I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for your struggles.

I truly understand.

But ....

[quote]I have a plan, and I have the means. [/quote]

These are the magic words. This is serious, and ... around here ... we KNOW this is serious.

What kind of help are you getting ? Psychiatric ? Psychological ? Social worker ??

If I ever got to the point where you are -- "suicidal ideation with a plan --" I'd get help, even if it meant walking into an Emergency Room, and telling them exactly that -- that I'm suicidal.

You have to make sure you're still around ... or ... nothing can get better.

Suicide is nearly always a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

What you'll find here ... is a whole bunch of us ... who are each dealing with a whole bunch, and who keep at it ...

One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.

One crisis at a time.
One flashback at a time.

See what I mean ?? No, it isn't easy.

But I'm quite sure you're worth saving :-)

I wish you peace, health, and strength. Truly.

I echo David---and I also truly undertand. A year ago? I was a total wreck heading for becoming more of one---and then when my particular can of worms opened all the way? It was months of what felt like living he**---but I look back and realize that about 20 years of Yuck was trying to get out all at once. I tried shutting it down again, failed, and wound up crying myself sick in the therapist's office.... and realized that what it takes to heal? Is hard work and hard times.

If you need to, go to an ER, do it. I've been there. I've come to that brink, I've looked in that abyss, and I've done it more than once and come back from it.

We're here for you.

Big purring hugs of hope and healing,
Leo

I think one thing to remember is that you are not stuck in this awful place alone.

First, you have a LOT of support right here. And it's people who have been through or are going through what you're experiencing. It's nice to be among friends.

Second, you are walking through a hellish valley right now, but you're doing it. You are INCREDIBLY brave and strong. Plus, by doing this work, you're already part way through.

The first bit is the hardest and you've done that. You've started. Now it's just getting through the rest and then you're done with the nasty part.

After that, there will be pieces to put in order but you'll feel better as you're doing that - and soon you will be able to enjoy life more and more and create the life you want.

I agree with what others are saying, too - if you are feeling suicidal, get whatever help you need to stick around. There is far more to life than the pain you're going through right now. It gets a WHOLE lot better and you want to be here for it.

When we get the flu, we often feel like we'd just prefer to die because it's so miserable but we realize it will pass so we just do what we can to get through it. This is much the same. You are doing such hard work - take care of yourself, realize there are many more who care for/about you than you know and realize this is temporary.

Tell us about April, It's a bad month for me too. This one will be harder , since I am moving from my home, my comfort zone.

I know all about plans, been there, but what does help is to break them down to smaller pieces. Then we can help each other.

Jewells

You will find a lot of us here that can understand, many from all over at different stages of healing.
I found it best to write then sort, no generalities, since that only seems to ball them up in a big bundle.
Smaller is better for PTSD.
J.

I have bee there, honey, and am even feeling like that again lately myself. I do not pretend to know your situation, so I won't give you any advice. But I will send loving thoughts and wireless (((hugs))) to you.

I hope and wish and pray to whatever powers there may be out there that you feel enough comfort to get through this.

(((hugs again)))

Debi

As you can see, you're not alone, even as badly as you feel. Others here have actually and truly been there, and it does get better. Not fast enough, maybe, but it does. So sorry for what you're going through, but here you are among people who know what it's like and made it through. Give yourself that chance, too. You're worth it.

Butterfly000, I had to look a little deeper. You do a wonderful job of helping those that have used cutting before, offering understanding and promoting safe measures...even going to ER if needed. So you are already helping others understand that by being so open. I gather you have that under control, by your posts.
It took awhile and you kept getting up and resolving again when you relapsed.

That's the same way you handle PTSD flashbacks, They happen, but fighting them is usually worse than letting them run their course. At the end of a flash, take notes, or journal what may have set it off. Also what you do recall even if it is sketchy. There is a journal to use that you can set as private as you like, even by post. I use mine for sorting, sometimes private. Then add any new info and edit as I go along. It's easy to get time lines confused when you "zone" to get by.
For me it took awhile to understand why I hate pale blue. I remembered the trauma, but never paid attention to the pale blue curtains in the room. Some times , especially when in therapy, one door opening , will cause a cascade of memories to fall out, Bits and pieces. The journal or even note pad by bed to record what you remember will help sort those into smaller pieces, manageable pieces. Then you have notes for meetings with you therapist. That helps immensely. especially when these start flooding you .

Here if you share you will get objective views and help on processing., sorting those pieces to where they belong----the past. One thing you will get is the realization that though they may be horrific, you are still here with us as ...a survivor.
I have to admit I was and still am on some, a victim, but it's getting better. I am surviving more each day....lately even living..who'da thunk that...not me.

You don't say your age in posts , but I can tell by some of your responses that you have seen councilors or therapist on the cutting, you have sound advice, that comes from confronting it more than once.

We are here to help where we can on the reasons that may have brought that to you as a form of self control.

But those general kinds of statement without explanations , are hard to help with. And taken very seriously. They also can hurt others reading if they are not in a good place themselves at the moment. So for those real heavy ones, just add "TW" in the topic titles, so we can prepare a bit.

This is a very good group. But we are all also in various stages of dealing/ healing with our past and daily things that trigger us. So very on edge should one of our members say they no longer have a reason "NOT" to put a plan in place.

So please tell us how we can help or if you need to just vent , do that. we will listen. Some one here most likely has a similar event in their history and the empathy and maybe what worked to help.

If nothing else you will get a lot of support as you did with this post.
jewells

I have been at that point before too. We all have the plan in the back of our mind and we all have the means if we try.

Very very sorry for what you are experiencing. Do you feel better once April passes? And do you have certain incidents that were connected with that particular month?

You are going through a phase that is well known to me. When you first realize that you have been victimized and you start to talk about it then you are in a danger zone.

I could not tell anyone what or what not to do. When you end it you do not give yourself the chance to see the better you, the improved you.
Abuse has a nasty aftertaste and sometimes victims forget that even the nastiest aftertaste will disappear.
About 3 years ago I was ready to put an end to it too. Did not want to go on, but that was when my PTSD was at its worst.
Called a counselor on the phone but the counselor did not really know how to help.
What you need is good therapy, finding a therapist is not easy and not everyone has the financial means but I am pretty sure there are places where victims can go to find that help.
Abuse victim groups exist everywhere in this country. Try to get connected to those and those people can help you I bet.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Crying right now. knowing that I have so much support and many people that care! Thank you so much! :) It means a lot knowing that people care. :)
I am hanging in there, I went to the hospital to get a little extra help. I am just starting to see a social worker, and as hard as it is to talk about the abuse, it hurts far more keeping it a secret.
Again thank you everyone!
Hugs!

Sorry you are feeling so down. I have just been through it too and I have just come out the other side. I am feeling a bit better and getting involved with a few activities in town. I think if you can hang on and keep doing positive affirmations and self love exercises, you will come through this too. With PTSD things can sometimes get worse before they get better. You are worth it, you didn't ask for what happened to you but you can ask for a better life. Big hugs and keep posting. x

Good morning, so good to see your post. Also the positive steps you are taking for you. That is a big step to do for you.
Thank you for the update

Jewells

Good morning,a nd glad to see you! Yep, it hurts. I went in wondering how I'd ever make someone understand what my dad could do with words let alone the rest---and then it got complicated---and... I'm still here a year later! It hurts, but it hurts less than 20 years of swallowing the impossible-to-swallow.... I'm just more "used" to stifling, it's not better, just more familiar. So good for you getting help!

YAY YOU! :-)