Cry in the shower CC. Yes even at 3+ years I still feel the grief waves hit.
But you should allow yourself an outlet. I hate the "Shoulds" but in this case it is a wound that can't be undone, so we have to work with it.
I am off for awhile but will check back later.
Hugs , I miss you when you are scarce, but not because I expect a cheerleader understand.
Jewell

Cry in the shower, Cecil, indeed. I do that a *lot* Don't "should" all over yourself, okay? Bad idea.

Gentle support, and feel free to share whatever you want to share. We're not all happy perky television ads for "normal", and that's fine. Because it's reality, not a TV ad. Did that make sense?

Big hugs, and glad you checked in:-)

Good to see you, Cecil. You have been missed.

I am pretty good at achieving that numbness/dissociation, too. For short periods, I could even look like a "real go-getter" doing it. Alas, the nights are where the cosmic debt collectors come to claim the price of that numbness. I let my own debts collect to sleep-deprivation levels pretty routinely. I numbed my consciousness to the point where my nightmares were in charge of my life. I don't recommend it. It is yet another solution that works until it doesn't.

Have you been trying out any solutions?

So, or no, it was a great treat to see you listed in the discussions.

I'm sorry, Cecil.

Sending you a hug .....

My therapist always explained that when I don't do my healing work during the day (i.e. cry, release anger, work with my inner children) it would show up at night. I had many nights just like you explained here but once I followed her suggestion and did the work during the day my nights did get better. It didn't stop the waking panic completely but it was drastically reduced.

Depression is anger turned inwards. It is an indicator that you are repressing your anger instead of releasing it. Release the anger in safe ways and the depression will eventually lift. It also sounds like grieving, and as we all know, anger is a part of the grieving process is anger. If you have a lifetime of suppressing anger then the grieving process can not be completed.

Safe ways to release anger:
-Cry - yes this does release anger
-Punch a pillow
-Scream into a pillow
-Kick a pillow
-Rip a cardboard box to shreds

When releasing anger in these safe ways it is best if you focus on who/what you are angry about. If you are angry at someone who abused you then direct your anger and screams at that person (not IN person though. This is done without the person with you).

If you are angry about losing your husband or anyone else in your life then be angry about it. It's OK to be angry at the person for passing. It's OK to be angry at God (or whoever you believe in) for taking that person from you. It's OK to be angry at whatever illness took that person from you.

Keeping anger trapped in your body is not healthy. It will cause issues with your liver and bladder just to name a few. Anger is an emotion that has a bad rap but it can be released in safe ways - safe for you and safe for anyone around you.

Take care

I'm not the best person to offer advice for this because I, too, dissociate a lot when I'm triggered or upset. I'm like arfie where I can appear to be very resilient and a real go-getter to the point where if I tell others I'm going through a hard time they brush it off because I'm still fully functional. But like you and arfie, it really hits me at night.

During these times, I'll cry at night. If I'm upset but can't cry,then I will listen to youtube videos on releasing depression or anger, or listen to the music therapy videos on youtube. I also try and spend time each day to write in a journal as much as I can. Personally, I found that writing helps me release a lot of emotions. I also try to engage in a lot of self-care.

*Hugs* I hope you find our advice helpful and that you feel better soon.

Cecil, good to have you back, but I'm sorry for what you're going through.

In 2011 I had a loss of a career and a fiancee and the home we had together coincide with losing 60% of kidney function and losing a second new job after the career already lost that year. So I lost the second home I moved into after losing the house with my fiancee. Therefore I maxed my credit cards to move to a lower paying third job 1500 miles away. At the end of that trip I collapsed when I got out of the cab of the moving van I was driving and I ended up in the hospital.

After I got out of the hospital into my third home in nine months I didn't shower a lot then, either. Life was spent coping making it to the new, lower paying job every morning after going off of all depression and anxiety meds for the kidney thing.

I wish I could tell you what the secret to getting through it all was. All I can figure I did differently is that when all else failed (and it sure did) I came here. Honest to goodness. So that's why I'm so sorry for what you're going through but I'm so glad to see you here, Cecil. We do get it, and we're here for you.