I am probably in the fight or flight mode as I write. About two hours ago, there was a major domestic violence dispute my brother and his current gf. I was not in the living room where it happened; I was in my bedroom. As the thump and yells happened instantaneously, my niece gave a major cry as I remembered the last time, she was in her mother's arms. My adrenanline kicked in and I immediately called 9-1-1. My hands were shaking, heart pumping, and my voice cracked as I spoke on the phone. I immediately prepared my things, as I felt the past relived.

The doorbell from outside sounded. My mother immediately told me not to open the door. I didnt. I should've. Anyways, as I went to check the door, she asked me if I called the police. I told her yeah. Forget it.

It was the past relived all over again. I remembered raising my voice to my mother as I was telling her things, things she didn't want to hear. She raised her hand as she was going to slap me as I told her how sick and ignorant she is for not looking at herself in the mirror. It felt like lightning; it went so fast. I knew my mother disowned me as it sounded liked she wanted me to get violated, raped. I went to the police station. I wanted to know if they had the call report in the system; they did. The P.O who I spoke to did not give me much comfort, as it seemed that he didn't really know how badly hurting I was at the moment. I refused an ambulance option; also a shelter. I told him the option of my aunt's place. As I sat on the stairs and i told him my refusal for an ambulance, he told me to leave, as I can not stay sitting on the stairs. Next moment, i just started crying and cursing. I looked like a crazy person checking everything in the streets, from the moment I left my mom's place to the moment I arrived here.

I know probably the next few days I will remain traumatized and act cold. I know the guilt and shame will kick in soon after. I know revenge is alive and well. I will probably look back at this and be amazed on how i didn't lose my mind, breaking things. I know the hurt and trauma is there. I don't know how bad it is. I know, as of now, i said a lot of shit to my mother, not in anyway to offend her but i knew that the past was in my face. This is the kind of stuff my body and spirit feeds in which is unhealthy, toxic, and unsafe but i know how bad it is.

Guys, i will need reminders. I know i will react different from now, maybe tomorrow or days or weeks, most likely days. Now, i know my adrenaline and cortisol is on high. I am shocked. I know for sure, this will affect my c-ptsd and depression more than I will ever know. I can go on and on right now, but my aunt made me a tea. Oh my God.... i know its going to kick in and I am not going to like it. F---.... Idk what more to say or do.. i really just wanna hurt somebody....