First, I am deeply sorry for what was done to you. Second, you are not alone. I do not know if there is any good way to quickly change our focus but, since you mentioned that server, "God and Gaming" I thought i would share things i have done.

I got it in my head, ( I am ocd among other things) that I could not control how my thoughts so often took me places i did not want to be, and that the only place i really wanted to be is curled up in God's arms. This led me to listening to scripture. I drove a truck so, it was easy to listen the entire time i worked, and I lived alone so it was also easy to listen at home. In a few weeks, I began listening nearly 24/7 and this continued for several years.

Eventually I stopped the 24/7 but i still play scripture often, and just like songs you have heard playing in your head? I hear scripture playing in my head even when it is not playing. I have had alot of healing, and rarely have intrusive thoughts but, it takes time.

You sound like you are enduring extreme crisis. Do you have a psychologist and/or psychiatrist? It is likely you are suffering severe ptsd, and somtimes medications can help.

I think what helped me the most though was having people I could share my suffering with who did not dismiss me, did not undermine what i was feeling ...

The title of your post grabbed my attention because, as a 4yo my head was held underwater over and over and over and over. I expect she drowned and revived me many times. (just one of the many ways I was molested tortured and abused)

The panic came back to me full force just reading your title but, I am safe. I can feel the panic, i can feel the hand on the back of my neck, i can feel the water on my face, (as i am writing) but, I can breath. Long slow deep breaths. The memories are horrible, but from the time I understood exactly what happened, (some 30 years after the fact) So, here is the difference between me now, and me when i first began remembering my abuse. today I can feel it, look at it talk about it and accept it as my past.

It disturbs me deeply every time i face it but, that makes sense. It was severe trauma. It was criminal and life threatening and frankly it is amazing i survived. Everything i feel about it makes complete sense. Today, it still has a profound affect on my life but, it does not RULE over me.

What was done to you was criminal. It was severe trauma. You do not mention seeking help via crisis hotlines. There are crisis hotlines. Please use them. I have when i was in crisis. Recovery is a process, and it is up to us what our own recovery looks like.

I am glad you are here, because you will find people you can relate to here and I appreciate your post and the title. I am even grateful for the reminder, (imagine that) not because the memory is good, but because i am glad it is a memory and no longer my reality. I dont know of any quick fix, but recovery is possible if we work at it. It is not fair or right that first we have to endure the evil others forced on us, and then we have the prolonged horror of the effects of trauma but this is what we have.

I live and stand on the promises of God written in scripture. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." Rom 8:28 Personally, I learned to replace the nightmare my mind obsessed about by obsessing over scripture instead. "Thou will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed on thee because he trusts in thee" Isaiah 26:3

Just like that, (because i have practiced this for years) all the panic i felt as i shared my past is gone. What i feel now is peace and God's comfort, and tremendous empathy for you. You are in my prayers, (as is everyone else i interact with here)

I am so sorry to read what has happened to you bb... It is truly horrible

I was looking up free groups and there are more than one however I will put up a link for an organization for people who have been sexually assaulted

I also saw on Google that there is a group in Texas

Peer support can be a great help until and along with medical help.... I hope that you will be able to get some help soon especially if you are hallucinating

Are there not hospital visits that are covered in the US/Texas sweetie?...

https://www.nsvrc.org/find-help

I'm sorry, too, BB99, for what brought you here. But I'm glad you found us. We get it here. You're not alone. I myself was sexually assaulted as an 11 year old by an adult pedophile who preyed on me and several kids in my elementary school. He died in prison years later, as his fellow prison inmates had kids on the outside to worry about and didn't accept having his kind in their midst.

As you say has happened with you, that perpetrator did get into my head more than he deserved to be there, though, until I learned that others were there for me. I was lucky that in 2009 as adults we had a get together of those of us who survived that guy when we were in grammar school. That's when I got really convinced that it was true that I wasn't alone, and I could trust peer support to be the real deal.

Stick with us, BB99, we're here for you. And check into what SunCloud posted up above. Speaking for myself, PTSD therapy with a good psychologist made a difference for me.

Heads Carolina, Tails California

thanks guys <3 ill be keeping all of this in mind. im just trying to figure things out ig

You're welcome, BB99. Let us know how we can come up alongside of you in this so you don't feel like you're drowning so much and that you're supported here in a way that you can keep your head above water. You're not alone. We're with you.