Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Hi,
My main trauma happened about 7 years ago, recently Ihave been in repeated stressfuland even traumatic incidences at work and I feel like I am now constantly thinking about trauma and what happened in the past, I have been on this site alot although I haven't posted much, I have been watching triggering films and reading lots about trauma I almost feel like Iam trying to wind myself up and I don't get why I am doing this I feel like I am generallybeing really self destructive and I don't get why I would constantly be bringing up something that distresses me at a time when Iam a bit fragile anyway, and it feels like a choice, it feels like I could choose to do something different am I just being masochistic?
My main trauma happened about 7 years ago, recently Ihave been in repeated stressfuland even traumatic incidences at work and I feel like I am now constantly thinking about trauma and what happened in the past, I have been on this site alot although I haven't posted much, I have been watching triggering films and reading lots about trauma I almost feel like Iam trying to wind myself up and I don't get why I am doing this I feel like I am generallybeing really self destructive and I don't get why I would constantly be bringing up something that distresses me at a time when Iam a bit fragile anyway, and it feels like a choice, it feels like I could choose to do something different am I just being masochistic?
The way I look at myself is based on a model of the personality called TA (don't worry what it means, not important). In TA they divide your personality into three parts, your child, parent and adult. Your adult is generally the part of you that understands rational ideas and can step out of your emotions and understand the bigger picture. Your child is the part that is full of emotions. She wants what she wants right now, she desperatly wants to be loved and validated. The child is where art and even sex come from. She's very impulsive and full of emotions. The parent is the part that believed everything your parents ever told you. It's where lucky people get their self worth and childhood abuse victims (like me) get their self loathing. OK that's the language I'm talking about.
It sounds like your 'child' wants something that is deeply emotional for you, like remembering your trauma. She may be angry at you (the whole you) she wants something, and she's pushing you to reexperience trauma. It feels like you could choose differently, that would be the adult that could choose something different but doesn't because the fact is the child is usually the most powerful part of the personality. So your child part is pushing this behavior.
If you want to understand better what and why you are doing this, go ahead and ask her. Think of a picture of yourself as a child, who is sitting in front of you and ask her, what the hell is up with all the trauma images? Then feel how you feel when you chose to watch the triggering stuff and feel that child and let her tell you what's going on. She probably has wanted to tell you for some time.
OK, I know psycho babble. May not help -- hope it does. Good luck.
Its 9am in the morning here and I am off work because I have a cold.I have just read your reply Stkevin and its really touched something in me when I read it I started to feel more ill and then started to cry.My immediate reaction was how could I make the child I was think about trauma. That child knew nothing about these things and I feel so sad for that child, which makes no sense as I was an adult when these things happened and I think I feel sad because Ihave these things in my head that if i tell people I will hurt them or make them angry or they won't understand and they will hurt me and i wish i didn't have to carry it but i guess its always going to be there maybe it would be nice to go back to being a child before i got so worldly