Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Hi,
I am feeling really angry, lonely, bored and sad. I know I need to make more/new friends but even if I did I dont feel like going out. I couldnt push myself today. I didnt shower or get dressed until 5pm. I want to binge. I am trying not to.
I thought about tying the electrical cord around my neck and the razor blade in the kitchen drawer has been calling out to me. I settled for 2 minutes of hitting myself with a riding crop. It isnt a suicidal thing. It is a feeling thing. I really dont know how to explain it but maybe someone out there gets it.
When these moods first start I think I know what is causing it but after a little while it just becomes a dark mass of pain.
I have so many ideas in my head. Ideas of things to make or create but I cant push them past the idea stage. It is so frustrating. I wish I had some kind of real talent. I feel like I need a way to pull the emotions out of the inside and make them visible. I dont know, maybe that is what I do with my body.
I want to tell someone I am hurting. I dont know what I expect from who I tell. Maybe it is my way of saying I exist.
I know I need to do something. I need to get on the treadmill and walk for a bit. Listen to music. Work on my cross stitch, take some pictures, repot my plants. I need to do something, anything but I cant seem to. That makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel like I have chosen to be where I am and who I am. I guess I have.
Thank you for reading this. I needed someone to read it.
I am feeling really angry, lonely, bored and sad. I know I need to make more/new friends but even if I did I dont feel like going out. I couldnt push myself today. I didnt shower or get dressed until 5pm. I want to binge. I am trying not to.
I thought about tying the electrical cord around my neck and the razor blade in the kitchen drawer has been calling out to me. I settled for 2 minutes of hitting myself with a riding crop. It isnt a suicidal thing. It is a feeling thing. I really dont know how to explain it but maybe someone out there gets it.
When these moods first start I think I know what is causing it but after a little while it just becomes a dark mass of pain.
I have so many ideas in my head. Ideas of things to make or create but I cant push them past the idea stage. It is so frustrating. I wish I had some kind of real talent. I feel like I need a way to pull the emotions out of the inside and make them visible. I dont know, maybe that is what I do with my body.
I want to tell someone I am hurting. I dont know what I expect from who I tell. Maybe it is my way of saying I exist.
I know I need to do something. I need to get on the treadmill and walk for a bit. Listen to music. Work on my cross stitch, take some pictures, repot my plants. I need to do something, anything but I cant seem to. That makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel like I have chosen to be where I am and who I am. I guess I have.
Thank you for reading this. I needed someone to read it.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
What prevents you from doing something past the planning? Is it anxiety?
I'm glad you didn't do something more that hitting yourself, but that's still really intense. Why not "feel" something by working out or doing yoga or meditation? Or go to a 12 step program?
Are you in therapy?
Hugs.
I understand the hurting yourself stuff. I do that stuff too. It helps.
I've got so much crap in my head that I used creativity to get it out in the past. I am trying to do that again but I had a 10 ton weight on my back until last month. Well she was more like 130 but the stress she created was like 10 tons.
I think just writing will help you. The writing will become a way to create.
Yes I am in therapy.
It is so hard to explain why I don't do the things you are suggesting. I feel like one of two things happened here. Either what I wrote was unclear or you did not really read it.
I am having a day where I feel a deadness or nothingness alternating with depression. What I am saying is that I am having a great deal of trouble "doing" anything. That is what depression is like for some people. Some days I do push through. Today I feel unable to.
I know that it was probably not your intention but your words made me feel judged as hell. I judge myself enough. I have asked myself all day, 'Why don't you just get up and do something??!!" I don't know.
My first thought was frustration as a body thing...looking for something like catharsis?
Second was a sense that the term 'real talent' isn't helpful or even valid. You'd like to express what is on the inside outside. I totally understand...then I remind myself that is an impossible task...revered authors, for example, feel incredible frustration and have a higher than average suicide rate.
What would like to do in addition to what you do? Maybe you can or something like it to juice up your creative impulses and outlets... I wouldn't mind brainstorming with you (I don't mean to be intrusive, tho).
Btw, I'm curious if you're cyclothymic. What you describe sounds like something I could write. I can certainly relate!
And glad you posted...glad I am here to read it...xx
Deadness inside...is distressing...horrible...at least for me.
But the truth is, you are working at a physically and emotionally exhausting job. I ain't doin' squat. When I think about what you have to go through in your day to day life, I think you deserve to lie around all freakin weekend if you want. And yet, you also have every right to want and expect more from your life.
So I don't have any answers. I'm sincerely sorry you're hurting and I'm REALLY sorry you're judging yourself, because I definitely think you deserve a break. But it's been going on a long time for you too and I certainly don't blame you for feeling fed up and a little panicked about it, because I feel the same way.
I've missed you :-) The past few weeks I have gotten some cleaning done but as I type this I remember I didn't do my laundry today and the washer and dryers will be timing out soon :-( I have been thinking maybe I could stop being such a damn perfectionist and use my "easy" camera I might get a shot or 2.
Atec, your response made me smile and it didn't even hurt my face much.
Spacepony,
I had to look that up. I have not been diagnosed with that. Psychiatrist says bipolar 2. Therapist says PTSD and depression. I think early on therapist said dysthymia (?)
I am I said to no one there.....
Ah, no stranger to mysterious ebbs and flows of energy....I don't know you, but if I understand correctly, you're feeling general fatigue, that's very frustrating...and even angering. Idk.
....to someones there, at daily strength, they really care'
silly :P