Hmmmm...

Seems something frightend your wife.

Are you seeing a therapist? This is a loaded remark and seems a third party, therapist, should bring this up to your wife.

Some things to ponder ... have you blown up at your wife or the children? Why do you think your Mrs would say this? Only you can honestly answer this to yourself.

As far as credibilty ... if your wife said it, there is meaning behind it. She may not feel safe to tell you why she said this.

Feeling safe is #1. This includes our children's safety.

You might want to pick up a book called "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman, MD.

This book explains PTSD thoroughly-including veterans, rape and incest survivors. I started reading it last week and now I feel, for the first time ever, hope for recovery.

I have avoided comittment to former partners without understanding why ... until now. I know I had to 'find my way' and work through PTSD.

Several other books I found recently have helped me get to the point where I am right now. I've still got a ways to go...and it is bloody hard work ... but I am going to see this recovery...I know it.

of course this does not mean that I won't experience 'a trigger' and go into the deepest, darkest place imagineable ... I can do my best to avoid 'triggers'.

Please have patience with your wife.

Knowledge is powerful. Even therapists who help us with our PTSD symptoms can't completely understand us. But, they can read books like "Trauma and Recovery" and maybe get some idea of what we go through day after day.

Feeling safe, loved unconditionally, receiving encouragement to expand our territory, and being around empathetic and patient people are in the recipe we with PTSD need to soak up and believe.

I'm rambling now. Sorry.

Best of luck. You can always email me if you need to chat.

Peace be with you.

I would try and explain to her, without getting angry, how much her words hurt. Perhaps a letter would be best.

Her ability to trust may be shattered and that would cause her to lash out at times. You have every right to be upset that she said that. It is very hurtful. I can only speculate as to why she said it but I often will say things I really don't mean when I'm triggered. It's fear-based. She is expressing her deepest fear, perhaps.

When triggered, it's a complete loss of control. If this is something she wouldn't say otherwise then I'd say she was lashing out because she was scared.

There's a book called the Inner World of Trauma by Donald Kalshed, and it talks about how people develop an inner traumitizer. It's like a diabolical figure, or monster that stalks people in their inner world/dreams.

She may be projecting her inner monster onto you.

OMG Imorin! That just gave me goose bumps and freaked me out. I have always had these reoccuring dreams of this "diabolic figure"....I can't even talk about it too much as it is likely to reemerge it. But I may have to one day take out that book to check this out. Thanks!

Sorry about your wife's friend. She is under a lot of stress.

How much credence would probably be best defined by you who probably has a better understanding about is normal with her. If this is unusual for her, my hunch would be that the stress is a contributing factor (including the triggering).

My observation is that you have taken what she said to heart and are feeling some self doubt (as a consequence). This doesn't seem entirely bad in that it suggests (to me) that you listen to her, care about her as well as what she thinks, and that her opinion matters to you. One thing that is so hard with the PTSD is that we often lash out defensively and say things that are harsh and hurtful (as a protective mechanism), and this is a form of lashing out. We need to be sensitive to the double standard it can sometimes represent in terms of our expectations of others. It is possible that she may be mirroring her own fear of lashing out, which she did on some level via her insinuation.

It's obvious that you care, but also that there is tension.

With hope, you have come to some terms with her on this by now.

it occurs to me in reading your post her frends illness also may be a factor. Hyper vigilance is not an unusual response and having a sense of being on constant guard may have been challenged. Supporting a loved one through trauma is hard work and with the best will in the world doubt whether alaways not taking things personally is possible. What is your support network like where can you go to let off steam? Counselling for you could be an option as it also shows you partner you are taking care of yourself but only you can decide that and counselling is rarely easy. Perhaps finding out and talking about her friend and how she feels about her dying may be useful to you both and also expressing calmly that you felt hurt by her reaction and took those comments personally.
take care
Deb

30pieces-I have that for me, having PTSD caused by repeated trauma by those who were supposed to love me-Its very hard to get past the feeling that everyone has an inner monster just lurking to come out. Its not something that I dwell o but when triggered this thought is very prevalent. I believe that with ime and therapy this is somethng your wife wil get past. That does not mean that she actually feels that you have an inner monster inside but could very well be a reaction to having been triggered. I feel that you need to talk to your wife about this. I also commend you for caring enough to join a PTSD support group. I thinks its extremely important for a spouse to understand whats happening with their mate.

