I can sympathize with you. Look at the Discussion List and read the topic "Does Christ Help You?" There is a lot of good discussion there about this topic. I wish you much luck.

Sorry just read post Does Christ Help You? and realized my post might trigger some people. That is not my intention, again sorry if my post hurts someone!!. Sean

Hi Seanmarsh,

I can relate to what you wrote about. When I was five, I was molested by a good friend of my grandparents when we were visiting them in Missouri. He was a priesthood member of our church, and the adults had no idea he was a predator. He invited me to his home after church, and what happened next completely changed my life. I separated from my body and watched from the ceiling.

I have questioned God about why this had to happen to me. And I have found peace in knowing that for one thing, I hadn't deserved it and that people brutalizing other people is not God's will. And yet it happens. I think it happens because we as human beings are free to choose. With that choice comes the ability to truly learn to love, but also the ability to become a monster.

Some of the greatest people in history suffered the most, because the suffering carved into their souls. When they turned to God, the furrows were filled with wisdom, and eventually, joy. If you look at Christ's life, his life was one of sacrifice. He was killed for preaching God's love, contrary to the wishes of the powers that be. He was innocent of wrongdoing. And yet even death could not conquer Him.

When I think of the innocent child I was, and what happened to her, I know that God did not order the molester to do that. The man did it from his own warped free will. But God was with me. And has walked with me through my darkest times. Even when I wanted to die, and thought I was dirty and unlovable, there was a spark of God's love that wouldn't go out.

Now I am on the other side of the "walk through fire" and I see the gifts that every experience has given me. One of my life's purpose is to teach children, to empower them, so that they know they are precious, that they have a purpose. I have taken the horror of what happened to me, and have tried to bring joy to others. I would not be who I am if the things that happened to me were different. And now I truly love myself and I feel a sense of purpose.

There is a writing in the Bible, "All things come together for good for those that love God." It is a mystery, that while evil things happen, even to innocent children, that eventually even those things can bring us closer to our true selves.

I believe that there is a reckoning for those who choose to do evil, but the reckoning is with God. Whoever molested me is nameless in my mind. I can't remember his name. And he is probably already dead. But no one escapes the moment when we stand before God and give account for what we have done with what we have been given.

It is a question that I ponder often, and often have to come back to the same answer, after walking back through the dark. I love the idea of stars shining brighter in the dark. That's what God's light has become for me. A lamp shining in the dark.

God bless.