Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms here at DS PTSD, and good wishes to all of the sons and daughters here who will be celebrating the day with their moms tomorrow.

In no way do I post tonight on Mother's Day eve to put a damper on tomorrow's celebrations.  However, I thought perhaps there might be room for other feelings the day triggers in some of us.

I treasure the fact that DS PTSD is the first forum in which I've been invited to be honest about that fact.  Though I loved my mom very much, her mental illness kept her from being capable of loving me back. 

TW

It began when my mom came home from the hospital after my little sister was born.  I was 4 years old.  My mom felt overwhelmed, so as soon as she got out of our car in our driveway, she killed our family's pet kitten.  It was her way of serving notice that she could only nurture so many members of our household.  So my PTSD began, the "Complex" kind I know some others here have, too, the kind that is acquired over years ot trauma during brain development in childhood-CPTSD.

http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Over the years, she got worse with time.  When I was 9 years old, I broke my leg at summer camp but lied to the camp counselors when they tried to call home to notify my parents.  I said that they were out of the country and couldn't be reached.  I couldn't reach out to my mom for nurture.  In fact, I feared what would happen when my mom found out.  I was right; she punished me.

It all took its worst turn when I was 12 and I told her 4 elementary school kids and I had been molested when I was 10.  Weekly beatings began to "make me a man" that didn't stop until I left home in December to escape 4 months shy of final high school exams when I was 17.

Summers I didn't go home like other college kids did, and when I did go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving mom served up more abuse.  So eventually, I had to face the fact that I just never was going to have a mom like the kind of mother other people celebrated on Mother's Day.

Someone here suggested that it was ok for me to grieve never having had the mom I had hoped for.  It makes sense.  She couldn't help being mentally ill.  I like how the idea puts grieving that person I never had above just blaming the person I did have. 

Anyway, again--happy mother's day to all DS PTSD moms.  To all sons and daughters who celebrate tomorrow, may your day be filled with joy.  I mean no sarcasm in saying that whatsoever, truly. 

On the other hand, I hope it's ok if my PTSD grief can be included in the day as well.  I know I would have been an awesome son to a mom capable of reciprocating in a healthy manner.