Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
We fought, we talked, i cried...
Ive already posted this in another forum, so forgive me if you have seen it already, im really struggling with this, and its making me feel helpless, which is bringing out the ptsd monster big time. its so hard to think, to figure out what i need to do. im so emotional. and im so afraid. i dont want to teach my daughter that its ok for this to happen...
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
Ive already posted this in another forum, so forgive me if you have seen it already, im really struggling with this, and its making me feel helpless, which is bringing out the ptsd monster big time. its so hard to think, to figure out what i need to do. im so emotional. and im so afraid. i dont want to teach my daughter that its ok for this to happen...
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
...To me, that would be an abuse incident.
...Breaking your daughter's favorite picture, he's abusing that child.
...Then he hit you on top of that, which is further traumatizing the kid.
And it wasn't just a quick sort of "I lost it " kind of slap. It was a drawn out battering incident.
" he has hit the majority of ex's in his past."
Yeah, so he's got a history of violence...and he KNOWS it, and he ought to have been in counseling for it prior to it getting to the point where he beat you up.
My vote's on getting out ASAP.
In fact you should be in contact with the local shelter, have an escape plan ready.