I’m so sorry Thor, I really empathize especially everything you wrote in your last paragraph really captures how PTSD feels for me too, it’s like I am literally haunted.

Please know you are strong, especially in the moments you feel it the least.

I hope you don’t self harm, I would hate for you to get infection in your skin or anything.

Be gentle with yourself, your doing the best you can
Big hug <3

Hi Thor.

Sorry you're feeling so guilty and ashamed that you can sleep. Are your thoughts going really fast? Is that what you mean by running wild? My son takes an antipsychotic to help his mind slow down and work at the right speed. It cuts down on aggression and impulsiveness. And, emergency rooms can administer them, usually. In fact, before he started on them he used to bang his head on hard surfaces like walls and sidewalks and he doesn't do that anymore. I wondered a couple of times if there was some element of self-harm in his behavior, but he doesn't communicate at that level so I don't really know.

P.s. none of my business, and I admit to being biased, but I always recommend that men be honest with their wives, or at least not lie to them.

Anyway, an antipsychotic like Zyprexa or Risperdal might help. Abilify and Latuda didn't help us, but which 1 works for which person is really a very individual thing.

Good luck. And, be good to yourself. You can always punish yourself later if self-compassion and kindness don't work. But maybe later can be put off.

EDIT:
/Can't sleep

Sorry Thor, you have really had a hard time lately. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a a warrior, Thor. I know how hard it is to be tempted to self harm. I am trying so hard to stop. It’s not the same but I have been holding ice in my hand til it really hurts. Have you thought anymore about the 4 week program suggested by your Pdoc? It might give you time to decompress. I hope you find some relief, Thor. Sending you comforting hugs and support.

Any time you want to share those shameful memories and unburden yourself of them, Thor, feel free to. Medication and self harm seem to be working less and less with them, so it may help to try something different with them. We're here for you whatever you decide.

Thanks Muji

Muji - The said I did immoral and unethical things 13 years ago. I did was I was ordered to do and what was standard practice. I took nothing for myself. the judged me guilty in an admin court. I had to prove a negative without evidence. The said I was guilty and damned. They removed my next rank that I was waiting to put on. They called me a liar and untrustworthly. My peers fleed me. I was alone. I was alone.

Don't support injustice Thor!!!.... You know what is unjust

Would you support it if I was wrongly convicted or persecuted???... IF not why would you accept it against yourself

You need to be a better friend to you sweetie... Don't let a government do what is wrong and then applaud it.... That's no good sweetie..... and that's not what any of us want our governments to be about

That's simply corruption ... Don't be a part of corruption against yourself...... That you know is wrong.....

You thought you could trust these people and you were burned badly.... Don't perpetuate it by continuing to burn yourself....

Big hug....xo

BTW something similar happened to me due to me standing up for a person that was a forensic patient and was hurt by staff in a facility.....

I stood up for the patient and it didn't fair well for me doing that

It messed me up for some time.... Now I just think Fugg them!!.... I wasn't the one in the wrong.... Sometimes we trust the wrong people... It's not out of foolishness .... There are those who will do the wrong thing.... There are liars and cheaters. in this world and those people are not worth you suffering one moment longer....

Another big hug.....xo