Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Hi,
I am feeling really angry, lonely, bored and sad. I know I need to make more/new friends but even if I did I dont feel like going out. I couldnt push myself today. I didnt shower or get dressed until 5pm. I want to binge. I am trying not to.
I thought about tying the electrical cord around my neck and the razor blade in the kitchen drawer has been calling out to me. I settled for 2 minutes of hitting myself with a riding crop. It isnt a suicidal thing. It is a feeling thing. I really dont know how to explain it but maybe someone out there gets it.
When these moods first start I think I know what is causing it but after a little while it just becomes a dark mass of pain.
I have so many ideas in my head. Ideas of things to make or create but I cant push them past the idea stage. It is so frustrating. I wish I had some kind of real talent. I feel like I need a way to pull the emotions out of the inside and make them visible. I dont know, maybe that is what I do with my body.
I want to tell someone I am hurting. I dont know what I expect from who I tell. Maybe it is my way of saying I exist.
I know I need to do something. I need to get on the treadmill and walk for a bit. Listen to music. Work on my cross stitch, take some pictures, repot my plants. I need to do something, anything but I cant seem to. That makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel like I have chosen to be where I am and who I am. I guess I have.
Thank you for reading this. I needed someone to read it.
I am feeling really angry, lonely, bored and sad. I know I need to make more/new friends but even if I did I dont feel like going out. I couldnt push myself today. I didnt shower or get dressed until 5pm. I want to binge. I am trying not to.
I thought about tying the electrical cord around my neck and the razor blade in the kitchen drawer has been calling out to me. I settled for 2 minutes of hitting myself with a riding crop. It isnt a suicidal thing. It is a feeling thing. I really dont know how to explain it but maybe someone out there gets it.
When these moods first start I think I know what is causing it but after a little while it just becomes a dark mass of pain.
I have so many ideas in my head. Ideas of things to make or create but I cant push them past the idea stage. It is so frustrating. I wish I had some kind of real talent. I feel like I need a way to pull the emotions out of the inside and make them visible. I dont know, maybe that is what I do with my body.
I want to tell someone I am hurting. I dont know what I expect from who I tell. Maybe it is my way of saying I exist.
I know I need to do something. I need to get on the treadmill and walk for a bit. Listen to music. Work on my cross stitch, take some pictures, repot my plants. I need to do something, anything but I cant seem to. That makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel like I have chosen to be where I am and who I am. I guess I have.
Thank you for reading this. I needed someone to read it.
It is ok to have a down day here and there and you need to allow yourself these days. Heck everyone has them. Relax today and tell yourself that it is ok to relax today because tomorrow is a new day. You might be pushing yourself to hard. This might be your mind and body saying I need a rest today.
You know I am really impressed with your post you need to give yourself more credit. You did get showed and dressed which is good. You know that a walk will make you feel better too. You have hobbies cross stitch, take some pictures, repot my plants. This is all good stuff, you have build a good solid base for getting well. Congrats!
I don't think any of us decided to be where we are emotionally. However, we can certainly help ourselves to change the way we look at things which in turn does improve our quality of life. You are on the right track, it does not happen by itself, we have to do the work, put the effort in and have to want it. It is not an easy journey, but walking with friends here makes it bearable.
Sending ((hugs)) your way!
Those feelings of darkness and numbness I know well. Those days and months where ideas flow but nothing comes of them and as Donna says you fight through this every day and you are working too. You are very talented, sweet and funny.
I am happy you decided to post and hope you share with us more so that we can be there for you hun.
You exist. You deserve attention.
Stuckness is a really difficult thing to deal with, I struggle with it too. Pills are not making it much easier.
http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm
CC, I had never looked at hitting myself as grounding but it kinda fits. I did use a rubber band a couple of months back when I was getting "lost" at work and needed a quick and easy way to pull myself out of the dark.
Thank you all for the responses. It really helped. I was feeling pretty alone and you all were a wonderful help.