I was denied for disability benefits earlier this week, but I got the letter yesterday. I did not even want to open it. It took almost four months for them to decide and my life situation is already in dire straits. Although my doctor was really confident I would receive these benefits and that it would be "the saving grace" for my situation, I did not entirely trust him. I now feel disillusioned by him despite once feeling confident in him but this quickly spiraled into very severe anger at my parents and what they did to cause this situation which led to many flashbacks.

Have you seen the show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? The best way to describe my life was being trapped in a bunker; in a bubble with two severly ill people who although could provide basic necissities for a child had absolutely no mental capacity for raising one. I experienced through them a lot of really traumatic things, especially around medical care. However, I remained isolated from both sides of the family, I raised myself and kept myself "safe" from the environment by keeping myself in my bedroom before taking on full time care of my father. 

Although I'm a capable and resilient and mostly intelligent person, like Kimmy, once escaping this "reality" that I shared primarily with two people who have now passed away (under equally as traumatic circumstances) and having to "fend for myself" things were incredibly different. I do not get into fun shenanigans like Kimmy, nor did I magically land in a quirky basement apartment with a cool roommate or get a decent job with a moderately "caring" employer. The mental issues and disturbances of having been isolated and only really knowing one thing is not cute or well suited for employment, let alone finding stable housing. 

I am not a drug addict or an alcoholic. I smoke a lot of weed, but considering what I actually see and experience regularly, weed consumption is the least of it. I am not even "mentally ill"; suffering from a disorder that needs medication to keep me functioning (though anti-depressants could help a bit, but again, it's the least of what could help, at least in my personal opinion) but having to deal with the trauma and flashbacks and inability to cope and take care of myself successfully because I simply am stuck in the past yet no longer "living there". Mentally, I do. To me, this seems disabling. My doctor seemed to agree as well and having disability benefits would open up more avenues of proper treatment. 

Right now, I live in very a very desolate situation in an apartment shared with what is definitely someone using a lot of hard drugs and drinking regularly. This morning a random drunk walked into my room and this situation alone is not one I have the emotional or mental strength to really properly deal with; out of pure anxiety I let him sit down and have a (suitably depressing) conversation with me. I cannot even use the kitchen because it is stacked with garbage and dozens of alcohol bottles and beer cans with food rotting in the refridgerator. I primarily eat with a guy I have been seeing for a year who manages to keep his own life at a distance from mine. It's not a great relationship but I have literally no one else who would invite me into their home to eat regularly and I'm never "forced" or obligated or assumed to "trade" anything. 

I just.. don't know what to do or how to cope I guess right now. I can fight the denial, which I'll probably eventually come to terms with doing, but all the extra feelings of anger and sadness and depression and anxiety and everything from my past is so overwhelming. 

On top of everything, I lost my wallet a few months ago with all of my ID inside. It took me weeks to get the money together to get just the first piece of ID needed to replace the rest and now I'm in limbo to replace the card I need to see my doctor in the first place (let alone my bank card, which I've managed to live without for two months now).