I'm very sorry for your loss..never been where you are, there is a bereavement group here that is active..just click groups, b. I've lost my family to cancer, have had it myself, and there is No Way to know the depths of a caregiver and their loss after death. Please be gentle with yourself, where your husband got treatment, are there support groups...there was one when I had cancer...give yourself the gift of time, and lots of self care. All the best to you...

Thank you for your kindness. I haven't been to any support groups. I just don't think I could keep it together for that. So this is where I am for support. I will check out the groups -thank you for the info. And my best wishes for you … hugs

Hello Inarut. Welcome to DS. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

The nearest I've been to what you are going through is providing support for the caregiver. Yowza!!! That looks like a tough job!!!! The aftermath of doing that tough job looks even tougher. Do we grieve the end of life or celebrate the end of suffering? I still don't know, but I believe with all my heart and soul that recovery support is needed, by whatever name. I'm glad you are reaching out for that support.

On the live support group note, you don't need to "keep it together for that." Support groups are a safe place to fall apart. There is great healing magic for all in being there to sort and pick up the pieces worth keeping.

Welcome aboard, Inarut. Hope you find healing companionship here.

Welcome aboard this DS lifeboat Inarut. When a caretaker goes as long as you did, you wake up with no purpose. All your time and energy was focused on the next up and down. Your feelings are all the reasonable result. I would also support you finding some real time support. Gilda's House may be a good starting point for finding a purpose if there is one in your area. There is a caretakers group here which you can likely relate to. Caretakers lose themselves, and hopefully we can walk with you as you find your self again, as well as your new normal. Caring and comforting hugs as you continue your journey.

I got PTSD in a war zone overseas, yet when I worked the ER in Chicago as a hospital chaplain I came to understand that caring for loved ones can be a battle that can give folks PTSD, too. I got help for my PTSD before that job, but I sure kept it up once I got it, too, with a standing session every Thursday afternoon. I recommend a therapist for you, too, inarut. It really helped me.

Thank you for the advice muji..Maybe that will help me. Hugs to you!

I know exactly what you mean about the feeling of PTSD. In my case I have been caring for my wife of 37 years during the last 2 years. She was initially given just a few weeks to live but by some miracle she is still with me. Over the last 2 years she has almost died at least 4 times and each time I feel as though a piece of me dies inside. Now I sleep in my clothes just in case something happens during the night and I have to rush her to the hospital. During the day I seldom go for even a few minutes without thinking that I am going to relive the nightmare events that haunt me from the last 2 years. I have tried individual and group therapy but I can't shake the feelings of those dreadful events. Sometimes all it takes to trigger my scary thoughts is running across a reminder from one of her hospital stays. That is enough to cause shortness of breath, anxiety and a feeling of deep dread. I wish I had an answer for you but know that you are not alone.

I really do know what you are going through. I also slept in my clothes often for the many many long drives to ER in the middle of the night. And I know there is really nobody who can understand this other than we who have or are going through it. I hope you can stay strong and try to take care of yourself during the struggles. Sleep is important if you can find the time. Eat well and take deep breaths.. I want to thank you for your post.... keep in touch if you need me I will respond.

Although your husband had the cancer you were affected almost as much as he was. 10 years is a long time to be subjected to day after day of stress and worry. In my case I had to retire from my job that provided a pseudo support group which was really helpful in the first few months of her diagnosis. Unfortunately I was quick to discover most if not all of coworkers are not friends that are there for you after you no longer work with them. Like you I lost all of my friends and even close family members keep there distance. I believe a lot of them feel awkward and just don't know what to say. Unless you have dealt with the pressure of being immersed in the horror of having to deal with it 24/7 you just cannot comprehend how bad it can really be. As for sleep I don't seem to have an issue. 12 to 14 hours a day is not unusual. I feel like I am putting it in the bank for those "next" times.

You are lucky in that respect!! I don't remember the last time I got a good night's sleep. I still wake up in a state of horror many times a night. I feel like if I could just get some sleep I might get some relief. And I don't f want to take meds and become dependent on those..