you have me remembering when i was gonna be like you when i grew up. no kids. no spouses. birth family a shadowy collection languishing in a long forgotten past. alas, god had other plans for me. as i process the hard nut of the launching of my second parenting career from the immaculate conception of triplets at age 65. . . baby sis was 8 months old when we buried her parents. . .

as i ply therapy tools to the assumption that i can know what god was thinking, i often wonder if the motive was to bless me with healing moments such as you describe here. perhaps even a bit more compassion for mentally ill parents who give their children complex ptsd? perhaps. . . maybe even the mentally ill parent who is typing this message while blessed with a second opportunity to pass on the family illness?

prayers ongoing for the 43 year old homeless crackhead who calls me, "toxic mom." while demanding that i place his adult palliative care over the welfare of his brother's 3 orphans.

I think that's why I am he way I am with kids and animals. I can't undo what was done to me, but maybe I can stop a little bit of bad for others.

Hugs

I hear ya, Overfloater. Same here.

arfie, thanks for such a KIND and THOROUGH reflection here. It really helped me sort through the blessing here and apply it to my recovery even more effectively than before. Prayers ARE ongoing for your son who calls you a "toxic mom" even as you, not he, work hard to raise his brother's 3 orphans. I've always admired how, though at a young age you planned to be single with no kids, you grew in ways I haven't and have a long marriage, had kids, and now grandkids. And BEES! Hey, how're the bees doing?

Leo, I know, you treat your cats and I treat my dog like they were our actual human babies.

Big hugs guys, I can relate to a lot of stuff here <3 <3 <3

Thanks, lilmiss, it means so much to me how you can relate, believe me. I had a good week with CKD pain in my legs, thankfully. I've had my jaw bone joint popping all week, though. I know you get what that's like, both physically and as a PTSD reminder from the body.

the bees have met the matrimonial divide, muji. they are hubby's bees and i maintain a safe social distance from HIS beekeeping. hubby still wants my assistance, but i still don't quite trust his division of duties where hubby executates and takes sole proprietorship while wifey does the heavy lifting without pestering him with messy details. we've come a long way on the childcare front, but ? ? ? i still don't have politically safe words for the rest of ^it^. the short, politically safe version is that i don't do bees any more.

here on the farm the running joke is that hubby does the bees, wifey does the birds. may the birds and bees never be separated.

That 'sounds' awful and so painful in so many ways Muji

I get that parents can do so much damage.... It happened to me as well.... As floater wrote 'it left scars on my soul'

My dad never liked me my whole life.... It affected so much of my life and how I felt about myself

I'm in my 60's now and still don't have any self esteem.... sigh.... It sux..... Big hug and a blessing.... xo

Though you and I both experienced it first hand, it's still odd to me that a parent can dislike their own child, SC. I have no kids, but when I get a chance to be close to a child and that child, as the Southern vernacular puts it, "takes a shine" to me my heart melts. Your dad and my mom really missed out.

arfie, I was confused as to whose bees they are. In a way I'm glad to hear they're actually your hubby's bees, because the parenting duties that have befallen you didn't require that the beekeeping be abandoned.

That birds and the bees joke was priceless, by the way. Ha!

Hugs