That is a perfecct way to describe how I feel. I am going thru the motions of pretening to feel things that others seem to feel deeply.

2 thoughts:

1. I felt that way during the 6 weeks I agreed to try an antidepressant. The feeling went away when my doc let me stop. During that time I didn't even feel like I had a gender. Psychoactive drugs can definitely distance you from parts of heart and mind and spirit.

2 Normally I do feel a sense of depth, and attribute it, in part, to daily meditation practice that has been part of life for decades. Maybe adding some sort of spiritual center practice to your routine might help you feel more in touch w/ yourself.

I am sorry you are experiencing this, sounds sort of lonely to be partially cut off from yourself.

For the many months that you have been my good friend I have observed you express deep feelings even passions. Also your artwork shows great depth of feelings and humanity. I have heard you say you hurt deeply and you are able to express your pain so I could understand how much. You have shown concern and compassion for me and others that also shows depth of feeling. My experience as your friend is that you do have deep feelings. Then questions is why don't you feel the same within yourself? Guessing, perhaps it's a lack of self esteem? Perhaps you don't accept such a positive attribute as deep feelings to be part of who you believe you are? Another guess is that I know with my DID that personality splits can leave the remaining conscious host will less feeling because she has literally split off and buried big parts of herself away from consciousness. Dissociative disorders are dis-orders because we end up hiding from ourselves in order to rid or dampen the pain of trauma. With DID specifically, the host usually carries just enough feelings and intelligence to shuffle through days coping and trying to maintain buried what we've had to hide as insufferable. This may be true with other variations of chronic dissociation. My gut says the later is probably true for you. You are not DID but dissociation is something you know well. If you think about it, how can you feel numb and deeply at the same time? Great peace to you dear.

Not on my personal list of problems, but I deal with this in my husband and youngest son. An element I see in your post which I have seen in both of them is comparison. Breaks my manicky little heart. Both are tremendously sensitive men with hearts bigger than the Pacific Ocean. Comparing the depth of their compassionate souls to the projectile drama of my childhood is like comparing the majesty of the Milky Way to the garish lights of Sunset Strip.

May I add you to my prayers that our gentle souls learn to swim and appreciate their own depths? My husband is, without doubt, the most healing force in my life.

My theory is that after enduring multiple traumas, the consciousness retreats to a dissociated state where we don't really feel things as fully as others do. I think our inner experiences are deep, but in our social experiences we tend to be partially shut down as a defensive mechanism.

I feel like I'm in a movie or TV show sometimes instead of experiencing things as real. My guess is that the only cure for that is in building relationships where we feel valued and safe. I'm not likely to do much of that, since I live a very isolated life...and the community in which I live seems to view me negatively for some reason.

I'm trying to accept it as my new reality, can't see any other option right now.

I agree with Richie- what goes on inside is pretty intense, but it feels like a failure to connect with others. I also feel isolated where I live.

It can be like watching a movie or like having a filter between me and the active life that swirls around me. I am physically present with others, but people often seem to sense that I'm not quite there. It can feel like disreality.

Letitbe3's point about meditation sounds like a good idea. I know when I do practice mindfullness or grounding, I tend to feel less dull.

I feel more present with pets and when I'm outdoors than I do with people or when I'm not doing something active.

I have been sitting in Church lately feeling like I am watching a movie or play. Xx

I can relate. Especially about childhoods here. Since I've had PTSD since early childhood and was hospitalized first for passing out with PTSD panic attacks at 13, I don't have that rich childhood, either. I imagine how nice it must be when I read posts here in which people are nostalgic for the person they used to be before their trauma changed them and left them with PTSD. I have no such history to look back on at all.

So since I can relate, let me be frank: your post itself proves you're far from shallow, as does the feedback here from others, me included, about your posts. The vote is in: you don't lack depth.

Which isn't at all to deny the fact that you feel a lack of depth. And having survived the kind of moment you're going through right now, I remember how I, too, was so frustrated that just feeling a lack of depth might as well be a lack of depth.

It's not. This is what you describe--a feeling. It may be from an anti-depressant you may be taking, as someone mentioned. It may be PTSD dissociating triggered somehow. Wherever it comes from, it's a real feeling, yes. Still, from lived experience I offer that, having been there, it doesn't define all of you, as no one feeling or lack thereof alone ever defines all of any of us. Even PTSD itself doesn't define all of us, not even for people like you or me, who don't have childhood memories before its onset.

No, you're not alone in this either. We're with you now, too, in the shallow and in the deep.

thanks everyone for your replies. Thanks too, diana for your kind words. And, I do think it is a dissociative thing. From the late 80's, after getting out of a severely traumatic rehab, I felt severely dissociated - it took a further 8 years to work this out. I just knew I felt 'out of it' and fogged up. There was no 'me' inside, I was 2 dimensional, I was extremely confused and disorientated. This is what I mean by dissociation. Well, it went on for years and years. Finally, it all settled down. Except that I still feel I lack depth. And, I don't have DiD, But I must still be dissociated to some extent. All the best to everyone here.