Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Ive been doing a really great job of self sabotage lately.
all this build up, all this pain and anger constantly coming back... i dont see an end to it anymore. im so exhausted. and im in pain from my back... its hard to work. i dont even know why im posting here... im trying to care... all that i have is my beautiful little girl... and im afraid i will lose her soon too. I can hardly take care of her, i disassociate so much, no matter what i try to do. im seeing a counselor, but can only see her every two weeks. i think i need to be away, to some treatment place or something. i just want to hold on to my girl, enjoy her, spend time with her, and whatever this is just takes me away when i get stressed out. i dont have medical, i make just enough to not qualify for help, but not enough to meet our needs... its all too much. I dont think ive ever been so afraid in my life. I have no family, and VERY few friends who will help out or even understand. or even care to listen. i dont know what to do anymore... or even how to do. at this point, if i could get on meds i would, but I cant. no medical. dont have the hundreds of dollars to pay for it, dont have ANYTHING. no one knows, or even cares how low i am right now. i feel so desolate and lost. i just want it to stop. i just want to LIVE. i want to feel the passage of time, i want to LOVE, i want to not have this wrong with me. i cry every night about... and when i say the self sabotage, I work in a casino, i started gambling again. not that it matters much cause im not making the money anyway, but every little bit helps, but im so buried ive tried gambling my tips to try to dig myself out, cant really get buried too much further, im already down so far. i dont know what to do. and work is SO hard, it hurts, my back is MESSED up. im gonna stop writing now, i dont have anything more i can say... im just trying to say something, do something. be something, change something. its almost as if im stopping caring about everything but my baby girl... she is gonna be messed up like me... seeing me like this. shouldnt she be enough for me to stop this? to stop feeling like this?
all this build up, all this pain and anger constantly coming back... i dont see an end to it anymore. im so exhausted. and im in pain from my back... its hard to work. i dont even know why im posting here... im trying to care... all that i have is my beautiful little girl... and im afraid i will lose her soon too. I can hardly take care of her, i disassociate so much, no matter what i try to do. im seeing a counselor, but can only see her every two weeks. i think i need to be away, to some treatment place or something. i just want to hold on to my girl, enjoy her, spend time with her, and whatever this is just takes me away when i get stressed out. i dont have medical, i make just enough to not qualify for help, but not enough to meet our needs... its all too much. I dont think ive ever been so afraid in my life. I have no family, and VERY few friends who will help out or even understand. or even care to listen. i dont know what to do anymore... or even how to do. at this point, if i could get on meds i would, but I cant. no medical. dont have the hundreds of dollars to pay for it, dont have ANYTHING. no one knows, or even cares how low i am right now. i feel so desolate and lost. i just want it to stop. i just want to LIVE. i want to feel the passage of time, i want to LOVE, i want to not have this wrong with me. i cry every night about... and when i say the self sabotage, I work in a casino, i started gambling again. not that it matters much cause im not making the money anyway, but every little bit helps, but im so buried ive tried gambling my tips to try to dig myself out, cant really get buried too much further, im already down so far. i dont know what to do. and work is SO hard, it hurts, my back is MESSED up. im gonna stop writing now, i dont have anything more i can say... im just trying to say something, do something. be something, change something. its almost as if im stopping caring about everything but my baby girl... she is gonna be messed up like me... seeing me like this. shouldnt she be enough for me to stop this? to stop feeling like this?
---> http://www.reclaiming.org/about/witchfaq/charge.html
I care.
I'd be willing to say that we ALL care.
Lots of us probably TRULY understand, too.
I'm medically disabled, in chronic pain, sick, can no longer afford to see doctors for medical help, or the pain clinic for pain meds.
And that was before the trauma.
Basically, haven't left this shitty little hotel room in months.
I used to tell myself ... one day at a time.
Now I tell myself ... one HOUR at a time.
I can make it an hour at a time, and ... when I can't ... I'll switch to one MINUTE at a time.
Breaking it down into manageable bites ... for me ... gets me through.
Am I having fun ? Shit, no. Haven't been able to work since '04. Lost my ability to pay for ongoing medical care nearly two years ago.
Lost my house, my marriage, and all my savings.
And THEN the C-PTSD thing ... that we all know and love.
I'm not trying to compare our situations, except to say that ... I understand what "life sucks, right now" means.
I wish you peace, health, and strength.