Sorry to hear about this. Its a bleak feeling isn't it when the people who are supposed to love and support you aren't there for you. I think it compounds the trauma and makes things harder to get over. The one thing you can do is try to work out what will help you build a better life for yourself. Is it an education, work, hobbies, therapy, yoga? The support here is amazing, I hope you'll keep coming here while you work it out. Good luck.

I shoot to treat processing the traumas and the emotions, etc. attached separately from their side effects within my life. The two together are typically more than I can process in a single sitting. Yea, I know the two are connected, but I find them easier to deal with separately. Obsessing over what someone was unable to do for me is counterproductive in trying to move the relationship forward.

That's my goal. Some days I feel closer to achieving it than other days.

Continued support while you sort your own, Posit. It is good to see you back.

Thank you Looney1 and Arfie for your good luck wish and support. I can't simply ignore what happened and connect with the close members of my family. It seems I got retraumatized all of those years while they all continued with their lives..... and that made it much more difficult to overcome this trauma. They have their families and their kids with successful lives.... I think I didn't matter to them and if I don't matter to my family, to whom?....

Nice to see you again Arfie :)

Yes, it makes it harder to overcome it Looney when our families are not there for us when we most need it.

I was sexually assaulted by a pedophile when I was 11, and told my mother the next year when I was 12. Big mistake, since she began to beat me rather than supporting me. She blamed me, something proven wrong when I found out that the same pedophile had sexually assaulted 3 other kids along with me in our same elementary school.

In a way, my mother's response may have been just as traumatizing an assault as the original sexual assault. It never stopped in the home, so I left home for college early when I was 17. Then it still never stopped throughout her life in my adulthood.

You're right, it does make it harder when our families are not there for us, that's for sure.

I hear you on all those matters. I was molested by a family friend from when I was 5-10 and when I told my mom she didn’t believe me until she caught him herself then I had to go through counseling but he got to still come around. You know what helped me get through this this man cane to my moms funeral and he was old and sick and dying and I knew I still had a life to live and I wasn’t going to let him break me. I no longer blame the molestation on how my life turned out. He took my innocence, my trust and Blaming them gives them the power and that is one thing he can’t have!!!

Radical acceptance of other people's limitations was a major breakthrough in my personal psychotherapy. It makes it possible to find people who CAN help instead of agonizing over what *Ought* to be.

Turns out I was looking for help in all the wrong places while I was lost in oughts. Healing has been allot easier since I learned which doors to knock on.

But that is me. . .

Continued support while you sort your own.

PO, as you were abandoned by the family that you counted on, that added a whole new area of trauma. Looks like you have huge losses to grieve. Often, the past comes up as we are ready and able to work our way through it. One issue at a time. Took a very long time to accept that my mother did the best she could, even though it was not good enough. Supportive and comforting hugs as you continue your journey.

Thank you Muji, Dzigner, Arfie and SimpsonsOK for your support and for sharing your points of view and experiences. That sounds a very tough experience Muji to deal with. My mother also told me I was guilty of the sexual exploitation and that made things more difficult to understand and deal with.

Dzigner, I am starting to shift my emotions about the abuse and not to keep in the anger mode at the abuser. We cannot let them win and not let them steal more of us by giving them the power and to see us hurting and in pain. We have the power now to heal and create the lives we want to have

Arfie, I like this suggestion of Radical acceptance. I need to practice more of it. I agree with that point of knocking the right doors of the right people who can help me. I never could find appropriate help in the place I live and it all started to improve when I searched other persons to help me heal in a distant way.

Yes SimpsonOK. I have huge losses to still grieve and a lot of anger still to work on. My anger is still unmeasurable. I can't recognize myself when I express it. I guess you are right. This issue of my family not helping me after the rape is coming back again. I thought I overcame it, but it came back and it is very painful..... and we have to deal with all those losses which is so big. I was treated quite bad in my country by therapists and other "healing professionals" I will have to work on this too to recover....

Hi there,

What happened to you was terrible but not having your family there to support you and help you get through the hurt and pain can make things feel even worst. I love my family but there are things they don't know has happened to me as a little girl that I don't know if I will ever share with them. The abuser died years ago and so I really don't feel the need to share anything with them. I instead boast in the fact I never have to see that person ever again in my life but when his name comes up, I can't really share in other people's excitement. Should I air his dirty little secrets to his family? I don't know what their reactions would be and at this point in my life, I don't want to be the one responsible for ruining their image of this man. I have dealt with my pain, I have forgiven him, and I have obtained the support of some of my friends and one of my sisters who is the only one in the family that I've told. Support doesn't have to only come from our family. I love them and at times I do need their love in return and support but I also have learned how to move forward when I can't or don't get it. You can get through this with and without the support from your family. You can reach out to friends, you can get professional help, and of course, you can keep sharing with us.

I feel like validation from my parents and siblings of my rapes is a huge factor in why I dont trust that they love me. There are other factors but that one was a pivotal moment in when things blew up between us.

I get that it's a difficult topic and I didnt want to discuss it much but a hug and a "you didn't deserve that" would of went a long way. I didnt recieve that and I'm no longer making excuses for their shitty behaviours. It was difficult for me to see my kids get hurt but I didnt hide and ignore it, I stepped up as their parent and did everything I could to help and get them the help possible. That's just what parents are supposed to do.

So I've accepted their limitations but I realize it's a hard no now when it comes to needing them for anything as far as emotional support.

The sting is there but it hurt a little less once I accepted that they are incapable of being what I needed at that time. I need process the rapes from a different angle. One that doesnt involve them because I realize their lack of involvement was a crutch I used so I could focus on them instead of the actual event. Not out of the woods yet but the old way wasnt working so I'm trying this.