This is interesting. I have a lot of trouble trusting and connecting with people.

There are some things I would trust a lot of people with and some I would trust very few. But your book makes a very good point: shared values are paramount.

Another thing would be shared experiences. I would trust someone who identified with me in ways a lot more than I would trust someone who found me different and alien.

I would also look at how strong and independent the person is. People often have good intentions, but we are subject to many temptations. Some are almost irresistible to many, like the temptation to gossip. Therefore I would look at how strong the person is, and how susceptible they are to the influence of others.

I found it interesting too Rizen...

It had never occurred to me to put the responsibility, for the decision on whether it REALLY was a risk worth taking, back on to myself!! Omg, I feel like such a toddler out in the Big, Wide World... argggh! lol

LOL... why don't they teach these things in school... would save a lot of aggravation, rofl. But then I guess the minute you mention "values" everyone would start hating on each other... sigh

Hi Donna : )

I've found that book so helpful! It's called "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: The Victim's Guide to Healing and Recovery" by R. B. Flannery

I liked it because the emphasis was on ways to move past just surviving...

I love the points you added!

Before risking trusting someone ask yourself these questions...

1. Can you, with reasonable accuracy, PREDICT what the person is likely to do?
2. Does the person hold SIMILAR values to you?
3. Can the person relate to your experiences? Have they had a similar experience themselves??

Wow! That last point you mention is such a big one. I agree, so many people surprise me with that. I'm so used to relying on myself and doing my best for the animals I've rescued (doors closed no room at the inn, lol) that it often doesn't occur to me that people have little intention of doing what they SAY they are going to do.

Maybe IF I'd thought carefully about how they treated OTHERS, their past behaviour, then I'd have a better appreciation that often it does predict their future behaviour. Lol, if they gossip WITH you... chances are they gossip ABOUT you... argh! Fortunately I just don't care about gossip... I guess that is one good thing about having a "lack of a sense of self"... hmmm! Food for thought.

Thanks again for those points... I'm putting a BIG effort into becoming less "socially isolated" ~ omg, my past disasters are predicting MANY future disasters on that front, lol, sigh

I just responded to Yadlim on this and for me these same questions pose another one for me,

Are these my expectations, predictions or assumptions of what I think a person should do? I do see how people with similar values could be trustworthy. I like to see what a person does, how they react to things first. For instance, if I wanted to date a co-worker and he was always late to work and was bad at responding to important emails I would "assume" he was unreliable in the outside world (just an example)

This post is making me think!

In other words, I do not just jump onto the trust pool.

Big HUGS DoooOver! : )

Now I have a great mental image reminder to go with some ideas...

"do not just jump into the trust pool" ~ : )

I can smile WHILE I'm reminding myself... stop, THINK, decide...

My personal breakthrough on trust was to stop looking at it as an either/or proposition. It is possible to trust in increments. For example, I trust my husband with my life, but I know my plants are compost if I trust him to tend them for me.

I like building trust slowly and flexibly. When I hit a trust issue, I back off and regroup. I don't need to throw people in the toxic waste dump at the first confusion.

Just me...

Gentle validation while you sort your own, Little Philly. Trust is an important question.

My problem with trust has gone both ways: being too UN-trusting, of course. But on the other hand, being too trusting as well.

That's why I got romantically involved years ago with someone who turned out to be violent. The neighbors bothered her by firing off firecrackers one summer night, so she took a gun and fired 7 bullets into their house. She was arrested for it, of course, and then re-arrested for it again later!! The neighbors moved. It took that for me to see I had been abused by this person for a year, but wasn't willing able to see it for myself until she abused someone else, too.

I'm hoping to become with trust more like Goldilocks is with porridge: not too hot, not too cold, but rather just right. Work in progress.

LOL... big hug Muji! : )

Now I have the mental image of Godilocks dipping her toe in a swimming pool to see if it's not too cold... carrying a bowl of porridge...

Dang, that nice people put up with horrible, violent people... I'm glad you got OUT of that situation! I was in a violent relationship with a very controlling, aggressive, demanding person once... he was all charming at first but then gradually the fists came out and the demands became more intense...

it took me almost a year to leave... he'd switch back to charming and apologetic just often enough to keep me off-balance... BUT... towards the end he knew I wasn't going to stay and he just lost the plot... by then I was actually terrified of leaving him because he swore he would hunt me down and kill me...

One day I just left anyway despite the fear... sure he hunted me down and shot me... but... he wasn't a great shot!! and he DIDN'T kill me...

At first, looking back I was horrified that I put up with his abuse for so long BUT he's a highly skilled manipulator and quite practiced at being a bully... in private. I found out later that he'd done similar to another girl (apart from actually shooting her) and she stayed TWO years... argh! I don't beat myself up about it now... I SURVIVED and I definitely won't get myself into THAT situation ever again : )

I like all three of your suggestions. I think for me I tend to be much more cautious in relationships. I have some close friends that came from a recovery group I did. I still have a hard time making close friends but am very friendly and get along great with other people and meet people I'd like to connect with more but doesn't seem to work out. I do trust slowly also a little at a time and when you are dealing with new people I try to remind myself to get to know them slowly it isn't a race and good friendships take time over years to establish full trust. I definitely struggle though in this department alot so good thread thankyou