i am still locked up.

allowed two passes,30 minutes a day off the ward.

it is freezing cold out...i don't have a jacket,and i am not supposed to wear tights because when i fell after the vodka and pills,(which i have no memory of of course) i have a scraped knee that has become infected...

i am so very lonely and i miss my cat desperatly...

when my friend and i went back to my apartment yesterday to collect all the meds i had there i was supposed to  bring back to the hospital i was disgusted by the state i had been living in-i take good care of my cat but i can't keep my place clean and tidy ( i told my social worker here that i need help with that which i worry admitting here will cause you all to see me as pathetic-after all i am supposed to be an adult-i do not feel like an adult-at times i feel emotionally stunted at age 15,sometimes age 5....anyway...)

what am i going on about?

i called my best friend who lives 6 hours away where i used to live but i guess she is still sleeping-

i should reach out to my nurse,but i feel bad bothering her.

*TW* Self Harm*

***************************************************************************************************************

But.

i am tempted to go back to my room and bang my wrist against my window sill- i can't- i have a roomate who  is trying to sleep-i have already woken her up talking in my sleep every night-well.atleast i haven't been screaming....

i want to go home.

my regular pdoc i love is away for the whole week and i am so scared of who is filling in for him-

i am so scared in general...

This is supposed to be on average a two week stay but i am afraid that the more honest i am the longer i will have to stay-

But.

i came here,after my suicide attempt where i was sent by ambulance to a scary hospital on my own-beacuse i didn't feel safe....

Now,Now.....

Oh......i am so confused...i could concentrate on my book last night,and i woke up at 5 Am which is late for me,so i got *some* sleep,but but but....

i guess i guess i suppose...ask for a prn?

ask if my nurse has time to talk?

tell her tell her tell about my S/H urges.....???

Ok.

Enough.

No.

i am body checking in my mirror....but still eating but don't see how i can keep it up once i get home-

i am a mess.....

forgive me.....

ok.

Love To All.