OK, first of all.... 1. your husband needed to hear some shit, is my guess and 2. you cannot be perfect, so stop trying! No, I don't okay the verbal knockdowns around the kiddos, but IIRC, you're not married to perfection either, and I grew up with abullying dad. Trust me when I say that I can count on one hand the times my mom brought the crazy to our lives, and with my dad it was pretty much everyday all day wheneer he was around... And bullies have a knack for getting us to mirror them, because then they can point fingers and justify their own behavior. Trust me on that one, been there, done that, self-loathing included.

Talk to the kids when the hubby ain't around, apologize to them for having to hear that, but apologize to yourself, too, okay? "Jenny, I'm sorry I let you down. I'll try harder, is that okay?" and see what you say.

Gentle purrs to you.

How old are your kids?
We've all lost it in front of our kids. I never did the apology thing. (Well not at first, maybe a few days later. In the moment, in my experience, almost all apologies sound and are false, and only made both the apologizer and apologizee feel worse.)

Instead I'd go in and listen to my kids.

"You hate me". (or "Daddy hates me")

I didn't contradict them. I heard them. And label back the feelings I thought that they were expressing "you feel like I hate you". Then, if they were "prickly", I'd just BE in the room with them...quiet. If they were up to a hug, I'd hug/rock them. But I never "softened" (minimized) the feelings. Instead I'd say things like "yeah, you're right (nodding my head in agreement), at that moment, I bet it sure did feel like I hated you".

Then I'd try to get them to talk through Choices (What's the best thing to do when someone's lost it? What are their choices to do now?) ***They often came up with better choices than I did.***

Ouchie yeowie!!! Hurt enough, and then some, for all!!! Stabilizing support while you recover. Be extra gentle with all the players involved. In my just-a-patient senses, domestic tit-for-tat is, hands down, the most brutal and universal blood-sport on the planet. It consistently amazes me how quickly it escalates to endlessly creative cruelty.

Hope healing happens here. Glad you felt safe to share about ^it^.

Lots of realistic perceptions here to think about. We made up and both felt heard. I'll be talking to my son tomorrow about it because he's skipping school and it will be just him and me alone. I let my kids take 1 no questions asked day off every semester, we call it mental health day lol. It worked out perfect that we get some alone time to check in. Thanks guys as always you've been the sound of reason my hyper head needs.

jenny007, your last post here confirms what I had read on therapist Pete Walker's PTSD website about our PTSD fight response. Of the four f's of PTSD (fight, flight, fawn, freeze) the fight response is, fortunately, the one we can be "psychoeducated" the most.
http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

In plain English, it's the one where it's the most worth those "realistic perceptions here to think about," as you put it. It's great, then, how you planned a day off with your son tomorrow to do that thinking together.

Holy shit muji that's insanely accurate. The huge blow outs happen rarely but I'm ready for them at the slightest comment or tone of voice. I've become less reactive as I aged but only because I've learned that my words hurt others beyond repair. But as much as I've learned I still sometimes end up doing it. My hubs used to be an abusive drunk, when he would do that stuff I froze and lost my voice. Now that he's sober and it doesn't escalate to that point anymore it's like any fight we have I'm worried it will go there and I'm trying to show my power, like try me this time and you're the one who's going to be hurting. I am not sure how I can learn to trust it won't happen again because it's been ten years since it was chaotic. When I'm calm I can't even say i completely trust it won't happen again even though there's proof innfront of my face.

Also with my sons being victims of sexual abuse I can see in myself this extra mama bear defence thing going on. It was my hubs son who did it and when he is yelling at the kids I'm instantly put back to that time and either I'm frozen watching or I'm frantically trying to de-escalate the situation, in a ball of anxiety that takes days to calm down. He raises his voice but not screaming but all I feel is I need to protect them. So yesterday when he straight up bullied my son I know I was feeling scared and triggered. so I know it was a perfect storm for me to let the lid off but still wrong none the less.

OK, I gotta ask... he was abusive, alcoholic, trust issues, his son hurt your sons.... May I ask what in that is not going to be triggering on a regular basis? Even if your hubs has dried out and straightened up... Are you sure you and your kids are 100 percent safe? I have the *same identical* issue with being too ready to fight when certain circumstances arise, and I've learned to rephrase my angry words, and make it clear that the anger is my reaction, and not ncessarily in proportion to the situation. Took time, work, still does, every every every day, but it has really helped to practice that, and practice it some more, and did I mention practice? I fail sometimes, but I can catch myself more easily now than, say, a year or two or three ago!

I don't mean to say you can't trust situation you're in, but that's a lot of triggery stuff, IMHO. So... Just make sure you're really safe, okay?

I've no idea what I mean, just be safe, please?

Echoing Leo, you have a lot of good reasons to lose it about.