and simple

What amazed me when I accepted the 2-part facts of the equation was that the marriage worked for me for 10 years. It really did. Something that went along with my being so hungry for love and support was that it didn't take a lot of love or a lot of support to make me really, genuinely happy. I guess in a backwards way that can be a blessing from growing up in trauma. I don't make high demands of the world. A little bit of kindness goes a long way with me.

Anyway, I loved how you said that your minister sometimes cries at the beauty of the choir's singing. Ha! Just yesterday in teaching my nursing class I cried at the happy memory of a patient I had as a hospital chaplain. Not outright sobbing, but I did have tears come to my eyes. I was explaining to the class what it looks like when nurses treat a dying patient well. I told them a war story from 2009 when a male nurse working alongside me actually got on his knees and held the hand of my dying patient in the patient's last moments. It was such a loving memory that tears came to me just in my re-telling it.

Thanks for saying that's ok. I don't want to do that all the time, mind you, but on rare occasion it can have its place. Like it's ok that after officiating at the wedding last night, I had a ball at the reception, too. Thanks for your kindness in validating all of that, Aurora.

Glad it went well, Muji, and good for you!

The one thing that helped me not do repetition in relationships was AlAnon. I was young and I made a conscious effort to look at anything resembling my dad, and to pull away. I knew that type of "love" was at best a few crumbs, an dI wanted the whole loaf, da*n it! Which got me in trouble the other way, because of course I still remain uncertain I deserve even half a loaf... My dad being a narcissist (as I've learned from describing him in therapy and here) meant anyone trying to charm me was already making a *big* mistake. Odd how these things play out for each of us.

Enjoy the weekend, Muji! Peace and rest to you:-)

Thanks, Leo. You know, as often as Alanon shows up here, some day we might want to have a thread about how Alanon offers support beyond just supporting families and friends of alcoholics. I don't know if it's legit or not, but it does.

Have a great weekend, too, and so glad you went to the Farmers' Market!