Quite aside from the comments of others concerning what is going on in your wife's possible troubled mind, you should also consider that many husbands really are not well equipped to take over child care if something suddenly happened to the wife. A lot also depends on the age of the children. Older children may be taught self care skills.

You need to be honest with yourself on the following questions. Do you know how to sort, wash, and put away the laundry? Do you know how to shop for and prepare nutritious meals, and send good lunches to school with the children? Who manages the bill paying in your home? If you do NOT know how to do all these things, you might ask your wife to show you how to do them so you could be more effective in an emergency. Also, since she is stressed either emotionally, or time wise because of her sick friend, this would give you an opportunity to take a little of the load off her. Good luck

Ask yourself these questions

Try not to take her insults personally. I have a wonderful husband who knows about my past history and I love him dearly. Still, that does not prevent me from lashing out when there is deep pain. The important bit is to discover how to open up those lines of communication. Get your wife to talk about what she is going through and listen to every word. It'll make your marriage a stronger one.

I'd hate to disagree with you, but it is not grounds for divorce. Whenever your wife says hurtful things, widen your perception and look at the reasons why she is saying them. She loves you and she wants to push you away. Its such a common response when abuse is involved. If I were you, I wouldn't mention the D word around her- it will make matters MUCH worse. Scare tactics are the wrong approach to take in this sort of situation. She may also take it as your rejection of her. (Not good at all)

Lastly, everyone has their own experiences and will handle them differently. You can't expect your wife to go about things the same way you do. Some people feel better when they talk about their past, while others like to shut the past away and never think on it again. Everyone will be different.

Sorry to hear about your wife's friend. Right now your wife is very scared and trying to deal with PTSD and a close friend dying. VERY hard. I can say that from experience. With your wife's history of abuse times like this become very scary for her. It did for me. She depends on you and loves you...thats why she lashed out. When my friend was dying I lashed out alot at my fiance. About things that didn't make since to him but made alot to me. It was my fears coming out. I also accused him of having a monster inside and unable to care for our kids. I went as far as legally making a will that would put our children in my brother's custody if something happens to me. All over me being scared and triggered. When one has PTSD life is scary and you tend to worry and think about things that are out of our control. i know I do. It's the anxiety part. Try not to take the things she says personal. And DEFINETLY do NOT mention the D word. That will set a women off! Especially if it really was not meant when she said it. I tend to talk through my anger. I can get very hurtful at times. When I do my fiance just says "thats how you feel now, OK. We can talk later. Let me know when you wanna." then later when I relax a little he mentions it in a very nice way and just confirms it wasn't meant. And when he see's me getting upset talking ends for a period and he just hugs me. We need to feel safe. At all times. when we don't we not only get scared but angry. I was abused to the point of inches from death also. It's very hard to trust again. It gets better but when stress builds up we go into defensive mode. We hurt someone before they can hurt us. So don't take it personal. I know how she feels. She loves you and I'm willing to bet a month of pay she didn't mean it. She was lashing out because maybe she's scared, hurt or like me, just realized that our lives can end at any moment wether we plan it like this or not. We have no control over living and dieing. As a mother it is one of the scariest things to realize. Who will care for our kids when we're gone? How will they be treated? Have girls....will they be abused too and we're not there to protect them? Just love her and be there for her. You are a wonderful husband for joining a support group to help your wife....I applaud you for being so supportive. Take Care, god bless!!!

if you ever need to chat you can always email me!!!

My two cents is to keep in mind she has been traumatized. And those memories stick embedded in her brain. She is under much stress so her keeping her actions under her control is hard. It seems she is projecting her past trauma and underlying fears [although they may have NOTHING to do with you as a person] onto you. It is something she needs to work out with a counselor. But no she probobly doesnt know what she is saying, and is in pain, and doesnt know how to cope and move forward and have a different, new healthy relationship without being scared.