Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Bad day today. very bad. great time of self sabotage to the point where i cant even get my daughter, the only thing in this life that i truly care about, but cant even get to take care of her... she should be my driving force... but no, i just disassociate and go do the shit i do and gamble the only 20 bucks i had for gas... why? maybe so i can just call myself even more of a piece of shit. why do i do this? why cant i get over this? i know everything i need to do, but i seem to have lost my ability to care or feel anything other than self loathing. in couseling. not working. never has. taking stuff to help with the depression, sure, it helps, but it doesnt at the same time. just makes me more optimistic but doesnt help me get the strength to curb my behavior. its not just the gamble thing i do. been to GA. been to help. doesnt do anything for me. there is a huge part of me that really just doesnt care, then there is me in the core, in here somewhere screaming to get out. im a prisoner inside myself. the harder i try to fight to get out, the harder it pushes me down. im losing strength. every day is a different day, but it all ends the same. always. I just want my baby in my arms. someone is going to take her from me i know it. im all she has. she doesnt have a father. and she is all i have. and yet its not enough for me to be who i need to be. i hate it. i hate this. maybe she is better off someplace else away from me. i just hope if that happens that someday she knows that i love her... that i always did, that this me inside the prision loves her with everything there is. im gonna go freak out and cry and hope for some reason i dont wake up in the morning now.
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
When we get out of the glass bottles of our ego,
and when we escape like squirrels turning in the cages of our personality
and get into the forests again,
we shall shiver with cold and fright
but things will happen to us
so that we don't know ourselves.
Cool, unlying life will rush in,
and passion will make our bodies taut with power,
we shall stamp our feet with new power
and old things will fall down
we shall laugh, and institutions will curl up like burnt paper.
---DH Lawrence
Inside my personal madness, this meditation is currently sitting like an invitation to let go of my forced solutions and open myself to that which has not hit my personal radar.
Hugs, Dracona. May a healing touch find you and that precious child who needs you desperately.
What sort of assistance do you think would help? If you are sabotaging your parenting, and succeed in losing custody, please understand it would be provisional not permanent. When you are get stronger you would be reunited.
You need to find a treatment program you can put your faith in.
Can you remove your access to gambling? Destroy credit cards, have automatic bill pay, find ways to make sure your basics are paid for?
Am trying to be helpful direction, don't know if I am.
Having said that. We keep going because once in a while you get that moment of happiness and peace. Those moment feel good and we want more. We are pre-programed to fight for these moments.
Take care of yourself and know we are here with you
It breaks my heart that you're there because I know it well. I wish I could do more than tell you I know how you feel, but I sure can say you're not alone in having been there. I've really enjoyed what you've written for other people here, it's really been valuable. I wish I could repay you now. Hold on; in the past for me these moments have seemed eternal, but they passed. Yours can, too, I know.