Sorry you are going through this Cec. Apparently feeling anger and grief are steps on our recovery journey, if we just learn to accept those feeling and not beat ourselves up for them. If we weren't allowed to feel them as a child, we need to get in touch with them now. I was just reading a post (that I can't find again) that gave a useful link to understanding and validating when we feel this way. I downloaded the doc as a pdf and will send it to you if you PM me. You are not broken, you are not hateful and you have people here that care. I hope you feel better soon.

I understand. I have a mile long list of things that have to get done, but I'm sitting here exhausted just waiting for 10:30 so I can go to sleep and hopefully sleep all night.

I think my garbage may even smell. It's like that.

I'm losing money and having to make appointments that will cost a lot more money before I can start rebuilding. I have no clue where' I'll get both the motivation and the money. So I sit here with the faint smell of bad trash and wait to sleep.

Sending you gentle hugs. Let's you and I commit to ONE thing to accomplish. I can and will help, I'm sure.

Cecil, the meds you are on have this type of feeling in the side effects, call your doc, it's not helping. It's the reason why it's off my list. I don't kid about being on the board ready to take the dive.First is anxiety then numbness then decision...what it takes to get there is not that much if we are on the ladder.

With the job you have you spend so much of your compassionate bank on others, you are leaving not enough for you.

I know that you are also under pressure in your own home too, your daughter. She's really good at masking in front of others, so you look like there is no grounds to your feelings. But you do know better.
Fill out what it takes to evict her. It may be the only thing that get her to see what it's like to live not leach.

You need to have the abuser leave.

I am and so many are here for you.
Gentle hug Jewells

Hey Cecil, I am sorry you are having such a hard time!! I would have to agree the the feelings of anger and grief are part of our recovery. I find there are so many things (like everything from my childhood) that I am angry at! I have forced myself at times when I am able to just sit, close my eyes and try to find what I am so very angry. Is it the loss of my childhood? Is it never having a family? Is it the sea of faces I do not recognize through foster care yet experienced their abuse? So many things. I sometimes have no direction but I have experienced allowing myself to feel the anger (playing the Wii boxing game) or even just crying from deep within my soul! The hard part is allowing it to flow as most of us have been taught to keep this stuff inside.

Give yourself permission and accept that you are angry and have every right to be. Grieve the loss of things you will never have or the hurts you have experienced. Maybe just giving yourself the permission to feel these things is a great starting point and than when you are ready you can take the next step to try and release it so your true healing can begin.

Unfortunately, no it is not easy and takes extremely hard work but it can be done when you and your system are ready! I hope this may help and many hugs!!

I hate feeling broken and hateful... Especially when I really am broken and hateful. Truth hurts sometimes...

learning to be gentler with myself went a long way toward easing the hateful part. Still gets me all too often, but it still feels like real progress.

As for the broken part... I get by with a little help from my friends. Sometimes I am even strong enough to let them lean on me for a change.

Be gentle, Cecil. You deserve a little kindness.

Overwhelmed and hateful, two feelings I could relate to in what you described among others. To get through overwhelmed I have to break the cloud over me down into little parts to get through it. When I feel hateful I have to remember at least one thing in this world I love, trivial as it may be, like a flavor of ice cream.

These things get too big for me to bear. I have to scale them down to what I can handle to get through a day like you describe. And I have them, believe you me.

Sorry you're going through this, but you're not the first and won't be the last. Thanks for reaching out. It'll remind me to do the same when I'm overwhelmed and feel hateful. Right now, school starts Thursday but my boss is changing 2 of the classes I'm supposed to teach and it's Tuesday night. I'm in danger of feeling overwhelmed and hateful just over that. Doesn't take much to start me going.

You hang in there, Cecil. You're good people.

yes, you ARE good people. (that's an expression i also use regularily)

look, something isn't right. if you're not on meds or therapy, it might really help, and if you are, then they aren't doing what they're supposed to and you have to see your doctor/psychiatrist right away.

please, put in an emergency call tomorrow morning. pretty please.

I second it...because the one can have adverse effects depending on the depth of depression.

It can tip the scales the wrong way.http://www.drugs.com/sfx/wellbutrin-side-effects.html

Hey, that's cool, Jon, you use that expression "good people," too. I don't know why, but it helps with that broken down self esteem thing for me. Hope it helps that we both used it with you, Cec.

I feel your anger and hate. It is really deep down in directed at yourself rather than anything else or at least it is with me. Why cannot I deal with life? Why am I overwhelmed? My anger lashes out at others too.

This has helped me in the past. Start writing down what you are grateful for. Small things, even if it is that you got out of bed and dressed. Keep a book, with things you have accomplished each day too. At first these lists will be small, but they will grow.

When you feel the need to get angry and hate yourself, go to your books and start at the beginning. You will see all you have done.

You have to realize, we have an illness. Just because you cannot see it, does not mean it is not real. You would not expect yourself to operate at 100% with a broken leg. While you cannot operate at 100% with PTSD either. Cut yourself some slack and be thankful for what you are doing.

Hugs

Anger and hurt are honest emotions based on real life circumstances. If it is your meds causing these emotions to feel extreme I hope you soon know and have the meds adjusted. Anger and hurt, even though a part of our being human, can leave us exhausted and overwhelmed at times.

Gentle ((hugs)) shared

You are "self observing" in an objective way or you would not have been able to post this. I think this is a huge step, really. We have to acknowledge before we can understand, then we have to take that intellectual understanding to our emotional selves. That's the hard part. I don't know if complex PTSD can ever be truly "beaten" but I do know this: there are many, many persons in the world who are "suffering" and who cannot, will not, acknowledge that suffering. I truly believe that, once you acknowledge you have a "problem" and can see it in "action", you can then slowly begin to change it so it no longer controls most of your life.

I made it through work today. I didn't rip any heads off though I came close. The depression lifted but it usually does when I am at work. I am irritable but not feeling broken.

I go into these bad places when I am home....hardly ever while at work.

I am not sure the bupropion is the problem because these deep, deep lows are not new. I have had these moods on and off for weeks now. That being said it is too soon to know if it is going to help me. The only thing I have noticed is that I have more energy....or am restless depending on how one looks at it.

I am just tired of the mood swings and the bitchiness. My therapist called me back with some names of psychiatrists that are taking new patients. I will call tomorrow.

I appreciate all of you. You all listen/read my venting and let me know I am not alone. It does help to know that other people feel like this sometimes.

I know a medication will not be the complete answer but I hope if I find the right one it will help me stabilize so i can deal with the crap at home.

Lilly....I'm just glad I didn't have the GI stuff. I really don't feel much different. Except the restlessness. Hopefully one of recommended psychiatrists will be able to see me soon.

I used to have highs and lows and everything in between. Now I just have lows and lower lows.