To me, the more we worship success...the less we leave room for human imperfections.

I feel like I've struck gold with my flawed, imperfect, non-bed making, sometimes swearing, oh so loving teens. I adore them.

My mother...oh she missed out of so very much. She never once admitted to herself that she left her daughter suicidal. How could she. She spoke out of both sides of her mouth saying that I needed to care about her feelings, and that I too should stay quiet to the neighbors, while she humiliated me constantly.

She'll just never know "what could have been". And that's the thing with those that dismissed you...they'll never know "what could have been"...what a good friend you'd have been.

I don't know if I made sense. Heartfelt hugs, Patti

gentle hugs - something that has always helped me accept where I am, no matter how frustrated, is staying present, and doing some light meditation. Focusing on my breath takes the focus offing frustration I have about slow progress. I always just feel lighter after. It is also important to know time is always moving and how you feel now may not be how you feel tomorrow. Time heals <3

I'm glad to hear you say, "I am just starting to lose the guilt" over things from childhood and your teen years. You're totally right about how we push things down as kids only to have to find a way to process them as adults.

As an adult, I went through 8 years of therapy without contact with my family of origin that abused me. Then I went back with my therapy questions to be back in contact for 10 years to see if I could get some answers. I was abused again at the end of those 10 years, and stopped having contact because of that. I'd had all the answers I'd ever get, and there was more abuse than answers coming so it was time to stop.

As you put it so well, you wrote "1, they aren't welcome around me anymore and 2, they are incapable of being honest to themselves let alone me."

That's true of my abuser family of origin, so I think it might be rather universal. We have to protect ourselves in number 1 as you said, and we are the only ones capable of being honest to ourselves and others in number 2.

So feel free to use this protected safe space to be honest to yourself and to us as you figure things out. I'm doing the same for myself long with you.

I doesn't know, but I does believe that children and teenagers are every bit as unique and diverse as the adults they grow into. I went through my childhood trauma with 10 siblings. No two of us processed our shared traumas the same. Just just-a-patient opining. . .

I'm impressed with all the insights to your own strictly personals in this post, Jenn. Way to sort through the muck and mire. It's a dirty job, but clean bowels are worth the effort of the detox.

Continued support while you sort.

gentle hugs, Jenn you've gotten to the heart of the matter, maybe.

you have YOU and you have us to back you up. YOU are pretty awesome to have : )

Patti, I'm the same way with my teenage boys, smelly rooms (and bodies sometimes lol) and all. Either I'm really bless and lucked out or kids aren't as bad as my mother said we were.

Same thing happened with me too regarding suicide attempts (or cry outs because most were), not coming to see me in hospital after a real attempt. Not getting me medical attention after being told by sibling that I was anorexic bullemic, even tho my skin and bones was evidence enough.

What has reinforced her lack of concern for me was her jumping on a plane when her best friends daughter was suicidal yet less than a year before that I was getting my stomach pumped and when she was informed, she went back to sleep....less than 20 mins from the hospital.

What she missed out on was I was her biggest supporter, if someone did her wrong I was the mouthy Chihuahua sticking up for her. I now realize people merely spoke the truth she couldn't handle so she'd run to me with her fragile ego and I know for a fact now she changed the story to make her the victim in every single situation. Stupid me.

Swimback, you aren't the first person in less than 24 hours to remind me how important it is to meditate. I never regret how I feel after meditation yet put it off like the plague lol. Going to show some self care and just do it...what's 10 mins out of an entire day right?

Muji, can't judge you for going back, I did it too after my first try at walking away. Felt the distance made me feel better so maybe was safe to say the same for them. That was a hard no that led me right back here too. They didn't miss me, they missed having the "family problem" to dump all their flaws on so it was easier to remain abusive instead of shaking things up a bit.

I hope like me you forgive yourself for trying again because I think we all have unique reasons for doing so. The point is you finally found your worth and are able to validate yourself now and keep safe because you deserve it.

Arfie thank you for recognizing I'm being insightful because I really do struggle with what I've been told I am and recognizing I'm on a healthy path. It's easy for guilt and dutifulness to creep in and tell me I'm stupid for thinking about the past.

I totally agree that every single person involved has their own perception of events. The cunning truth is every single kid that was abused was done in different degrees to help the abusers maintain control over relationships between siblings. Hate to admit it but my mom loved making me the spoiled princess and my siblings third class citizens and my sibs hated and still hate me for it to this day. The sad part is they're still vying for her appreciation while this princess still wears her crown waving good bye lol.

Thanks guys

Thank you Lily, I think you hit the nail on the head, got to the heart of it and now it's time to figur3 out what to do with it. Thanks for saying I have you guys, you have me too. You guys rock!

I fanatically protected my mothers feelings too.

All the while she was telling me how my 4th grade teacher told her that I was going to hell. I was hearing what that teacher said up to and including the last conversation I ever had with my mother. Joy (sarc)