When I took over my mom's care, I told myself that no matter what, whatever happened I would LABEL nothing stressful in my mind. I don't know how to describe it better than this. I experience, I loved, I did....I labelled nothing in words, thoughts or feelings as stressful. That was the only way that I could do it. I fell apart after, but during I never did. I hope this helps a little.

I think that's one of the signs of PTSD.. we fall apart after, and stuff it during.

Hospice care is tough, and how it's done depends on what the person/people believe about afterlife, and even the philosophy about present life.

A word about controlling types of people. I discovered that they are usually actually very insecure,, and they think that things will just fall apart into chaos and all kinds of terrible things if they 'let go' of control. So trying to control the situation is their way of feeling more secure. Trust is a huge issue for these people. if they could trust then they wouldn't need to control so much.

Soooo , now, I've changed the way I deal with controlling people. I don't have to buy into it. I try to remain calm, because I don't want to have them feeling even more insecure. I calmly explain to them what my viewpoint is, if they are able to listen, though sometimes they really can't, and then.. patience.

I know that parents are sujpposed to be the ones who help us, support us, encourage us.. but sometimes they can't,,, and sometimes we are the lights in their darkness.

Thanks, Milla. It does help me to get a little more handle on what my anxieties are. I feel a bit clueless on that score.

The frustration with my in-laws kinda runs to the opposite. The MIL is totally isolated behind the FIL's arrogant pride and his tightly controlled staff of employees. It is quite the dog and pony show. I am definitely watching my labeling reflexes. My clever name-calling tends to be void of all compassion. Reminding myself that "sarcasm" is from the Greek word for tearing of flesh.

Good point, xa. I know for certain that my own control issues are directly connected to my insecurities. When I am feeling confident, I have no need to control anybody or anything. I work with whatever life sends me.

I have no doubt that the FIL always has been extremely insecure. The geriatric decline has only amplified it. It is not about me.

xa, I STUFF nothing. I knew exactly what I was doing and made a conscious decision to do so. It's not a part of my PTSD. My PTSD is open and honest and feeling and caring and telling the truth. In this one very important instance it was the LABELING IT AS STRESS that was the important thing. I would have fallen apart with my mother's death whether I had been stressing and screeching the sholw time I took care of her or not. I chose to not. Clarifying. How we label things is very important. For example, I truly dislike the word trigger. I never used it. I see no use for it. It causes fear in people. When I experience something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I look at it to see why. Don't run away from it because it "triggered" me. I wish and hope that therapists and books would eliminate this work.

Arfie, I send good thoughts for the strength you need to experience what you must. Big hug.

Today,I send you peaceful healing thoughts, and we are here for YOUR moral support. :-)

And I don't know any good detachment exercises, so I am glad you have them in your toolbox!:-)

There will be no stress today, only chances to learn, is how I try to think about it when I am exposed to my in-laws. Good luck!

I walked into many homes like this on my parish visits, and then had patients from homes like this as hospital chaplain. Now when I teach my Death and Dying classes to nursing students I try to describe what you describe so well in just a few words.

It's amazing how a home can gradually turn into a tomb over time, and those in it don't see it when it's so clear to everyone else.

Prayers with your hubbie. I know things are also going on with your hubbie and son. Lots on your family plate right now. Yet each time something comes up you've got your wise course plotted through it.. You know what you want support for and say so to us. I admire you for that.

Prayers indeed, arfie.

I am very new to this.

A phenom which has mystified me over the 34 years of visiting the fancy community in which the in-laws live is watching big, fancy, fairly new houses being demolished and new houses of equal value built on the same spot. I always shrugged it off as, "More money than sense."

I think I understand now. Maybe. Their feel of deathly silence may never leave that house, however fancy the woodwork.

My childhood home was sold in 2001. It had become that "living tomb". A prospective owner was already planning renovations as I walked hi through the house, and he suddenly apologized, saying it must seem rude. I said no. I said a new family in the house should get their own new start. It was new life in the house of the dead, to me and my mom. I've since heard he did a lot of good things in that house, and they're having ag ood time raising a family there. (THree boys, a hayfield, and lots of trees, to say nothing of the room for dogs and a garden....)

Arfie I know exactly the type of home you going to visit. Natural death is one area that there really is no control over so FIL is trying to convince himself he has some control.

I think you are amazing for doing this for your husband even though it will be difficult for you. You have all the tools just use them to the best of your ability. I will be thinking of you.