There is FINALLY visible progress on that father fucking Breach of Contract pile. I was barely able to whip myself out of my isolation chamber for church yesterday morning. I arrived late and my "usual" seat behind K and her family's usual seat was taken. For my wandering nature, "usual" seats have to be forced on me, unless I have taken a liking to a user of usual seats. I confess to having felt an urge to dethrone the elderly gentleman who was in the seat behind K and her family, but I kept my feral tactics in check and found another seat. I have never understood the Townie custom of selecting a seat on the first day of class, or whatever, and never deviating. I am even mean enough to take a class/committee/work/group/churchmate's usual seat just to watch the reaction. I've never been verbally called on it, but it's a sadistic giggle to watch them squirm and attack me with dirty looks in their "unusual" seat for the entire class. Classmates invariably return to their usual seat when I let them have it during the next class. Mean, I know, but there is something to be said for a cheap thrill. I don't believe I've caused any serious damage with this petty sadism.

Saving the long story of the progress on the father fucking pile for my journal, this morning's meditation read resonated especially loud for me. From "Hope for Today," gently edited to fit the particulars of my strictly personal day:

"I often worry that I'm not doing something truly important with my life. Caught up in day-to-day trivialities, it doesn't seem that I accomplish much. Yet I forget that through all my daily routine, I am working my therapy program.

"Working my program is about learning how to love myself, the powers beyond my control and those around me. To be loving is to be fully alive. To be fully alive is to use all the splendid faculties of my personality in every area of my life.

"As I grow in love, I worry less about doing something important. Instead I stretch my abilities as far as they can take me. My actions become the spontaneous expression of a loving heart. I have done more as a result of working my program than in all my plans and schemes without it. I have come to believe there is nothing more important I can do with my life than becoming more loving and spiritual.

"Thought for the Day:

"When I am feeling unaccomplished, I will remember that loving myself is the greatest accomplishment of all.

"I used to believe that thinking was the highest function of human beings. . . I now realize loving is our supreme function. The heart precedes the mind."

End of reader share.

"All there is but loving leaves a rust on your soul." ~Langston Hughes

Update: Still shakey, but feeling the courage to hope, despite my hyper-vigilant fears of. . . Ya knows or ya don't. All the same to me.