I have no contact with my family of origin. They have a PO Box they can write to, and an e-mail that they can write to, but they don't any more. Unless I make contact, they don't try anymore. I have peace now.

Don't take it, Kat. Just let it circle and reveal what you need to see. Wait patiently for the season to morph into the coming season.

You have chosen an excellent passage for the meditation.

Heal well.

Hi Kat-

Okay - forgive me for not understanding, is your brother harming you? Can you help fill in the blanks for me? What happened?

S

I am sorry that your brother did this. It is sad when folks don't reach their emotional potential. What you can do is wish them well or pray for them if you are religious.

There is a lady who lived with us when my mom got sick from Parkinson's. She had nowhere else to go but remembered her finer upbringing. She would be rude to us about our house.

I have not seen that lady for some time but I try to wish her well and I hope that she is okay whereever she is. I don't want to ever see her again, but I understand her feelings of emptiness and her pain. Just like the main character in "The Devil Wears Prada" she cannot help how she is and cannot see beyond her own reality.

You could, if you wanted, write a note and say "I wish you all well but the family is unforgiving and toxic and I just cannot deal with that. I sincereley hope that you can learn to be happy and accept others. I love you but I have to live my own life. My life is mine.

Good luck and best wishes,

Your name here.

________________________________

Super hugs from the deep south,

4My

I would not accept any blocked number calls. Protect yourself. Many abusers express intense remorse until they have their victim sucked back in and inevitably the cycle begins to repeat.

You deserve a season to heal, a season to continue to move away from the harm that you experienced. Don't be manipulated back in.

Just my take on it.

Thank you guys for writing. All of u have something I can relate to and makes me feel less lonely.

Luzi: My sister and I have had a rocky relationship lately. Communication and time is difficult. This thought you wrote brings into mind my sister's relationship with the fam. She calls once in a while.

I don't know how ppl can live like that. I personally don't know how to live with my own family and even if I remove myself from home for a couple of days, they don't really call me. My isolation and distrust from family has made openness difficult with my family, esp. mom. Ugh... :/ My sister is the same way. It works for her. Now, maybe not for me.

Arfie, thanks for your advice. I'm considerate of separating and not taking shit(excuse me) from him. U have no idea how much I have taken in and being home is a norm, though realistically unhealthy and addictive. I don't know how much I have taken and to take more would be unfair and cruel punishment. God's vision of seasons has distorted my life. I will wait for things to unravel its true color.

S: you have my response.

4myson, comfort is what you brought to mind with these words. It's sad to see how ignorance and superficiality covers our minds for what wrongs were committed. Sorry for the old lady. That would be a great step to take but I don't know if this would be the right step to take now. Its not enough for them. thanks you for the hugs.

Letitbe, thank you. I agree with you. My mom's home number is the only private number I receive. I would need to speak to my mom about that.

Back to the suction of abuse, i agree with your pov. This is evident with my own brother. I went back home yesterday for the night and when he saw me, he just stared and i heard his breath: sounded like disappointment. He even said hi a while later and i just said, hi ray. I am fed up with his bullshit lies and apologies. U make good valid points here. Remorse follows repeats.

I deserve to live a life that is my own and without remorse or guilt for my actions, even if they seem obnoxious in the eyes of my own blood family and friends. Thank you.

I love you guys and that's for real.

Do what's best for you, FindingKat. You. You're the only one who really knows what you need. If you need space, that's it, then. Whether that's understood or not is a separate matter. From 1992 to 2000 I had zero family contact, and got pretty well.

Well enough that I tried to be involved in family again, but since they have PTSD but go untreated, after a few years what happened in 1992 happened again. My poor father had another one of his 3 days unprovoked untreated PTSD rages and finally just punched me in the face at Christmas. And me over 50 years old now. This started when I was 9 years old.

So I let go and have no contact again now. I'm here getting well again, taking care of myself again. I, too, get these manipulative attempts at unwelcome contact on my work phone, but I don't respond. They know I went without them for 8 years once, and they know I mean it now.

Cherish yourself and whatever you need to have peace.

Hello Kat,

I have been in similar situations with my family. At one point in my life, my father and I got to the point that no matter what I did.. it wasn't good enough. I could clean the entire house, dust the doors, wash the windows, etc and when he got home he'd go off about how I left a salt shaker in the livingroom when I took a break from cleaning.

When I hit 18 years old, I made the effort to go to therapy. I had PTSD and any loud male voice would send me into a panic attack. There was more to the PTSD than my father, some sexual abuse outside the family and other things I prefer not to go into, but I did learn in therapy to forgive him, but not to ever put my safety into his hands again.

Your situation reminds me of the final blow-out I had with my father where I stood up to him and called him every name in the book.. and his your in my house you'll abide by my rules statement made me tell him to fuck off... and I moved into my bookstore.

One thing to remember, forgiving someone doesn't mean forgetting what they did.. nor does it mean putting yourself into a situation that can allow it to happen again. I have moved past this, and can actually enjoy spending time with my father now that I am quite a bit older than I was. I spent many years only calling on the phone... and if it got abusive, hanging up on them. Don't get me wrong, the forgiving didn't come quickly. It took years of therapy for me... and me approaching his mother and asking about his childhood before I could even understand where he learned to be so hateful from before I could even carry on a civil conversation.

It sounds like your mother may be in a similar situation with you that mine was. My mother begged me to move back home. I told her flat out.. are you going to guarantee me that he won't try to use me as his emotional punching bag?.. I didn't think so. I did eventually move in with my grandparents for a while and my mother asked me to stop telling them what my father had done... because they refused to speak to him after they found out.. for 2 years...

The only suggestion I can give to you is to stand your ground. If you are out from under that situation, stay away. You can keep in contact via phone with those you wish to talk to... you can make arrangements to meet with just your mother if she is non-abusive... but definitely limit your contact to any of the abusive members. If they call, and start in on you.. hang up. If they show up at your door, close it and lock it.

The most important thing for a survivor of abuse to do for themselves is to set boundaries and keep them. For each abuse that occurred in your life, a part of you broke off from your normal self and is stuck in that time. This is just an easy way of identifying the "children" you have inside that need protection. As you consistently keep the kids safe, the stronger your trust in yourself will be to protect yourself from abuse.

I hope some of this rings a bell for you and helps in some way.

Keep up the good work.

~ Wolfie

Thank you, Wolfie. Ur situation is very similar to mine. I can think about how related my mom is to your dad- uneasily pleased, criticizer, and emotionally unsensitive. She told me once that she has become a rock who doesnt feel anything; as a rock, you are numb. It explains a lot.

Forgiveness is a disturbing topic as it has come up lately. I just know things won't be the same for a while. U were courageous to take that step and take therapy...

My mom can't guarantee my safety. Nothing at all. I am their emotional punching bag. Boundaries, what boundaries? They're non-existent, even if I try and make my own. Everytime I have tried to do something for me, it's not enough.

"For each abuse that occurred in your life, a part of you broke off from your normal self and is stuck in that time." --> Right!

Hi. I know that families are different, but in my case I decided to walk away from most of my family. The family members I still talk to have been through hell with them too, and they are on the same page with me about refusing to join them in their misery and madness.

It's difficult, hard and there are a lot of feelings of "Why couldn't I have a better/supportive family?" but in the end it was a great decision to disappear those people from my life.

The fact that he just says "you need to come home" doesn't seem like a legitimate interest in your feelings or well being. That sounds more about them. I may be wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me.