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i've been triggering like a kid with a cap gun lately. i'm spending at least as much time lost in flashbacks as i am spending in the here and now. my own flashbacks tend to daisy chain. i can go from a garden bed to academic debates to family dysfunction to trauma in foreign countries to . . . to . . . to . . . ya know, ya know. . . the four f's in progress. . . which f shall i use today? freeze? flight? fight? fawning? i've been waffling somewhere between "fight" and "fawn." sigh. . . why can't i be normal?
today's read from "meditations for people who worry" is resonating for me. thought i'd give the meditation the extra affirmation of typing out to share here. i find typing to be a very meditative activity when my hands aren't hurting too badly. so far, i'm having a good hand day.
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taking responsibility
i enjoy my wrinkles and regard them of badges of distinction. i've worked hard for them! ~maggie kuhn
maggie kuhn was an interesting and challenging woman. she always was a study in contrasts and surprises.when i knew her, she looked like a petite, delicate cameo, and she was one of the most radical people i have ever met. the maggie i knew always took responsibility for her life.
taking responsibility for our lives is not easy in this culture. we are trained to be victims. at some very subtle level, no matter how we have turned out, it is someone else's fault --parents, of course, are always a good focus, and teachers, relatives, school, the church, and the world in general get their share of the blame, too.
it's important to remember that we cannot help what has happened to us, and many of us have had bad to horrible experiences. if we want to spend our lives focusing on others and what they have done to us, we can look forward to a miserable life. whatever has happened to us is our experience. our experiences are the raw materials out of which we can shape a life. what we build with them is up to us.
when we recognize that we have worked hard for who we are --wrinkles and all-- we are on the road to being who we can be.
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she speaks of maggie kuhn as a name we should recognize. i didn't, so i looked her up. thought i'd share what i found.
https://www.womenofthehall.org/inductee/maggie-kuhn/
just sharing. . .
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
what's gender got to do with it? you should hear my 5 brothers defer responsibility. then we get to all the folks who are "just doing their jobs." it's not my fault that stupid kid (etc.) got in the way of progress.