Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Over the last week, it's like my world has been completely shattered. I remember going to work this last tuesday and every thing feeling fine. Well on wednesday I was going to go tour a school campus with my mom then go to lunch, as my mom and I were getting ready to walk into eat lunch, I get a call from my employer's human resources department saying that they need me to come in, my instincts kicked in and I knew exactly what they were going to do, they were going to fire me, axe, me or terminate me whichever is politically correct. As protection, I did not go in I called in sick and went and saw my case manager as well as my psych provider, I was pretty upset so they were going to put me on fmla leave and switch my meds, I thought I was protected due to filing the fmla papers well I wasnt, they still terminated me. The lady in hr, was extremely rude and hostile, I asked to speak to the vice president of operations and she refused me to do so. It really caused me to be upset because two months before now, i was employee of the month and it seemed like I was well respected. Looking back at it now, I feel like I was put down and harassed, because one of my supervisors would say that the reason that certain people are in the position that they are in, is due to aptitude, this made me feel like I was an unworthy employee even back then. They tried to get me for misconduct, which I have witnesses as well as patients that say that I did my job. I believe the clinical director is what got me fired, I just feel like my world has been shattered.
It's just not about the job all either, there has been some stuff that has happened to me over the last few months that has me questioning am I meant to have a good life, am i a good person , who am I etc. I'm on here today because I'm crying for help. I have been screaming for help every since my trauma that happened back in 2012. Before my trauma I was a highly functioning person, I was able to know who I was, where I was going, and I took care of business now it's like I'm lost. The doctors and mental health providers here in arizona are nothing but a joke. They say they are going to do something and never follow through, or make you feel bullied or at least thats what they did with me. . I got to give a rewind of what's got me feeling this way and whats got me on here today, part of it is due to my trauma, I have never done EMDR, got trauma counseling or nothing either because the doctors dont know what they are doing, or I didnt have the money to see the provider. My employer or previous employer would jack me around and wouldnt give me full time status until this past september, I should have been promoted to full time along time ago but the outfit plays favorites. anyways, back in september and october things were going great, I was enjoying going to karaoke at the local bar, I was loving my job, etc. Well one night this guy came up to me and showed me interest which now I think was all a big joke and out of ill intention. I was a sucker and exchanged numbers with him and thought he actually cared about me. He took me out to restaurants, hotels, etc just basically showed me he cared, as a fool I immediatly had sex with him. This guy I believe was the start of why I'm feeling so bad today, his friends and him liked to drink every weekend and when they would they were alcoholics, they would be plastered upon leaving the bar, some nights I believe I gave them rides. One night I was at a bonfire with them and I let loose which is not like me, I let loose of control and did things that were not like me such as taking off my shirt, drinking a fifth, this stuff was not like me at all, that's when I started to think I was a bad person. The second incident was when I had someone question my character, that made the thoughts of me being a bad person even stronger. That's not all, then one of the above guys friends started to accuse me of going after the same guy as her, which I did I admit that but I believe it's a free world plus the guy was way out of my league and would have never gone for me anyways. She started to say I was dressing like her, copying her etc, this made me question who i was too. Then on top of that, I got a call from my uncle one day saying my dad had passed away and that he got that news from somebody in a text, that rocked me too. I live with a stepfather that can be sometimes emotionally abusive because he drinks and that doesnt help either. I try to reach out for friends here, but it feels like I have nobody here in arizona that cares about me.... I feel that my mom does but my stepfather is always telling her it's her or me. With everything that was going on the last few months I decided to get on meds but I feel that's making me worse or that's contributing to me questioning myself. I had another breakup which after him I vowed that I was going to dress better, now I feel like I have changed for the worst. The self doubt is incredible and it wont stop, it wont let up. I have been in and out of 6 psych hospitals due to this and I dont want to go back because I dont want to throw my life away or become institutionalized i'm just stuck, I feel like I have lost me my sense of self. I'm desperate. It's like the doctors dont care either, I'm coming on here for help or any support someone can give me.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
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Using my husband as an example, as he's one of the better/best adjusted humans I've met (lucky SOB)....
He works with money, wears a tie, excels, workaholic, downright grim about performing his job to his ultimate ability, at all hours, and his bosses all love him, and every setback at his job make shim a wreck for days. His job-self is intent, humorless, perfectionist, and (frankly) can be an a-hole as a result, even if he is soft-spoken about it, and he even knows the *history* of his industry back 120 years.
He also laughs at my bad jokes, makes amazing sourdough bread, is a total movie fanatic, has won awards for his creative fiction, and hopes someday to write a recipe book of bread recipes. He's a sentimental fool in the bets sense, hanging on to old mementoes and being upset if one of us breaks a dish from the set we bought as our first set together.
Much more than his job, yes?
So what's your *not-job* self? What else is there in y our world? And don't say "oh but it's not the same, that's just hobbies/whatever." B/c my career for over a decade arose from a hobby. I don't have a lot of people.... that scares me... but... What about you? Who are you? Not how good you are, okay, but what do you like, enjoy, etc.?
I ramble b/c this is stuff I wrestle with and I can't be brief, I'm still i nprocess/progress, but.... I felt I have to be perfect in order to be even permitted to exist, basically, and a lot of therapy went into me being able to ask those questions about myself. I hope it helps youa little, at least to know you're not alone.
Hugs, Patti
My therapist suggested I stay off work for 2 years of therapy and focus only on getting myself well. I did that, and it was not easy, financial struggles, family pressure and all that other fun stuff. I went to therapy every week for 2 years and little by little I got better. I focused on me and getting well. It really was a full time job.
Anyway, during this time it became clear to me my career was over. PTSD had left my brain damaged to the point I cannot focus, concentrate or handle stress anymore. I tried getting some lower stress and paying jobs, but I failed at those and fell into a deep depression each time I fell further and further away from my old career while I loved. Eventually I settled into a part-time job stocking shelves in the early morning. There is much I dislike about this job, the hours, the pay etc, but what I do like about it is there is no stress, I go in and go home. My work does not follow me home, people are to busy to chat, so there is no bullshit. I call it my 4 to 8 hours of week vacation from PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.
I know how you are feeling right now, but I am trying to say, it will get better. It might not be in your current career. High stress jobs, in service industries and where bosses are dicks are not something we can do. I don't feel I deserved to be fired from the jobs I got let from either, but life is unfair. People can sense we are different than other people, some are ok with it and others are not. Some mental health issues scare people and their judgements kick in and they let us go. Others are afraid we will take to much time off work or better just, come in and freak out killing everyone, the news has been awesome for painting us as homicidal idiots.
Take a couple deep breaths, work with your therapist. Lick your wounds and then get back up on that horse and try again. Don't be afraid to try a different career, you will eventually find one where the employer will accept you as you are and appreciate you. I may not get paid a lot and I may not have the career I once had, but my boss loves me, and accepts me for who I am. She is kind and supportive, even when I slept through one of my shifts.
Don't let a bunch of idiots get to you. You are ok, it is them.
Hugs
Sorry got off topic there. Welcome to the club of bad decisions after trauma. I put on a show with my husbands friend via FaceTime one night drinking. It's so embarrassing and so not me...the hoody and leggings modest female here. I was acting out, a down right fool and wish I could erase the memory but I can't so I have to just keep going forward and never put myself in that position again. I've acted out in other ways less embarrassing but still not proud of. Point is those instances don't define me, that's not my norm. One silly decision can not set the precedence of my entire character.
It's not entirely this or entirely that with us humans. We are intricate beings made up of many characteristics and the fact that you regret things in life means you have a conscience. You're one of the good ones that care. Focus on that.