I know what you mean about the hospital feeling more like home. I have been hosptialized several times with PTSD and depression and I also feel more at home there. I think it's because we are with our "own kind". We are not judged for our feelings and we get support from the other patients. I know what it feels like to feel all alone. Coming to support groups such as this helps me to realize there are other people out the who UNDERSTAND. I also know what it feel like to want to go to my heavenly home. I struggle with that very often. I've realized though that talking with, and opening up to people who suffer from the same struggles makes me feel not so alone and gets me through one more day. Thats all we can do is go day by day.

You are not alone in your thinking. I think often if this is as good as it is going to get. I use to be a very confident person full of self-esteem...not now. I am shadow of myself. I am told by experts I will recover about 75% of who I am, but no one can say when that will occur. My point PTSD is a journey and your recovery will be a personal thing. It may take a few more months, it may take years. My trauma happened about 6 years ago. I crashed almost 3 years ago and only started to make real progress in the last year. This group has really helped me.

Speaking of the group. I feel the same as you. I cannot talk to my family and friends about this. Try as they may, they just cannot seem to understand why I cannot just get over it and move on. It does not make sense I am stuck something much like a computer programing loop. They do not understand PTSD rewired my brain and I don't think or act like I use too. After all I do not look sick and I look like the same person, so why am I so different?

Anyway, this group is a great place to be open. No one judges you and chances are you find someone who thinks like you and as awful as this sounds it brings comfort knowing you are no alone. It is ok to feel more comfortable here then home. And as you get better the isolation will lift and you will find yourself getting out there doing stuff. You need confidence, self-esteem and most of all to trust yourself and your beliefs again. It will take time. Take it slow.

As for being more comfortable in the hospital and thinking that is the best place for the holidays, we I think that is natural as well. I was in the hospital for a while in 2010. I find myself sometimes wanting to go back. So I asked my therapist about this. He asked me if I felt safe there and I said yes. I did not have to deal with outside stresses. It was like I was in a protected bubble. He explained to me that I had made the hospital a safe zone. Since I was safe in the hospital I therefore wanted to return to that safe zone if things go overwhelming. It made sense to me. No one could get me in the hospital.

Not sure if you can do this or not, but if there is room that could be just your room. Clear it out and then put things in there that make you feel good, comfortable and safe. Put a lock on the door, some books in the room and make it your safe room. When you are feeling overwhelmed or down...go in the room and spend sometime doing deep breathing, listening to music, or visualizing a special place, may by the ocean.

Hope this helps and your are feeling better soon.

It is more difficult to be around others who don't understand- who don't "get it." I've been struggling with my own issues and my daughter's anorexia/ptsd and when I'm around other people I just think they don't know what I'm going through- what my daughter and my family has to get through. I listen to others and scoff at what they consider to be problems- gaining a few pounds or not finding the right shoes-how lucky they are to have a healthy happy child and my sweet baby is struggling trying to shake off her past like a heavy coat of shame only to get buried time and time again. It's easy to isolate yourself, to convince yourself that no one will understand but to quote someone- those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter-
Given the rate of rape and abuse and trauma inflicted upon us there are people around you somewhere who understand, who need and want the same things as you- people who "get it" we just have to surround ourselves with those people and to give ourselves a break- that it's okay to be you- to be me or my daughter-