Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I'm so exhausted, didnt sleep last night. And this am was pretty horrible. I am reliving it and everything I felt then just hit me like a ton of bricks. Getting the call, then having to break it to my parents, their grand daughter 's body was found. They already knew it wasnt good news b/c I was sneaking into their room instead or rushing in with good news. I will never foget the look on their faces. I will never have peace with the fact that I had to break my parents like that. I worry sometimes that when they look at me, all they see is the person who destroyed their world.
I'm so down, it feels like I will never get back up. I just want to become numb....just nothing, no feeling, no thinking.
Sending Love and Light,
Broken _Bridges
You wrote before that no one who hasn't been through murder can understand. I agree with that. More than that though, I think every single experience is different.
In any case, maybe I can share one of my experiences and perhaps it might help.
One my daughter was 3, we went to the beach with all of my ex's family. At 3, my daughter was quite the little fish, and even taught herself how to swim. The week before she followed an older girl over to the 12 foot deep section of a swimming pool. She was doing very well. (She was still punished.)
So the first night at the beach house, everyone (4 cars) are unpacking for our week's stay. I ask my ex to watch the kids for 5 minutes so I can have a bit of a break. In that time, he loses her.
EIGHT adults search this, not very big, beachhouse. Two teenagers. No one can find her. I'm frantic. We're directly on the beach. There are swimming pools in front of half of the houses. My daughter LOVES the water. And she's missing.
Looking back, I have no idea why we didn't call the police right away, but we didnt'. Everyone searched the house multiple times, I start going out onto the beach to call her. I'm crying and asking anyone if they've seen a 3 year old girl in a Disney dress who loves the water.
I have no clue how much time passed. But I didn't "Think" she was dead...I KNEW it. I was still crying, but I was also planning her funeral. I went from hoping that we'd find her alive...to hoping that we'd just find her body. My SIL was walking with me, and we turned around to head back toward the house and to call the police.
My daughter was found under a blanket with a forbidden cookie in her hand, she'd heard people calling and intentionally hadn't answered. (I find the intentional part out 8 years later.)
I'm just going to tell you from my experience, you didn't "destroy" your parent's lives...you SAVED them. Or at least that's how it would have been for me.
A body to bury. I don't even care if it was half eaten by sharks. A body to bury...I can't put it into words how much that had become my focus.
Everyday that I've had since with my daughter...is frosting. If she dies tomorrow, the pain will be nothing compared to that night. It's been just over 13 years since that July day, and I'm thankful for each one.
The idea of Death was/is nothing compared to Not Knowing.
Patti22 - yes she was my neice, but she was so much more, she was like a daughter to me. My sister wasn't really a mother to her, and for quite a while and multiple times my neice lived with us, and I spent most of the time taking care of her. We developed an amazing bond!
Today marks three years since that phone call and its destroying me. She had been "missing" for 3 days prior to that, we found out later she had been dead the whole time. So the process of the last 5 days has been agonizing. And we still have not been able to put this to rest as the trial has not started. Will not start till November. So imagine, three years and we have no type of closure and I sincerely doubt we will ever know why.
I am so sorry you had to go thru what you did with your daughter, I do agree that not knowing would be an even worse fate then going thru this . During those days when we didn't know, every minute that past was harder and harder. THis may sound wrong but if it was her time, I would have preferred it be something quick, shooting, stabbing, hit by car. Unfortunately that was not the case here. The details are horrendous. She didn't not deserve that, she was an amazing young woman, a great mother and over just lights up anywhere she goes. I struggle with that as well, there are people in the world that maybe deserve this fate...child abductor, pedophiles....but instead it comes down on a beautiful 22 year old.
Sorry this response was so long. I really appreciate the support I have received. Thank you