Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Tonight I have really broken down. I didn't have any flashbacks, triggers or anything, but I am just so sad at the state of my life right now. I just want it to get better so badly. I don't feel that strong. I've been working out for the last thirty minutes trying to feel strong in some way.
I feel useless to the world. Like there's nothing here for me. I feel like a weak man-child because of what that goddamned animal did to me all those years ago. I feel like he took my chance to grow up away. I feel like a 5-year-old in a 20-year-old's body.
I feel lonely. Alone with my demons and my perils. I feel like someone swallowed the sunlight inside my room. I feel like because of how I was raised I can't even show my emotions properly. If you cry it's a sign of weakness, my Dad always said. There was never crying at his house. I didn't even cry in pain.
I wish things would just get better and get easier.
I feel useless to the world. Like there's nothing here for me. I feel like a weak man-child because of what that goddamned animal did to me all those years ago. I feel like he took my chance to grow up away. I feel like a 5-year-old in a 20-year-old's body.
I feel lonely. Alone with my demons and my perils. I feel like someone swallowed the sunlight inside my room. I feel like because of how I was raised I can't even show my emotions properly. If you cry it's a sign of weakness, my Dad always said. There was never crying at his house. I didn't even cry in pain.
I wish things would just get better and get easier.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I think you are strong for facing your feelings head on instead of coping through addictions or passing the cruelty on to others in classic "manly" style. And if you've been crying then clearly your upbringing didn't succeed in totally suppressing your emotions.
You were tragically wounded and have a lot to mourn. You seem to have the strength and flexibility to be able to heal, with the right help. I wish you didn't have to go through this, though, and I am sorry for your suffering.
My dad was No Crying Zone man, too. I get it. I kept it down and silent and locked in a cellar till I was in my 40s---if I'd done this at 20... well, it took more courage than I had back then.
Gentle support.
There are 5 steps to grieving and I think those same steps could apply to PTSD.
1) Denial and Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
I hope you find peace soon. ((hugs))
Do they hand out scripts for this stuff?
Anyway...
Now that I feel, I am a LOT less brittle and not lugging around ten tons of frozen grief. I am a lot stronger. It's a supple strength, you see?
Now, I did not lose the ability to shut my feelings off if they really need to be shut off... Arterial bleeding? Um, act first, emote later!
So you won't lose that ability to be calm in a crisis. But it's not appropriate to shut off feeling all the damn time.
It's not good for you.
Things WILL get easier. You are not useless, but...um, I don't want you to get used. I am pretty certain you can be a guy you will be proud to be.
You won't get there by abandoning that hurt 5-year old. You get to be the much kinder dad he ought to have had. He was a good kid. He deserved to be loved, not taught to shut his feelings off.
You survived, you aren't evil, you are healing.
Crying is actually a really healthy response and it's an important part of cleansing our eyes and releasing emotions that could be toxic for us.
As for feeling like a 5 year old in a 20 year old body, I think some parts of us can sort of get stuck at the age the abuse happened. Trauma can do that. And that little person can feel pretty sad and messed up.
What I've found is that if I'm able to do things that 5 year old likes - puzzles, drawing, cartoons - I can connect with the joy that child can feel. And that helps.
I was meditating this morning and what came through for me is to really just do what I want to do in the moment instead of trying to plan my whole life out. That can get scary.
If crying feels right for now, that's okay. If sitting in a chair and rocking feels best, fine. Puzzles, cooking, going for a walk or reading a book. Whatever you need to do to comfort yourself as you let the sadness go and move through that to get to something better.
And things will get better and easier.
That person that hurt you is completely evil and I wish I could torture him for you. Your father or whomever you lived with should have gotten you help.
I feel like a little kid sometimes too. I will literally feel and act like a 5 year old when I dissociate.
You are not weak or useless though. You just feel like shit because of what's happened. None of it is your fault though. You are not to blame. Do you see a counselor now?