Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
We fought, we talked, i cried...
Ive already posted this in another forum, so forgive me if you have seen it already, im really struggling with this, and its making me feel helpless, which is bringing out the ptsd monster big time. its so hard to think, to figure out what i need to do. im so emotional. and im so afraid. i dont want to teach my daughter that its ok for this to happen...
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
Ive already posted this in another forum, so forgive me if you have seen it already, im really struggling with this, and its making me feel helpless, which is bringing out the ptsd monster big time. its so hard to think, to figure out what i need to do. im so emotional. and im so afraid. i dont want to teach my daughter that its ok for this to happen...
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
i am living with the pain of knowing that my daughter is making excuses for her abusive husband because i stayed too long with an abusive husband and because of the craziness that i exhibited because of ptsd. it's a nightmare. whatever goes on in our houses while our children are small, they will seek out the same behavior in their partners as adults. because that is normal for them. that is comfortable for them. right or wrong.
even if you hit him, there is a huge difference between a man hitting a woman and a woman hitting a man. it is always an unfair fight. always.
i wish the best for you.
for me, i'd be out the door.
i'm very sorry that happened to you.
I think it sounds like he just couldn't take any more and snapped for a second. Also, your PTSD could be coloring it. You didn't say what exactly happened. I actually think that if another person is mistreating another person, it's a tough call. I don't think that just b/c a woman is abusing a man (sounds like that's what you've been doing), that the woman can then flip and call her BF a monster if, after two years, he defends himself.
Not saying that's what happened, but I do think you may need to work this through a bit. Part of this whole thing could be your PTSD doing things to push away a good man b/c part of you thinks you don't deserve him, so you turn him into a monster in your eyes (even if it means getting him to hit you?).
Like I said, not saying this is the case, but I'd slow down and really examine this situation from the outside if you can.
He broke my daughters unicorn picture, shattered it, that broke her heart... and i flipped. i had to be in a position that i could protect my daughter as she was crying and holding the pieces of glass to her broken precious picture. He drew his fist back at me when i placed myself in between him and her... i said why did you do that? how could you do that? and he came at me. i blocked most of everything until he got a hold of my hair. then when I got free he went like he was going to go after my dog. he had thrown my dog in the past. so i grabbed him again. i didnt want to fight him, i didnt want to hurt him... i just didnt want him to hurt my dog or myself, or anything else.
He says he will go to counseling... he has hit the majority of ex's in his past. fuck. im so stupid. so incredibly stupid.
and this has happened to me so many times that im at the point of i dont really care.
but my daughter...
a huge part of me wants to give her away, wants her to go somewhere safe, somewhere away from me where she can learn to be a functioning adult without all of this... I cant do that for her, im too fucked up.
All ive worked for the past couple years in school, i woke up this morning not really caring. it was the first time i had had a full nights sleep in a while.. and i feel like shit now. im really depressed. im really sad. i have no support. i have no one to talk to. i have no one to call that cares anymore. and even if i did... it doesnt matter.
you do not deserve this. you matter.
you can do this.
you deserve peace in your life.
please do not give up.
i have no doubt that you would have a whole new brighter outlook on life if you were away from this abusive man.
i won't say to do it for your daughter, because you are important even without her. but if it helps you to tell yourself that you are doing it for her, by all means, make that your motivation. my children were always a big motivator for me to even have another day. they are grown and they still are.
i really think that there are people who do care about us even when we believe that no one does.
i don't know you and i care.
peace to you dear Dracona
He may be great; you may be great, but clearly, you're not great together.
You may find peace once you sever ties. That happened to me. As it turned out, one person in my life was nothing but constant triggers. I felt immediate relief from at least 505 of the stuff I was going through.
Hugs to you and your daughter.
I do think we need to be apart. ive been feeling better this past 24 hrs and ive had time to think about it. I do not think he is purposefully abusive, i dont think he gets any power trips or control kicks out of it. comparing him to my numerous past abusive relationships, he does not fit the bar, thought he does carry some traits. He needs to work on his issues by himself. Just as I need to work on mine. and to keep myself calm i am not currently thinking about the relationship. i look at it as a blank spot, and am not defining it at this moment because it hightens my anxiety.
basically, i dont think i am in danger right now. and i have covered my ass enough through my counselor that if he does anything again... he will be in jail for a while, and lose his career. even if he so much as yells at me.
srbth-
im sorry you went through that for so long... ive had my share of abusive relationships, but ive always gotten out before it was that bad. I have a defiant demon in me and i cant lay down for long before i stand up and say either kill me while im fighting or let me go, no matter how much it hurts. but i have taken much before it gets there, and felt stuck. i look back and wonder how i ever got out of some of those. I can see how time would pass quickly stuck in that cycle and my heart goes out to you.
Relationships are hard. i dont know when to forgive, when to forget, what to let go of and what to confront. so i usually end up confronting everything. i cant imagine that would be pleasant. its like im always sticking a thermometer in the relationship, with my lists of lists that says what should be healthy that i forget to enjoy the relationship. so hard to trust when youve had that utterly destroyed.
I would love to get into dbt, but right now im at the whims of what is available, and i cannot afford that on my own. my counselor is a talk therapist... and i can talk til im blue in the face. the other counselor the VA is having me see... is putting me through CBT, but i honestly think she has too many patients to really focus, and we only get 6 sessions, 30 mins a peice so i really dont see how it can help, or where to go from there. but im still trying.
I cant give up. i dont want my daughter to end up like me.