Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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mujicaptsd 05/12/2018

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms here at DS PTSD, and good wishes to all of the sons and daughters here who will be celebrating the day with their moms tomorrow.

In no way do I post tonight on Mother's Day eve to put a damper on tomorrow's celebrations. However, I thought perhaps there might be room for other feelings the day triggers in some of us.

I treasure the fact that DS PTSD is the first forum in which I've been invited to be honest about that fact. Though I loved my mom very much, her mental illness kept her from being capable of loving me back.

It began when my mom came home from the hospital after my little sister was born. I was 4 years old. My mom felt overwhelmed, so as soon as she got out of our car in our driveway, she killed our family's pet kitten. It was her way of serving notice that she could only nurture so many members of our household. So my PTSD began, the "Complex" kind I know some others here have, too, the kind that is acquired over years ot trauma during brain development in childhood-CPTSD.

http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Over the years, she got worse with time. When I was 9 years old, I broke my leg at summer camp but lied to the camp counselors when they tried to call home to notify my parents. I said that they were out of the country and couldn't be reached. I couldn't reach out to my mom for nurture. In fact, I feared what would happen when my mom found out. I was right; she punished me.

It all took its worst turn when I was 12 and I told her 4 elementary school kids and I had been molested when I was 10. Weekly beatings began to "make me a man" that didn't stop until I left home in December to escape 4 months shy of final high school exams when I was 17.

Summers I didn't go home like other college kids did, and when I did go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving mom served up more abuse. So eventually, I had to face the fact that I just never was going to have a mom like the kind of mother other people celebrated on Mother's Day.

Someone here suggested that it was ok for me to grieve never having had the mom I had hoped for. It makes sense. She couldn't help being mentally ill. I like how the idea puts grieving that person I never had above just blaming the person I did have.

Anyway, again--happy mother's day to all DS PTSD moms. To all sons and daughters who celebrate tomorrow, may your day be filled with joy. I mean no sarcasm in saying that whatsoever, truly.

On the other hand, I hope it's ok if my PTSD grief can be included in the day as well. I know I would have been an awesome son to a mom capable of reciprocating in a healthy manner.

MammaBear02 05/13/2018

I didn’t know how to say this. I posted my own Happy Mothers Day post but left out this sort of message because I was afraid to offend but my mother hurt me deeply as well. She knew what was going on. Sometimes she saw what happened and didn’t intervene. She ignored signs and treated me like all of it was my fault, as if I wasn’t walking on eggshells. She has unrealistic expectations of me as her daughter and this last year it’s become real to me that I can stop trying to meet them. I planned on having the day at home to myself and my own family tomorrow and I’m so glad I did. We celebrated today and our relationship is just so surface deep. It really makes my heart ache. It feels like the elephant between us just gets bigger and bigger over time. When I have tried addressing it she and Dad both stonewall. I remember being on the phone with them both wondering if they hung up and went in with their day without discussing our conversation at all - after telling them I’d been i. The hospital and an intensive outpatient treatment program after a suicide attempt. That’s the last time I tried addressing anything. Dad respects all my boundaries. Mom picks and chooses. My relationship with Dad is even more distant but at least he respects boundaries and doesn’t make me feel guilty for “ruining the family” or the holidays or whatever it is that I’ve ruinned. One thing she said last year that I will never forget is that she’s really impressed with my ability to stand up for myself (to people like Comcast and BCBS who constant make mistakes and try to get me to pay for them). What a huge complement considering the many times I have failed to stand up to her. I’m sorry for what you’ve experienced but so very thankful that you’re a part of this community. Your posts and your drive encourages me.

patti22 05/13/2018

I remember being something like 10 years old and being accused of staying home to "play sick" and not go to school.

I remember just standing there frozen...and trying to wrap my head the idea that someone would WANT to stay home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9jWyVKPJ70&t=609s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpHiFqXCYKc&t=2661s

run2bfree 05/13/2018

To all those shitty Mom's...hope you fall into the toilet bowl!!

run2bfree 05/13/2018

meaning my Mom too. Sometimes in life we get a second chance. I have an awful Mom and I don't even have anything to say about it as it is all negative. However, I got a second chance by being a Mom! So I got flowers, a card, and a lovely dinner out with my son, I got a instagram message from my daughter from Thailand saying she will visit me later this week when she gets home for a mothers day celebration. My Mom did not do it right, I made a real effort to be a supportive, kind and responsible loving Mom with my kids

Kate1976 05/13/2018

Very nice post Muji. I definitely feel the conflict in a similar situation with my mother. I understand her childhood was horrific and she had mental health issues as a result. It still doesn’t lessen what happened to me. I am working on the mourning because one of my most vivid memories as a kid was repeatedly getting smacked across the face for crying. Still, I feel an obligation to call her. I believe she is trying and actually sent me a card this year. I was able to find one for her that was funny and avoided the your the best mom ever stuff. I can’t live that lie anymore.

silverlight 05/13/2018

My mother & i do basically ok if we stick to superficial subjects,and i moved away from "Home" at age 19 to across the country to escape my brother mostly,but her to a great degree....

At times,i make mistakes-awhile ago i mentioned my PTSD,and she said,"Well does that have anything to do with the way you were raised?"
Uh....how am i supposed to answer that? And why would she even ask?

Sometimes she will still cross my boundaries and mention my brothers,she just doesn't get it...

i *will* call her today,my brothers probably won't,and i know how much that hurts her.....

.....i am struggling today as well,with the fact that i never had children.
And i never will now.

Leo 05/13/2018

Hugs to all. That's all I got. Sorry.

mujicaptsd 05/13/2018

Thanks for understanding my mixed feelings on Mother's Day here, and relating and sharing your feelings and stories as well. I appreciate it so much. Having a safe space in which to talk about my mixed feelings about my mother means a lot to me. I would even say it has been the biggest breakthrough in my recovery since coming to DS PTSD. I'm very grateful to one and all.

SunCloudJD 05/13/2018

Gentle hug for all of those who have been so badly hurt by the person who should have loved you.... This is so sad...... More hugs.....xoxo

SimpsonsOK 05/13/2018

Muji, I can so relate to your mother connection. It took decades to get to that place of accepting that I didn't know why she did what she did other than I had not had her childhood. It was more baffling as she treated my 3 siblings so differently than she did me. I was always her target. Ironically, I was the one who became her primary caretaker during the last year of her life. I will now move on to my to do list for today. That has become the best way for me to deal with various holidays. Healing and comforting hugs to all that could use them today.

BlueSky 05/13/2018

Thank you for sharing, Muji, I did not have a healthy (normal) relationship with my mother either. Till this day, the roles are still a bit reversed where I feel I'm responsible for her and not the other way around.

fireflywing 05/13/2018

Hugs Muji

KneeDeep 05/13/2018

I am glad that you shared here muji.
cleansing wounds of a abusive parent/mom is painful and hard.
I hope your day is a quiet but good one and that you continue to nurture
yourself as you do others . Hugs

looney1 05/14/2018

Oh Muji I still marvel you turned out so well.
My parents hated me for being born and my children hate me too. Only partly my failings because I married 2 psychopaths who were much better at manipulating truth and emotions than me.
You should feel glad you are not accepted by your family Muji. If you were it would mean you were one of them and you are so much better. Much love and support for you. X

looney1 05/14/2018

PS. I guess it's time for me to fall on the toilet bowl run2befree

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